For those of you who haven't seen these already (and cause I seemed to have frightened everyone off with the porn), here's my random thoughts from last week:
Thunderbugs - You know the little fuckin annoying things that leave little dirty specks all over the place throughout the summer months (otherwise known as Thripps - see tis heducational as well).Well just how small are baby thunderbugs? I mean do they meet a gang of bed bugs and scream
‘run for the hills, lads the giants are invading again?’.
Crop Circles - Ok we all know that this has been proven to be fake and were made by 2 guys and some large snow shoes but really wouldn’t a much better explanation be drunk moles? Stay with me on this one. Ok fields are full of barley, which in turn changes into hops which with the heat of the sun ferments into beer. This seeps through the ground into the underground tunnels. So imagine if you will a network of tunnels full of pissed up moles looking for entertainment on a Friday night. They don’t know where they are or what they’re doing but they do know that they fancy going out for a kebab.
Hey presto, large seemingly random displays of drunkenness.
Fantasies - How many other women have fully fleshed out sexual fantasies – I mean surely I can’t be the only one who gets half way through the sexy shower scene to suddenly comment – ‘ooh look that grouting needs re doing?’ At which point Kiefer generally loses interest and mutters something about ‘women – pah - never happy!).
I mean, surely women’s handymen/plumbing fantasies are actually just the fact that they’ve finally got a man to actually DO something round the house?
Things to be avoided – Shoes. Trying out new shoes and prancing up and down a shoe store admiring your soon to be new purchases in the tiny floor mirrors (do you think mice come out at midnight and look at each other going ‘does my tail make me look fat?’) Admiring your new ankle breaking contraptions is a sure fire way to look an utter knobcheese as you go arse over tit and end up resembling the wicked witch of the west without the green makeup, menacing look and flying monkeys.
Oh ok well I’ll admit that some shop assistants do act like flying monkeys – you can have that one.
Stationery - Do you reckon civil servants take a look at the stationery cupboard and say:
'ack I’ll not bother, it’s only like I’m nicking it from myself'?
Is it ALWAYS wrong to be in your 30’s and still drink a bottle of lemon schnapps and throw up down your jim jams? Guess it makes a change to throwing up in the gutter or on someone else, but really, puke is bloody difficult to get out of flannelette.
Maybe that’s what we need for the next series of the 'You've got a crap idea' or whatever it was called – the first set of puke resistant pyjamas.
Naturists – ok I admire your balls, cause I can cause they’re out there for everyone to see, I admire the fact that you’re comfortable with your body but really all I need to say is guys…...............................................................................................................Jade Goody?
27 February 2007
For those of you who haven't seen these already (and cause I seemed to have frightened everyone off with the porn), here's my random thoughts from last week:
25 February 2007
So everyone of 'my generation', how stupid does that sound? 'My generation' makes me sound like a bloody 60's free lovin radical doesn't it..anyhoo everyone of my generation bangs on about Dr Who being the scariest thing on TV and how they used to hide behind the sofas.
Bollocks! The scariest thing on TV was those kids drama productions you used to get like Dark Towers – anyone remember that…'come with us and you will see dark towers'. Best theme tune ever, sung by Derek Griffiths, the coolest man on British TV ever – and that's a fact folks!
Anyway along with Dark Towers they had a programme called 'the boy from space' no seriously that was the best the 'look and read production company' could come up with - 'the boy from space'. Well I guess at least you knew what you're letting yourself in for.
'Hey Doris we've got to go to that damn school assembly room again to watch one of those drama films, what do you reckon it'll be about this week'.
'Well it says here that its called the boy from space'
'Ooh that doesn't tell us much does it…its obviously one of them surprise mystery drama things where we've got to work out what's going on'
'What you mean a bit like Pinter?' (well obv she wouldn't say this being only 7 but you get the drift)
'So then lets have a crack at what its about…hmm boy – well that could mean anything couldn't it…perhaps it means one of those floaty things you get in the water'.
'Oh yeh good point Mabel, then what else have we got? who came from…what the hell does that mean, came from sounds a bit like Camden, maybe it means a market – aww yes I think we're on to something here and then we've got space'.
