Jools is recovering from another ’hedging’

11 Aug 2007

damn bloody things - I swear they're ganging up on me since I took one of their own 'out' recently.
I mean it's damn unfair ganging up on an innocent but rather merry bystander, who happens upon a shortcut on her way home from a work's do

I mean what sort of malicious hedge looks upon a small, slightly inebriated, individual and decides to send them backwards down a small slope on their hands and knees to be greeted by a large thud as said individual hits the bottom of the bank and attempts to disentangle herself from the hedgerow.

That's the world today folks - damn dangerous, with evil hedgerows hell bent on causing as much damage as possible to wellie wearing wenches.

Hurumph!

Lube Olympics, ladybirds and God Spunk

09 Aug 2007

OK I'm finally going to attempt to explain (ish) the events of a night in Cardiff several weeks ago. I make no apologies that most of this is going to come across as one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but it might put some of your thoughts to rest (not fears you note as believe me, fear for my sanity will increase 10 fold by the end of this).

So from my dim and distant memory, this is what I think may have happened (Baggie & Moth - please feel free to correct).

Ok so when attempting to do an impression of the children of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, Moth and I got into a discussion about clouds and I began a little bit of a monologue about how God must form them, but he probably waits until Sunday and of course he's a bit bored by then, so when blokes are bored they err...'knock one out', hence clouds are great big blobby bits of God Spunk and when it rains we're being blessed with God's jizz raining down on us!

On arrival at the pub and after several beverages I attempted to impress everyone with my lube olympics impression. Baggie had already seen it so she's best left to explain. But imagine me, if you will demonstrating the best ways to throw yourselves into a sexual act, whilst lubed up..so we had the entrance, the lower, the hang on for dear life and the dismount, followed by the 10.0 scores for executing all of this from a starting position of the top of the wardobe (imagine Jools with arms and legs flailing in all directions).

I can't remember exactly how this led onto ladybirds but it was along the lines of, trying to execute any of these movements without falling off is akin to a woman trying to piss on a ladybird - i.e. a bit on the difficult side!
This then led onto a conversation about how ladybird's deserve it as they always piss on us and then fuck off and what sort of pants ladybirds wear.
Of course being the boffin I am I pointed out to everyone that ladybirds already have pants on, that's the little black and red bits - very boudoir bombshell you see.

Oh yeh and something about volvos and vulva's which I think was a classic spoonerism on my part that then went completely wonky and certainly gained the boys' interest when I said I'd had more experience of vulva's the volvo's.

So there you go - still mad, still drinking, still single - can you believe it??

Hi ho Hi ho

03 Aug 2007

So during the day I have to be all sensible and I spend my whole time keeping hormonal women apart. Honestly it's all women ever do in a work based scenario, they just want to bitch at each other and blame it on their hormones.

There's always something to blame it on, they've just split up with their boyfriend, they're discovering their sexuality, they're pregnant or going through the menopause, doesn't matter, any which way you have it - there's going to be tears before bedtime.

I spend my whole time doing some demented Dr Phil impression – 'so tell me, how do you feel about that? And what I'm hearing from you is…..'

I ended up having to go through a mediation meeting because someone wanted the fucking lights on in the office. For fucks sake you only have to work with these people, we're not asking you to make them your life partner, you just have to work out how to share a bloody stapler.

Ricky Gervais is renowned for writing a wonderful sitcom about office politics that centres on bad management and office romances but really offices consist of people slagging one another off cause they've had to share a 4 hole punch and someone's left the paper guide on the wrong setting.

is there anything sadder than.....

31 Jul 2007

a 30+ female with no hope of forming a loving and sexually liberated relationship, wandering round Ann Summers by herself, sighing dejectedly and wondering if at least the cats would like to play with the tassles?


*Is it really that bad when you start to imagine having pussy rub on your jelly and ice cream?

Loo roll fairies – a fairytale for grown ups

27 Jul 2007

Once upon a time in an enchanted palace known as the shining city of Priviness lived a small and delicate fairy known to all ass Toiletta the guardian fairy of all water closets.

