Lube Olympics, ladybirds and God Spunk

09 Aug 2007

OK I'm finally going to attempt to explain (ish) the events of a night in Cardiff several weeks ago. I make no apologies that most of this is going to come across as one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but it might put some of your thoughts to rest (not fears you note as believe me, fear for my sanity will increase 10 fold by the end of this).

So from my dim and distant memory, this is what I think may have happened (Baggie & Moth - please feel free to correct).

Ok so when attempting to do an impression of the children of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, Moth and I got into a discussion about clouds and I began a little bit of a monologue about how God must form them, but he probably waits until Sunday and of course he's a bit bored by then, so when blokes are bored they err...'knock one out', hence clouds are great big blobby bits of God Spunk and when it rains we're being blessed with God's jizz raining down on us!

On arrival at the pub and after several beverages I attempted to impress everyone with my lube olympics impression. Baggie had already seen it so she's best left to explain. But imagine me, if you will demonstrating the best ways to throw yourselves into a sexual act, whilst lubed up..so we had the entrance, the lower, the hang on for dear life and the dismount, followed by the 10.0 scores for executing all of this from a starting position of the top of the wardobe (imagine Jools with arms and legs flailing in all directions).

I can't remember exactly how this led onto ladybirds but it was along the lines of, trying to execute any of these movements without falling off is akin to a woman trying to piss on a ladybird - i.e. a bit on the difficult side!
This then led onto a conversation about how ladybird's deserve it as they always piss on us and then fuck off and what sort of pants ladybirds wear.
Of course being the boffin I am I pointed out to everyone that ladybirds already have pants on, that's the little black and red bits - very boudoir bombshell you see.

Oh yeh and something about volvos and vulva's which I think was a classic spoonerism on my part that then went completely wonky and certainly gained the boys' interest when I said I'd had more experience of vulva's the volvo's.

So there you go - still mad, still drinking, still single - can you believe it??