'Well that's a bit innocuous isn't it…space as in like ooh mum there's a great big space in my head where the lurning's supposed to go, or there's this big hole round the back of the tuck shop which we've buried Jimmy Johnson'?
'Ooh yes you're onto something now - so what we have is a floaty watery thing in a market with a big hole'.
'So a bloke is stranded at sea and clings to a buoy for dear life, is eventually rescued by some cockney fishermen who take him off to Camden where he promptly falls into a hole'?
'Ahh that's it, we've got it sussed but lets go anyway so we can see just how they're going to execute this rather shambolic script….'
Anyway scariest scene ever is where the eponymous boy from space climbs slowly up a staircase towards 2 petrified children, dressed head to foot in tin foil. Now c'mon on if you were a Bernard Matthews turkey you'd be bricking yourself at this point.
'Quick lads get him before he reaches for the baster otherwise we're all done for'.
Worse than the boy from space though was Luna starring a prebubescent Patsy Kensit. You know all teeth and smiles, she's moved on from the pea thing but has yet to move onto getting her tits out for Mel Gibson.
It also stars Mr Bennett from Take Hart – who remembers Take Hart with Tony Hart. The man responsible for the rise in sales of pasta goods all over the UK. Fuck The Nigella 'cranberries in July' effect bloody Tony Hart started it back in the 70's. Thousands of mothers across the country shouting:
'Oh for fucks sake…Pete have you used all the bloody macaroni again? What we going to have for tea? You'll have to settle for bloody Findus crispy pancakes again'.
'Oh what's that Pete, what you trying to show me? Oh it's a scale replica of the Mona Lisa made out of noodles is it'?
Of course it would be nice to say at this point, 'Oh look you've made her hair out of tagliatelle, her lips from farfalle and her eyes from conchiglie' (that's bows and shells to the rest of us). But we can't say this cause this was the friggin 70's and pasta came in 2 varieties. Macaroni and Heinz ravioli, known by small children the world over as tomatoey pillows.
Anyway I digress Patsy gets into lots of scrapes on a space ships with Mr Bennett and a small speccy boy for company – bit of a precursor for Harry Potter but with less winging and acne.
Yes I know I really need to finish this monologue but it goes in to a rather long winded chat about Dr Who and Wurzel Gummidge. Stay tuned for the next exciting instalment of Jools has a rant about her childhood, featuring such gems as the staircase from Hell and a banana yoghurt incident.
24 February 2007
PORN - Saving marriages since 1745
22 February 2007
Warning parental Advisory - Explicit Lyrics *woot*
Hoobastank - Inside of you
What do I have to do, to get inside of you?
Cuz I love the way you move, when I'm inside of you when I'm inside of you
Just ask and I will do, anything you want me to,
there is no limit, to how far I will go
And I'm sure I can't pretend, to be no gentlemen,
but before I began ,I just gotta know, just gotta know....
Chilli Peppers - Suck my Kiss
Someone full of fun, do me 'till I'm well done, Little Bo Peep, cumin' from my stun gun
Beware take care, most motherfuckers have a cold ass stare, Aw baby please be there
Suck my kiss cut me my share
Hit me you can't hurt me suck my kiss,
Kiss me please pervert me stick with this
Is she talking dirty, give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to suck my kiss
Chilli Peppers - Sir Psycho Sexy
Deep inside the garden of Eden, standing there with my hard on bleedin
'Theres a devil in my dick and some demons in my semen
Good God no that would be treason
Believe me Eve she gave good reason, Botty looking too good not to be squeezin
'Creamy beaver hotter than a fever, I'm a givin' 'cause she's the reciever
I won't and I don't hang up until I please her, Makin' her feel like an over achiever
I take it away for a minute just to tease her, tThen I give it back a little bit deeper
I got stopped by a lady cop, in my automobile
She said get out and spead your legs and then she tried to cop a feel
That cop she was all dressed in blue, was she pretty? Boy I'm tellin' you
She stuck my butt with her big black stick, I said "what's up?" now suck my dick
Like a ram getting ready to jam the lamb, sShe whimpered just a little when she felt my hand
On her crotch so very warm, I could feel her getting wet through her uniform
Proppin' her up on the black and white, unzipped and slipped "ooo that's tight"
I swatted her like no swat team can, turned a cherry pie right into jam
See utter filth running through Jools' noggin. *Sigh*
20 February 2007
I tells ya you go to one comedy gig and you get porn on the brain...I can't help it, my brain has gone into porn overload and everything I see or hear has very overtly sexual conotations to it..so then back to my porn shed theory, I thought perhaps I should expand on why we should all have porn sheds.