Toiletta ruled over her kingdom with peace and serenity. She had many lovely female followers who were respectful to her world and abided by the rules of the land and could make a 'hotel point' fold on a loo roll in 5 seconds flat.

For many years Toiletta and her followers were blissfully happy as they went about their daily business and Toiletta enjoyed a peaceful reign for the loo rolls were plentiful and abundant.

Years passed and the inhabitants grew worried as their numbers began to dwindle. Then on one magical night the inhabitants of Priviness found themselves over run with young males intent on helping them with their repopulation.

At first the ladies of Priviness were delighted with their new and interesting consorts and for a while the inhabitants would happily laze about making love, skipping through golden fields and generally getting themselves up the duff.

Then slowly as the rose tint began to tire the original inhabitants realised they weren't perhaps as happy as they once were.

Their previous balanced lifestyle was being upset by an imbalance in nature and force unknown to woman. It happened slowly at first, everyone could feel it but none could figure out why arguments were starting to rumble and remote controls were being thrown.

Finally they decide to seek Toiletta's advice as they were in fear of losing their marital beds.

Toiletta listened patiently to their tales of woe and with years of wisdom, enlightened her followers…

'But of course it is obvious what is happening, these men folk have not respect for the rules of Priviness and mock us with their ways. You can clearly see it..have you not noticed how thy throne seats are always left in an upward position and how thy toilet paper is never replaced on the holder and it is always the woman folk who find the inner tube lolling sadly against the holder'?

A gasp went through the assembled throng as they realised that Toiletta did in fact speak the truth, but what one earth were they to do? They couldn't risk losing their only means of reproduction.

Toiletta did impress upon them the learned ways of Priviness and asked them to educate their men.

So over the coming years the inhabitants of Priviness attempted to educate their men folk with a variety of lectures, demonstrations and the tried and tested technique of nagging on mass. However Toiletta did not account for the serious defect in men that leads to total divviness and an inability to hear the fine acoustics associated with a well timed nag.

The inhabitants of Priviness were furious with their ruler and took revenge in the only way they knew how.


And to this day this is why you will find in many homes, across the land, a small fairy, with a crinoline skirt, resting on top of the toilet with a loo roll shoved up her arse.

Social niceties (a semi return to proper posting)

25 Jul 2007

I don't know about you but I get seriously pissed off with all these 'social' do's where you have to behave in a proper way.

I'm not talking pissed up night's out with your mates, half a ton of cream cheese and a spatula, nope I'm talking about these social do's where you have to be on your best behaviour – you know they type that your well meaning partner drags you along to in a vain attempt to impress his boss – quite frankly you'd rather be sat on the sofa in your jim jams, an industrial sized slab of dairy milk at your side and that scene from Pride and Prejudice on constant repeat on your big screen telly – but you think what the hell he never takes you anywhere where you can wear a frock and there's always the chance of nicking the guest soaps and having a go old nose around for any sex toys.

So off you toddle trying to look elegant and knowledgeable, whilst unaware that your George at Asda label is sticking out the back of your batwing lurex number, when you get swooped upon by that most annoying of creatures: The social serpent. She swoops in with hair like Magenta de Vine's, pashmina looped elegantly across her shoulders and Manolos you'd give your own eggs for.

'Mwah mwah oh daarrling, who are you and who are you here with?'

You mutter something about oh that bloke in the corner he's my husband

'Oh how lovely so you're a mum, are you running round after little ones all the time?'

'Err no I work actually'

'Oh really so what is it that you do?'


FUCK!

What do you say? You can hardly say actually I'm in a crap menial job with shitty conditions and I spend my day fantasising over pictures of Capt Jack Sparrow.

If you make up some highfalutin job at the Bank of England, you just know that Mrs 'knickers on too tight' will know some bloke called Peregrine who works there and went to school with dear little Johnny and you'll be well and truly rumbled.

So what alternatives do you have?

Well we here at Total Tit Inc have come up with a couple of possibilities to get you out of this venomous trap:

So why not try one of these the next time you get asked – so what do you do?


