Curbside Carnage

So I thought 'd give you all an update on the wildlife on my way to work, it's something I used to email my city slicker friends about on a daily basis...however this morning there was much less 'living' wildlife than one would imagine...instead we had the following squish...ed fauna:
6 x bunnies (large and small)
2 x magpies
1 x pheasant

I also regularly see badgers (sorry badge), foxes, grouse and the occasional dear. Birds aplenty including the starlings nesting in my guttering..cats also supply us with mice, rats, shrews, spiders and worms

Oh the joys of living in the countryside...and now its raining so you can add slugs to the above...


**Oh forgot to say that's its my first month anniversary of blogging and it was my birthday last week as well...so I think stickies (cakes for the uninitiated) are on everyone else and you should all send me a bottle of champagne to celebrate!

The sound of cats blogging

So come on then who else experiences cat assisted blogging? Tiggy insists on either walking across the keyboard, playing with the mouse cable or sitting on the mouse..maybe he wants his own blog? (or perhaps more likely, he needs to be fed) Also Holly always appears when I start singing, I would like to think its because of my beautiful singing voice but in reality she's probably just trying to shut me up.. oh and she drools on me.
Pic = Holly 2 seconds after I wrote the above...see!

Gronda gronda

Ok so poor old billy is having problems with my wee reference to an aspidistra over at his blog...so answers on a postcard as to why you would be saying gronda gronda whilst holding an aspidistra... First to answer correctly gets erm a big cyber kiss...and fame forever (or as long as this blog lasts) and no googling it either!

I'm like the crypt keeper

Gawd old age really is a wearisome thing... I am currently harbouring a small forest of grey hairs behind my left ear, I swear they pop up overnight. This is not aided by my slightly dodgy idea to go 'ginger' after my recent holiday. So my hair is now 4 different shades, sort of brown (young me), ginger (enhanced me), blonde (also enhanced me) and grey (old me). Tis a very odd look. The other thing with hair and age is that it seems to grow...everywhere. Seriously why don't people warn you about this, for gawd sake I'm only in my thirties but I'm convinced I will wake up soon to finding it sprouting from my ears in that old chap called Morris way. I mean its sprouting up all over the place and my poor lady Venus doodah doesn't know what's hit it. It also seems to be disappearing down the plughole at an alarming rate, I'll be able to carpet the bath with it soon! Add to that a tendency for my knees to go click when I walk up stairs and my penchant for mumbling things like 'for god sake pull your bloody trousers up' at passing 14 year olds (who are probably in all reality about 23) means I really am a grumpy, nearly old, woman.

p.s. Beloved father is quoted as saying (to my mum) "so then what's the trouser situation?" Parents! Can't live with them, can't poison them!

Incommunicado

So am off up to the parentals for a couple of days so will be incommunicado..them having not heard of broadbrand...however thought I'd leave you with the following (I'm sure you've all seen it before but still thought it was funny). Enjoy my darlings...

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on ... . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Where the whole of England melted

Yet again it's too bloody hot..Where all my bits are sticking to other bits and even my hair and pc mouse are sweating! You know us English never happy no matter what the weather, but god what I wouldn't give to be making snow angels at the moment. Oh and bloody thunderbugs, what's the deal with them, not only do you get all hot and sticky but then you get wee little black flecks getting all hot and sticky on top of you. If anything's going to get hot and sticky on top of me I'd much rather it be a gorgeous hunk of male. (Preferably of the Eddie Vedder variety).

Show me the way to the sprouts

Have just learnt that some top boffins in Germany are trialing a new sat nav tool for supermarkets. A kind of widget sits on your trolley and once you've entered your shopping list Bob's your Mum's brother and off you go round the supermarket to find all your luscious goodies. However has no one spotted the flaw regarding the type of people who actually make lists for shopping (i.e. women and the anally retentive). We'd all be converging on shoes and chocolate (some sort of roundabout/traffic light system would surely need to be introduced) and the poor old sprouts would never get any visitors. Am I the only one who gives hand directions in supermarkets? (no not the roode ones). I mean whenever I get hold of one of those dinky children's trolleys I always stick me arm out at right angles so people can see where I'm headed! I also have a sneaking suspicion that I may be the only person who goes 'spinning' down clear aisles. It's just such a rare treat to find an aisle with no one in it that it just begs for someone to make full use of the space, hence the spinning with Gay abandon (although who she is I have no idea but she seems to join me at the most inappropriate times).

*Just realised that I have my knickers on sideways. It was early, it was dark and I was going for a jog...see yet another reason not to do exercise!