Firstly porn and sex aids deserve to be displayed openly, not hidden in bedside cabinets and under beds. You need to display these items proudly, shouting - 'here is my porn, come have a look, my collection is very extensive..you like?'.
Not have it so that it sends you into a brown paper bag inhaling panic attack everytime your parents or babysitter comes round. Steady boys..once you start going down the babysitter track there is no return...
Darling? Have you put all the porn away?
Yes of course sweetness
All of it? Including that really dodgy stuff you had to get flown in from Finland in a special container and you had to give them your Swiss Bank account details before they'd hand it over?
Yes dear, all of it, its all safely stashed in the bedside cabinet.
Oh yes the 'bedside cabinet' cause no fucker is ever going to think about looking in there. It's the first thing you do, surely. If you're housesitting or left to your own devices in someone else's house for any length of time - you go looking for porn. Of course you rummage through the old medicine cabinet first in case they have any embarrassing ailments but then you search for porn.
But oh no, someone's been sneaky and they have a lockable bedside drawer (the fuckwits) but it is ok 'For I am Pornania Jones, intrepid porn treasure seeker. Your fiendish traps and tricks are no match for my cunning and well lubricated fingers'.
Hmmm now where could thay have possibly stashed the key?
Could it by any chance be taped to the underside of the bed? No?
In the little trinket box on the dressing table? No?
Damn trickies these trusted friends of mine.
So then and only then, when you've exhausted all possibilities do you go that place that dare not be mentioned. To that unholy hiding place of all that is evil...
THE MAN'S SOCK DRAWER
I know ladies please try and remain calm I'll send someone round with some smelling salts shortly.
Of course being British we couldn't possibly display our porn so brazenly, oh no we'd much rather wait until we're all sat round for Christmas dinner. Auntie Doris is saying grace and is just at the moment when she says Amen and everyone opens their eyes, when Little Bobby makes an appearance sporting a rather fetching spiked rubber hood with matching love beads necklace!
So be proud of your porn and display it where everyone can see it, even Auntie Doris might like a crack at it.
19 February 2007
Well as Billy says I'm spending more time in the Smith than he is these days..so staying with my normal reports (cause I've been told I have a certain 'style' which is very recognisable - really only cause I have my own made up language) I bring Jools guide to seeing comedy:
1300 Driveage to Hookling for meetage and much huggage amazingly don't get lost and end up smack bang on time without going wrong once - I'm getting quite good at this driving AND navigating malarky
1415 Teaage (obv.)
1500 Passengerage to Osterlinglee and then trainage to Londinium
1600 Bimbleage, navigation skills challenged however once again I ome up trumps and navigate straight to the venue - I tells you Iwas on top form yesterday. Of course colleague goes 'Well are you sure it's down there'....'well there are a load of posters up outside referring to the show we're going to see!'
1615 More teeage and blueberry muffin (Sorry Riverside people for making such a mess all over your floor but if you will sell flaky pastries (or waking up with a Danish!) you've got to expect some crumb action. Much chat action, which quite freaked me out as I didn't have a keyboard to hand, however you can rest assured that I make just as many typos in real life.
1800 Made my mate sit right at the very front and I mean right at the front, cause there's not even a stage as such just a lip that's about 2 inches tall, which must be a real struggle for the comedian to climb up onto. ;)
2000 Finally exit stage holding my sides and doing my best to not look embarrassed - Mate can fill you in (go on you know you want to!) but did involve me, some beer, comments about munterspace, backswill and Electric Blue - and that was just me!
