07 February 2007

Things to be avoided

Taking on a stand up comedian.

Yeh that's right taking on the fucker on the stage with the microphone is akin to sending a man into a department store on Valentines Day to buy you some sensible underwear.

First you'll be lucky if he gets in there without looking like a pervert, transvestite or gay man.

Then he'll pick out something totally inappropriate which resembles a whorehouse special complete with cheese wire, which means you'll be lucky to see your arsehole or possibly your bean ever again (not that this matters to him as he's unlikely to have found it in the first place).

Finally he'll buy you completely the wrong size, either totally flattering or totally offensive and leave you wondering what measuring criteria he used in the first place to assess you.

If however he does manage to make it home with a reasonable piece of lingerie then you'll immediately be reassessing your relationship to work out how you can live with a homosexual who takes more interest in your cushions than you do.

Advice to all men - don't try and buy your ladeeyz underwear, it's not big and it's not clever and you'll be left wondering why on earth your Valentine's day has resulted in you shouting through the letterbox whilst freezing your naked scones off.

Advice to All - Don't take on a comedian, they ARE big and they ARE clever and the fuckers have a microphone so they're always going to get the last word in.


Kate said...

Wise words. My favourite male colleagues are the ones who will trail in my wake, happily carrying my handbag from meeting to meeting while I carry the butch stuff like laptop, briefcase, notes, organiser etc. I bet they could pick out fab underwear for Valentine's day, but they all like Kylie and other men.

What the fuck did you do to blow a hole that size in steel!?

Billy said...

Best time of year to decide to be a tranny this: "Oh, yes I'm buying this for my, ahem, girlfriend, for Valentine's, yes she is exactly the same size as me. Ha, ha!"

llewtrah said...

My ex-husband used to buy ladies shorts as they were prettier colours! I should have taken heed of the warning sooner rather than later.

Robert said...

Hello biffer!