25 February 2007

Where Jools' has a rant about Kids TV

So everyone of 'my generation', how stupid does that sound? 'My generation' makes me sound like a bloody 60's free lovin radical doesn't it..anyhoo everyone of my generation bangs on about Dr Who being the scariest thing on TV and how they used to hide behind the sofas.

Bollocks! The scariest thing on TV was those kids drama productions you used to get like Dark Towers – anyone remember that…'come with us and you will see dark towers'. Best theme tune ever, sung by Derek Griffiths, the coolest man on British TV ever – and that's a fact folks!
Anyway along with Dark Towers they had a programme called 'the boy from space' no seriously that was the best the 'look and read production company' could come up with - 'the boy from space'. Well I guess at least you knew what you're letting yourself in for.

'Hey Doris we've got to go to that damn school assembly room again to watch one of those drama films, what do you reckon it'll be about this week'.
'Well it says here that its called the boy from space'
'Ooh that doesn't tell us much does it…its obviously one of them surprise mystery drama things where we've got to work out what's going on'
'What you mean a bit like Pinter?' (well obv she wouldn't say this being only 7 but you get the drift)
'So then lets have a crack at what its about…hmm boy – well that could mean anything couldn't it…perhaps it means one of those floaty things you get in the water'.
'Oh yeh good point Mabel, then what else have we got? who came from…what the hell does that mean, came from sounds a bit like Camden, maybe it means a market – aww yes I think we're on to something here and then we've got space'.
'Well that's a bit innocuous isn't it…space as in like ooh mum there's a great big space in my head where the lurning's supposed to go, or there's this big hole round the back of the tuck shop which we've buried Jimmy Johnson'?
'Ooh yes you're onto something now - so what we have is a floaty watery thing in a market with a big hole'.
'So a bloke is stranded at sea and clings to a buoy for dear life, is eventually rescued by some cockney fishermen who take him off to Camden where he promptly falls into a hole'?
'Ahh that's it, we've got it sussed but lets go anyway so we can see just how they're going to execute this rather shambolic script….'

Anyway scariest scene ever is where the eponymous boy from space climbs slowly up a staircase towards 2 petrified children, dressed head to foot in tin foil. Now c'mon on if you were a Bernard Matthews turkey you'd be bricking yourself at this point.
'Quick lads get him before he reaches for the baster otherwise we're all done for'.

Worse than the boy from space though was Luna starring a prebubescent Patsy Kensit. You know all teeth and smiles, she's moved on from the pea thing but has yet to move onto getting her tits out for Mel Gibson.
It also stars Mr Bennett from Take Hart – who remembers Take Hart with Tony Hart. The man responsible for the rise in sales of pasta goods all over the UK. Fuck The Nigella 'cranberries in July' effect bloody Tony Hart started it back in the 70's. Thousands of mothers across the country shouting:

'Oh for fucks sake…Pete have you used all the bloody macaroni again? What we going to have for tea? You'll have to settle for bloody Findus crispy pancakes again'.
'Oh what's that Pete, what you trying to show me? Oh it's a scale replica of the Mona Lisa made out of noodles is it'?


Of course it would be nice to say at this point, 'Oh look you've made her hair out of tagliatelle, her lips from farfalle and her eyes from conchiglie' (that's bows and shells to the rest of us). But we can't say this cause this was the friggin 70's and pasta came in 2 varieties. Macaroni and Heinz ravioli, known by small children the world over as tomatoey pillows.
Anyway I digress Patsy gets into lots of scrapes on a space ships with Mr Bennett and a small speccy boy for company – bit of a precursor for Harry Potter but with less winging and acne.

Yes I know I really need to finish this monologue but it goes in to a rather long winded chat about Dr Who and Wurzel Gummidge. Stay tuned for the next exciting instalment of Jools has a rant about her childhood, featuring such gems as the staircase from Hell and a banana yoghurt incident.

4 comments:

llewtrah said...

I once got hooked on an Aussie sci-fi kids' series about a family of humanoid aliens making a life on earth. It mostly focussed on the kids settling into school. Beign aliens they learnt how to play violin in 1 lesson etc and had to learn how to be mediocre at things in order to fit in.

As for scary kids' TV - there's always "The Demon Headmaster"

chatterbox said...

I used to find the wooden tops quite scary (bit of a giveaway that I'm older than you!) Another wizard programme - Catweazel was my favourite, although I can't remember why, and I was disappointed to see him turn up on Fort Boyard.

corin said...

Can I mention the scary moment in Badger Girl when the Badger Girl and friends nearly went over a dam. That was tense.

And one of the bad guys was in Empire Strikes Back as that borg-implant aide of Lando's! How cool is that?!

iLL Man said...

Stewart Lee was banging on the other night about how old childrens dramas were way better than modern stuff like 'Skins'. I sort of saw his point in a "I'm in my late thirties/early forties, I'm entitled to think bizarre distopian sci-fi and whimsical ghost stories are great" sort of way. Besides, Skins id utter gash.

I still hanker for Bagpuss and Ivor The Engine though.....