James Hetfield is a god

...amongst men. Sorry but have been watching a metallica special on kerrang and feel the need to lament about the very trouserly endowed Mr Hetfield. I bow to your superior trouser action, lyrical prowess and poetical ramblings, you are indeed a god amongst men (oh so few) mice (oh so many). Other honorary mentions must be bestowed upon the wondrous Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell, who also know how to splay their legs with wicked abandon.

*Note to self, must not watch rock gods, drink grenache and have access to a computer as may lead to rampant and rather sexually liberated ramblings.....incl many misaligned typos...oops

Love love love it!

Check out the new link for Angry Alien Productions. Flippin hilarious especially RHPS. Enjoy my luvvlies (don't say I never give you anything).

~ Have just watched a sex scene (don't ask its research for the website - honest) and realise that I don't like them. Now don't get me wrong I have no aversion to porn, and may well share my porn shed theory with you all one day but sex scenes in anything other than French films just aren't necessary. I mean we're all grown ups and we all know what they're getting up to and frankly it just makes most of us feel jealous or slightly inadequate (or in worst cases, both). It just serves to remind us that everyone else in the world is having sex, when in fact they're not - and like us they'd rather be in their jim jams watching Midsomer and drinking horlicks! Am I wrong?

Bernard Pivot questions

Made famous by James Lipton of The Actors Studio, here are the famous 10 questions and my would be answers:

What is your favorite word? Gusset
What is your least favorite word? Hate
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? An engaging book or piece of music, people with a passion for something
Whats your favorite curse word? Bollocks!
What sound or noise do you love? The ocean, crickets, bird song, bacon grilling
What sound or noise do you hate? Screaming 4 year old girls.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Oooh so many writer, event manager, wedding co-ordinator, criminal profiler
What profession would you not like to do? Nursery assistant
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? VIP club is just through here, have some champagne and George Clooney is waiting for you....

Too hot

The sun is shining, the cats are sleeping, it's too hot for anything except ice cream which is not great for the old diet! Actually mini congratulations to baby cat #1 as he caught his first mouse today...aww bless
Plus people are annoying - it's official! Supposed to have 9 people on a course tomorrow now have 6...arrghhhhhh
Sorry not a very enlightening post but today has been one of those 'can't be arsed' days and surprisingly I even got away with it and can't say I've achieved anything of note at work today.
Must get butt into gear about moving to London, tis all a bit big and scary though...baby steps, baby steps....

*** Ooh website is now registered on first page of hits on google but have completely confused MSN staff with a query regarding their results pages and they haven't spoken to me in a week as trying to figure out the problem...just try this for me (maybe it's just me). On msn set your settings so that you get 50 results per page and then do a search for something that will have loads of results, say Nicole Kidman for example. Then click to page 5 of results, then try to click (using next or the page number) to page 6 and see what happens. I keep getting the same results and no matter what page I try to click to (14, 20, 86 etc) it won't go any further than 5! If it happens, send MSN support an email, lets bombard them with it til they sort it! Alternatively you could do what MSN staff do anyway, and just use google *g*

Mad cat

Think the cat is going to get spongyitis as I've just caught it drinking the water out of my foot spa! hmmmmmm

Hi ho Hi ho

and back to work go. Ok so the weekend was fine, had the house to myself on Saturday night which was bliss. Did all the girlie things like, 40 mins on the cross trainer (bloody hell my thighs hurt), lovely bubbly bath (plucking my ever increasing eyebrows whilst I was at it), then settled down to tea (which consisted of 4 x Laughing cow light triangles, yoghurt with fruit coulis, 2 glasses of wine and 4 tiny bits of fair trade dark chocolate - bizarre I know) and then watched the fabulous Sword of Honour. However didn't actually realise it was a mini series and over 3 hours long, so was a bit surprised that I was still up watching it at gone midnight, however it was worth it and I strongly recommend it to anyone who enjoys Foyles war and the like.

Sunday was spent lolling around reading the paper, updating websites and dragging out my foot spa as I realised my feet are in a bit of a knackered old state (its my age you see, everything's beginning to droop or ache or crack....)
Oh yes and Mummy cat is quite mad, she seems to have decided to 'provide' for the kittens (even tho 2 have left home and the other 2 are 5 months old) so far she has relocated the following items: Scrubbing brush, chicken bones, flips flops, my Frank n Furter rubber duck and several worms (now deceased) - odd little thing. Plus black and white kitten decided he was going to come in from outdoors whilst I had the window open, however his perception must have been slightly askew as he ran straight up to the window, smacked into it and the slid down the outside just like a cartoon sketch. He was unharmed, however I nearly had to be taken to hospital to have my sides stitched up (funniest thing I've seen in ages, still laughing about it now in fact).

