27 February 2007

Random Thoughts - Week One

For those of you who haven't seen these already (and cause I seemed to have frightened everyone off with the porn), here's my random thoughts from last week:

Thunderbugs - You know the little fuckin annoying things that leave little dirty specks all over the place throughout the summer months (otherwise known as Thripps - see tis heducational as well).Well just how small are baby thunderbugs? I mean do they meet a gang of bed bugs and scream
‘run for the hills, lads the giants are invading again?’.


Crop Circles - Ok we all know that this has been proven to be fake and were made by 2 guys and some large snow shoes but really wouldn’t a much better explanation be drunk moles? Stay with me on this one. Ok fields are full of barley, which in turn changes into hops which with the heat of the sun ferments into beer. This seeps through the ground into the underground tunnels. So imagine if you will a network of tunnels full of pissed up moles looking for entertainment on a Friday night. They don’t know where they are or what they’re doing but they do know that they fancy going out for a kebab.

Hey presto, large seemingly random displays of drunkenness.


Fantasies - How many other women have fully fleshed out sexual fantasies – I mean surely I can’t be the only one who gets half way through the sexy shower scene to suddenly comment – ‘ooh look that grouting needs re doing?’ At which point Kiefer generally loses interest and mutters something about ‘women – pah - never happy!).

I mean, surely women’s handymen/plumbing fantasies are actually just the fact that they’ve finally got a man to actually DO something round the house?


Things to be avoided – Shoes. Trying out new shoes and prancing up and down a shoe store admiring your soon to be new purchases in the tiny floor mirrors (do you think mice come out at midnight and look at each other going ‘does my tail make me look fat?’) Admiring your new ankle breaking contraptions is a sure fire way to look an utter knobcheese as you go arse over tit and end up resembling the wicked witch of the west without the green makeup, menacing look and flying monkeys.

Oh ok well I’ll admit that some shop assistants do act like flying monkeys – you can have that one.


Stationery - Do you reckon civil servants take a look at the stationery cupboard and say:

'ack I’ll not bother, it’s only like I’m nicking it from myself'?


Is it ALWAYS wrong to be in your 30’s and still drink a bottle of lemon schnapps and throw up down your jim jams? Guess it makes a change to throwing up in the gutter or on someone else, but really, puke is bloody difficult to get out of flannelette.

Maybe that’s what we need for the next series of the 'You've got a crap idea' or whatever it was called – the first set of puke resistant pyjamas.


Naturists – ok I admire your balls, cause I can cause they’re out there for everyone to see, I admire the fact that you’re comfortable with your body but really all I need to say is guys…...............................................................................................................Jade Goody?


Billy said...

What do moles get drunk on? For some reason I imagine it being mead, because it begins with 'm' too.

llewtrah said...

Oh yes, the sexual fantasies where reality intrudes. In the past I've had dreams - real night time dreams, not conscious fantasies - about shagging someone from work. Except we never actually shag because halfway through forepaly my subconscious insists on locating a condom .... and I wake up. On one occasion, my subconscious was overidden about the condom and the dream involved a former colleague who was a heroin abuser, I woke up terrified I'd caught HIV.

rockmother said...

llewtrah - you're different gear you are! I once had a dream that I rode my pushbike from home (london) to Oxford where I worked as my car had broken down. I was so over-worked and tired and the dream was so vivid that for a while I thought I actually HAD ridden 50 miles to work and back - hello?

Jools said...

Someone had a dream about me at the weekend which had me dressed as a nun!
Moles get drunk on barley which err makes err beer of course.