Children, but I'm not really supposed to talk about it as I've been told I'm not allowed to go out on any more recruitment drives and in actual fact I'm damn surprised I'm able to come along tonight, but those electronic tagging devices aren't quite as robust as you would think.


Oh I'm a sanitary bin removal expert. It's not regular but we do get to eat all the chocolate we could ever want.

The drugs DO work

14 Jul 2007

bloody amazing, I'm trippin out on lemsip and benilyn - more energy than I've had for weeks...watch out ladybirds I'm a comin for ya.....

*bimbles off to find a ladybird catching net and realises a stocking will probably do...calm down Death it's on me hand like a wee little sock puppet...right, where ya at you freaky little spotty fuckers.....

Ow buggering ow

10 Jul 2007

Its official - exercise is dangerous for you - don't do it I tell you, don't believe the hype, it's all total bollocks...

Yup once again I have done myself an injury. After attempting a run down one of the various country lanes (well I say run when really I mean a lollop not much faster than one of my bovine audience) I am now the proud owner of a dodgy foot. Could possibly be a ripped tendon but have spent the whole day attempting not to walk anywhere and making staff come to me.

Lil buggers didn't even bother bringing me any grapes - how the hell am I supposed to do my Cleopatra impression?

So once again I am incapacitated and the support bandage has done about as much use as a sports bra (not that I would wear a sports bra on my foot, I'm demented but even I know they go round your ears).

So everyone say..ahhhhhhhh and send me tea and cakes and hot men to make me feel better :)

Oh and I shall blog about pissing on ladybirds etc, however I need to seek informative guidance from the other participants as the facts have yet to be confirmed.
(i.e. I was a bit pissed and can't remember how these conversations came about but am hoping we may be able to piece together the evening).

mwah mwah xx

Pissing on a ladybird......

Posted 08 Jul 2007

lube olympics, god spunk and vulvas vs volvos (the big debate), just some of the many wondrous things, spoken about at great length until 6.30 this morning...

Upside being, you can't have a hangover if you haven't been to bed!

Love to all - go support the Welsh Comedy Festival, your funny bone needs a good work out.

Biffery bites (again)

Posted 02 Jul 2007

Really not a good idea to be talking to a learning and development professional and realise you meant to say..ooh yeh the acoustics in here are great', but said 'ooh yeh the autistics in here are great'.

Damn, damn damn my divviness

Also compounded by emancipated and emaciated....fuck it gets worse...mind you at least I didn't whack my head on a car door or fall off a pavement whilst trying to save a friend from walking into a lamppost :)

You know you're really old when....

Posted 01 Jul 2007

trying to extricate a train ticket from a complicated piece of technilogical equipment 2 kindly young gentlemen come up to assist you by handily pointing out that you need to press the big button on the screen!

Cheeky fuckwits, yes I'm not a complete biffer, I do understand that it's a touch screen and to get it to work I cannily need to touch it!

Its at this point you can hear your inner monologue reciting 'Do you even remember leg warmers, I've had more sherbet dib dabs than you've had hot dinners'.

Yup its official guys, according to the youff of the country, I'm old and in need of help. Ner mind at least I can say 'organic growth' and not just be referring to and then giggling at an erection.


*hee hee

The continuing tales of OCD Boy

Posted 24 Jun 2007

Now in full from the Russell Howard Show:

Following last week's scintillating adventure amongst the perilous peas of his local supermarket. OCD boy has decided he needs some R&R to calm the chaos and soothe his soul.

Knowing his favourite relaxation technique is to spend time with some of his mates; he quickly whips out his mobile and makes some frantic calls to people who really should have better things to do with their time than attempt to play footie in a small garden in the football challenged town of Swindon.

Fortunately for OCD boy none of his friends lead very exciting lives and before he knows it he has a queue of friends on his doorstep insisting that he provides them with beer and food.

Fearing a riot he quickly escapes to the kitchen to rustle up one of his 'infamous' dinner party recipes. Wrestling with his '101 things to do with sprouts' book he quickly produces the most sumptuous meal known to man.