Mini milestone

Ok so I think I've turned a milestone...
Last night I opened a bottle of wine...and wait for it...it's still open. Yes that's right I actually only drank about 2 glasses from it which means its still sat in the fridge for tonight. That might not mean a lot to you but to me it's like turning a new page in a book as I was very much with the school of 'once you open a bottle you've got to consume the lot'. I can only assume that this strange behaviour is what resulted in my even more strange desire to go for a run this morning. And this I did - yes me, at 6am this morning running round the fields, well being honest it was kind of lollaping, strolling, lollaping a bit more.... but I was the only person in the fields at 6am (the wellie brigade not having roused their cocker spaniels from their beds yet) and its a glorious morning so apart from getting a blister and being covered in bits of hay, it was alright!

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Ok so I officially feel like the biggest bitch in the world. A very nice couple came today to have 2 of the kittens and although I know 7 cats is waaayyy too many I just felt awful having to give 2 away. I know the couple so know they will look after them really well and even managed to maintain my composure but how do you pick which 2 are supposed to go. Its not helped by Mum wandering round looking for them...I feel awful.....
On the plus side the chap I was chatting about yesterday wandered past me at lunch and made a point of saying hello and smiling. I was of course with said friend at the time so I have to say there was a little imp inside of me doing a little jig and pulling a na na na nah nah, I told you so face!

Flippin people

So back to work today as felt much better but kind of wished I hadn't bothered. I have a friend who's going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment so I'm being my normal sympathtic self trying to encourage to go out more, being a shoulder to cry on etc and I don't expect her to be happy or cheerful or anything, but when she can't even say nice things to me it makes me wonder why I bother! She couldn't even muster a well done when I said I'd lost 3lbs (which she knows is an uphill battle for me) and then when I mentioned some chap that I fancied and made of joke of the fact I could try and get him to ask me out, her response was 'Well that's never going to happen is it!' Bloody cheek if you ask me, I mean she might hate men at the moment but does she really have to piss on my parade too!
Sorry min rant over and done with now.

ughhhhhh

So am feeling slightly sorry for myself today and feeling all yucky with bad head and stomach. Think I may have a bit of heatstroke, even though I didn't really venture outside yesterday I think I must be really dehydrated. I elected not to go for a walk last night but got out my lateral thigh trainer and did a rather intense workout for nearly an hour (burning approx 400 calories) felt quite good but extremely sweaty and smelly afterwards. Then came up with a great idea for a new website and spent all night thinking about it, meaning I didn't get to sleep until about 4am, which means I'm now trying to get back to sleep but the heat and builders are preventing me from doing so! On the plus side did lose 3lbs this week which is excellent as I thought I'd put on a pound.
Off to start tinkering with website....

Sunday Happy Sunday

Sunday's are fast turning into my favourite day of the week. Today is yet another hot one, way too hot if I'm honest. I'm sat here in shorts and t-shirt and literally everything is sticking to me, the cats are unimpressed too. Am pleased with myself though as got my arse in gear and went for a walk last night, then came back and even though I'd switched the PC off I switched it back on again and actually carried on with the book for 30 mins. Have done the same again today, so yep I've done a full hour's writing and am fairly pleased with what I got down. I suppose I should explain a little bit about it.
Have always wanted to write a book and believe I'm one of those 'everyone's got a book in them' people - although I don't really believe it because if that were true everyone would've had a book published by now and some people can't string a sentence together in a conversation let alone on paper. Anyway have had some half hearted attempts at it in the past more for my own practice than anything else. But have taken heed and have decided to write about what I know about so am kind of writing a handbook for the 30 something female. Well the first chapter which I'm having no problems with, is all about alcohol and considering that at the age of 31 I managed to throw up all over the kitchen last Saturday night due to way too much lemon schnapps, I think I'm quite well placed to give advice :)
Have also had a lovely lazy day reading the papers and chilling out...must do tarot reading in a bit.....

my so called life

Ok so my day so far consisted of, tidying up, arsing about on the pc, chatting to my mate who came over to get her laptop fixed by my housemate (to no avail), having a cooked brekkie at 3.30!, watching a bit of TV, avoiding anyone who has anything to do with football, going for a walk and then just possibly having bath...god its an exciting life I lead isn't it! Did start looking at jobs in London and rewriting my CV, if anyone's got any good tips on how to sell myself please advise. I mean know I can do the job and I'm committed and all that I'm just crap at selling myself and tend to be too modest..and yeh I am conscious that, that sounds really egotistical as well...ack you can't win

Wake up its a beautiful morning

Ok so its a glorious morning here, the sun is out and the cats are all lazing about as its too hot for them.....so what does the day hold...not a clue? Spent the night watching a comedy vid and consuming too much wine, have literally just got out of bed after spending an hour trying to extend my fantasy dream about a certain celebrity...didn't work as my mind always seems to take over with mundane details like I need to go and do the washing, have to wash the car, need to go for a walk as didn't go yesterday....ho hum