2200 Tubeage again, lovely journey back, no nutters or owt
2300 More teaage (canyou see a theme developing here)
0100 Eventually arrive home to some 'interesting' messages on munterspace
Fantastic night had by all. Mate (don't know what name you want to use hon) thanks so much for the company and the chats and putting up with me! Ed - thanks for allowing me to be your comedy sidekick for the night! Oh and finally Daniel 'I name things' thank you for giving me one of the best laughs I've had in ages!
Rock on dudes (LC wants you to!)
Excreted by Jools at 10:04 am
16 February 2007
A bloody ligth jsut exploded and made a pxzzzzz pop kerduck sound...fell on the floor and fizzed...fuuck its hazardous having your own house ain't it?
OPh yeh feb 14th...blah de blah...not lved up...grumble grumble...been a bloody year...a year I tell ya...cobwebs forming..... gruble mope...ahh rosé...tis better
Oh haircut - hmm.....why? why oh why? I miss my hair all 4 inches of it..obcv am also msing 4 inches of anythign at the moment
*Left the wine addled typos in for Buillster's and romo'samusement...glad I'm ebtertainign soemone anyway!
*Update - Apparently according the the MSN girls smelling of wee and cats may be the reason I'm not attracting single men - why did no on tell me this earlier? You're all a bunch of bastards!
**All emn in porn films are mingers.
11 February 2007
Excreted by Jools at 1:20 pm
10 February 2007
Oh my blogarino's I've been and done it again. I mean why oh why do these things happen to me. There I am all set for another marathon MSN session including but not limited to discussions about hot actors, hot singers, leather trousers and the removal there of..when I find myself tucked up in bed and (probably) snoring loudly.
I don't know what happened and can only blame it on post work week fatigue setting in - so apologies for not lending any of my 'infamous' entertainment (i.e fantastic typos) to the evening's proceedings.
(Of course this had absolutely nothing to do with a bottle of rosé, no way, not at all - see previous postings, at least the poetry pisshead didn't make an appearance).
In other news I'm very proud to say that I was (quite technically) able to tell NCCKG that whilst she was wrong to think the polar bears are invisible there is some truth in the statement as their fur is transparent. How the fuck did I know that?
Of course this led to an entirely new conversation about if they were in the desert would they be yellow and how come they're still white in zoos.
Er because they're still on snow....
Yeh but they're outside
Yes but they have a clever freezing gidget that still makes snow - I mean its not like in the middle of winter in the tropical house the crocodiles are going 'Oi Fred turn the radiator up will ya it's bloody freezing in here'.
And so endeth the lesson
Excreted by Jools at 2:53 pm
07 February 2007
Excreted by Jools at 7:54 pm
Excreted by Jools at 6:14 pm
06 February 2007
Yup I've just booked my tickets to see a wonderful, high cheekboned, Irish accented, long haired comic in Hammersmith...soon. So back up to London again (hey this lets start a blog thing and go to London seems to be working quite well now I've got over my fear of the tube).
I am so excited I really am going to have to take some Tena's with me as I really am going to wee myself especially as I'm a bugger for not leaving my seat during a performance. Especially not during a stand up routine unless you want to be mercilessly harangued by the fucker on the stage with a microphone.
Also am still trying to get my head round how on earth I'm going to catch the Fullmooners** at the comedy store. I mean who the fuck puts on a show at midnight? Bloody Londoners with not a care in the world for those of us who are stuck in the sticks with the only form of entertainment being how many cows you can tip over in a night.
I mean c'mon on we're the bloody ones who need culturing (new word?). Our sign of culture is following a camberet* as opposed to a Double Gloucester down a bloody great big hill. You lot should be putting on coaches and posh hotel suites for us 'commoners'.
You should be sponsoring us to see how many time we can crow bar the words pheasant, tractor, roadkill or daisy into a cultured conversation.
Donations to the get Jools out the bloody sticks fund can be sent to......