The amassed hordes of hungry young men tuck into the glorious grub and the riot is quickly averted.

OCD boy can once again rest easily as his superhero powers ensure that all is well in the world again and the game 'top trumps' takes on a whole new meaning as the sun sets over his perfect patio.

A question for the ladyeez

Posted 21 Jun

Ladyeez with long hair...

When you get yourself all sudssied (sic) up in the shower and you're washing your hair, do you find that rather large amounts of hair gets caught in yer erm...how do I put this delicately...well you know in yer downstairs department?

Everytime I get out of the shower I have to execute a yoga like movement. You know like one of those 'put your leg up on the bath to make matters easier', demonstrations you get on packets of things we haven't actually read the instructions for, for about 20 years. Thus making me look like a total tit in the vain attempt at removing the acreage of hair that's become wedged between me butt cheeks.

Please tell me it isn't just me?

*Obituary - Jools RIP

Posted 19 Jun 2007

Jools died tragically today after a misfortunate zorbing accident saw her hurtle across Giants causeway and into the sea.

A prolific comedy writer, Jools wrote many of our best loved sitcoms and radio plays and was responsible for the famous 'courgette syndrome' monologues.
Stan up comics across the world sought her wit, wisdom and impressive bosom and her closest friends included Ed Byrne, Brendon Burns and Eddie Izzard.

Described as a lovable rogue and adored by her legion of 'courgettie' fans she is survived by her husband, the actor George Clooney and her cats Fifibooboo and Tallulah Belle.

The memorial service will be held in Jools' favourite wine bar where chocolate hobnobs will be served and her ashes will be made into commemorative egg timers.
Guests are requested to wear appropriate pyjama attire and donations should be sent to the charity,
GAG - helping comics adjust to society since 1878.

*Penned at school today - I got paid to write that! :)

OCD Boy - Superhero extraordinaire (as heard on the Russell Howard Show)

Posted 17 Jun 07

By night a stand up comedian with a hatred of flip flops but by day, Jon Richardson is transformed into the superhero known as OCD Boy.

A normal day in sleepy Swindon see's our hero doing battle with the chavs amongst the aisles of his local supermarket.

Having finally categorised the frozen peas by their location within the European community, our hero espies a young lady precariously perched on the edge of a freezer compartment.

Fearing for the damsel's dignity as she displays her knickers to the passers by, he sprints down the aisle and comes to a skidding halt by her feet.

Casting his hygiene issues aside he grabs the damsel round the waist and lifts her back onto the floor and into the realm of restored honour.

As the young lady begins to express her undying gratitude for this supremely gentlemanly gesture, OCD boy takes flight before she can attempt to engage him in conversation and unwittingly reveal his superhero weakness.

In a flash our hero boards the nearest 'chav central' bus and returns to his dusty office with only his favourite pet, Reg for company.

Join us next week for more scintillating adventures of OCD boy – the man that dinner parties were made for.

Jools, car, hedges and ditches

Posted 15 Jun 2007

Oh my lordy, I definitely win for the biggest DIV moment of the week.

*Yes indeedy, guess who ran her car into a verge/ditch this morning!

To be fair I did execute the movement pretty stylishly and the resulting parking (pic to follow) was actually pretty impressive. Although divviness was compounded by the fact that half of my work 'colleagues' drive the same route and were delighted at my use of 'hedge attack' tactics.

Jools - fine but whip lashed
Car (once recovered by 4 burly work colleagues - they were blokes before people get some smart arsed ideas) seems fine
Snails - 6 of the buggers relocated by high speed transportation
Hedge/ditch/verge - Oh dear!

Tea and sympathy please folks as my neck hurts to buggery.


*Yes it was totally my fault! I decided to overtake a slow arsed driver who unbeknownst to me at the time was overtaking a slow arsed cyclist; strangely enough country roads aren't really made to take 3 cars! Although to be fair I've always said the road need to be widened so I like to think I've helped out the council a little bit.

Brought to you by Jools is a Total Tit Inc, for all your mud relocation needs.