20 August 2007

Social niceties (a semi return to proper posting)

25 Jul 2007

I don't know about you but I get seriously pissed off with all these 'social' do's where you have to behave in a proper way.

I'm not talking pissed up night's out with your mates, half a ton of cream cheese and a spatula, nope I'm talking about these social do's where you have to be on your best behaviour – you know they type that your well meaning partner drags you along to in a vain attempt to impress his boss – quite frankly you'd rather be sat on the sofa in your jim jams, an industrial sized slab of dairy milk at your side and that scene from Pride and Prejudice on constant repeat on your big screen telly – but you think what the hell he never takes you anywhere where you can wear a frock and there's always the chance of nicking the guest soaps and having a go old nose around for any sex toys.

So off you toddle trying to look elegant and knowledgeable, whilst unaware that your George at Asda label is sticking out the back of your batwing lurex number, when you get swooped upon by that most annoying of creatures: The social serpent. She swoops in with hair like Magenta de Vine's, pashmina looped elegantly across her shoulders and Manolos you'd give your own eggs for.

'Mwah mwah oh daarrling, who are you and who are you here with?'

You mutter something about oh that bloke in the corner he's my husband

'Oh how lovely so you're a mum, are you running round after little ones all the time?'

'Err no I work actually'

'Oh really so what is it that you do?'


What do you say? You can hardly say actually I'm in a crap menial job with shitty conditions and I spend my day fantasising over pictures of Capt Jack Sparrow.

If you make up some highfalutin job at the Bank of England, you just know that Mrs 'knickers on too tight' will know some bloke called Peregrine who works there and went to school with dear little Johnny and you'll be well and truly rumbled.

So what alternatives do you have?

Well we here at Total Tit Inc have come up with a couple of possibilities to get you out of this venomous trap:

So why not try one of these the next time you get asked – so what do you do?

Children, but I'm not really supposed to talk about it as I've been told I'm not allowed to go out on any more recruitment drives and in actual fact I'm damn surprised I'm able to come along tonight, but those electronic tagging devices aren't quite as robust as you would think.

Oh I'm a sanitary bin removal expert. It's not regular but we do get to eat all the chocolate we could ever want.

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