*I know this isn't the way you spell soft stinky French cheese but have a lovely image of a French cheese with a beret on smoking a cigarillo
**has anyone been to it already or is planning on going? If so can you give me your review as it looks like a blast to me.
Excreted by Jools at 9:47 pm
Yes Jools has gone to the dogs, very poor show ha de ha ha and all that
Anyway I did indeed go to the dogs last week for a colleague's retirement do. I only mention it as some of you seem to be under the impression that my social life consists of drinking far too much rosé on a Friday night, embarrassing myself on MSN and generally bringing that chat down to a level of smutty tolerance involving leather trousers. However this is blatantly not the case as I excitedly got invited to a night at the dogs.....
Unfortunately this was not the hot bed of male totty I was hoping for, instead my taxi driver for the night was mate and her newly acquired (i.e. still bloody loved up and just returned from a shagging week in Cornwall) boyfriend with neither of them overly excited about spending the night at the dogs or with me. Couple this with Walmart's elite, dodgy chicken curry (which I had to have with roast potatoes as they'd run out of rice) and nowhere to sit then it resulted in a top notch night of entertainment.
Ah well at least I can say I've been, another one of life's experiences locked away for safe keeping. The one plus point was that at least I didn't run the burger roulette of food poisoning, having opted for the bet on black option and going for the aforementioned curry.
Money spent = £8 Dogs bet on = 1 Money won = £0
Hot totty = 0 Snoggage = 0 Food Poisioning = 0
Excreted by Jools at 5:50 pm
Like totally like just like found this post...
Ok, so I like uh huh totally forgot to say what we did on our last day at work. Well what with me being the nice boss lady I decided that we would play games and have nibbles much like we did when we were at school.
Thusly this game was produced about 2 days before we finished for Christmas. Well of course us in the office (4 in total) thought we better get a bit of a head start on the rest of the team and get in a bit of practice. If you've never played Cranium I strongly recommend it, especially for large groups of adults.
After we'd all decided we were pretty much crap at the general knowledge and maths questions (although we did learn the Casanova, I think it was, died in a library), we thought we'd have a go at the creative ones. Now these generally involve making a tit of yourself performing some sort of charade, making a tit of yourself trying to hum lyrics or making very phallic objects with a bit of play doh.
I of course made a perfect representation of a piggy bank (clay) and fellow colleague did a wonderful 'beans on toast'. Then having to take a phone call I was excluded from the next 'clay' but as no one had guessed I came up with nipple and got it right. Must be the way my mind works but it was a small circle on top of another circle..quite obvious really.
The humming bit was incredibly embarrassing to the extent that all hummers had to cover their faces with an internal envelope as we couldn't look at each other without laughing. Points were deducted cause 'lone male' pointed to the radio on his go as his song was playing on the radio - how lucky was that?
However the piste de la resistance (or however you say cherry on the top in frangalese) was NCCKG having to do an impression of a famous actor but you're not allowed to say names or places. As she was struggling I said I'd help her out..piss easy..all I said was I'll have a martini shaken not stirred, in a very lame attempt at a Scottish accent..point to us although major points deducted when I spent the next 10 minutes explaining to NCCKG that yes Sean Connery was in fact Bond!
Come on..guess her age?
Excreted by Jools at 5:40 pm
04 February 2007
1. Nice flabby pair of bingo wings
2. Will even suck up a sausage, dyson
3. Cat hair encrusted rug or carpet
4. Music (Jools attempted with Keane, but its too slow - sorry Bargain, I'm trying I really am)
1. Start music and ensure it can reach ear splitting volume and shakes your neighbour's walls as you'll need to hear it over the dyson
2. Sit on floor next to Dyson (in no way should this be attempted whilst in a standing position)
3. Switch on dyson
4. Push dyson (with long scoopy attachment, not the fluffy one) back and forth across rug/carpet in a frenzied motion
5. Repeat step 4 (and possibly step 1) as necessary
6. Have a cup of tea
Fantastically trim looking wings with only a hint of Boeing.*
*Or in the real world, fantastically aching and still flabby bingo wings with the added gamble of bruising.
Excreted by Jools at 11:34 am