22 August 2006

Observations in a small town

I'm in a fug, so am resorting to one of those 'saved for another day' pieces....

How many people does it take to walk a dog?
Apparently at least 8 if local villagers are to be believed. I mean honestly poor dog look a wee bit confused with so many people around him, I mean imagine his embarrassment when he wants to do his stuff.

Staring – why is it that people (and yes I do mean oldies here) feel that it’s quite acceptable to just stare at you? There I was parking my car (ok it’s a rusty shitbucket, but it gets me from A to B i.e. alcohol to bedroom) and this old bint just stared at me. Checked myself for skirt in pants, 2 heads or tourettes, but no I was my normal self, so I just stared back, think she got the message – just wish I’d been wearing a hoodie.

My village is turning into Surbiton. Ok well maybe its not quite as bad as the Stepford Wives but I swear there were 3 similar cars all in silver all parked next to each other..I swear if I’d been the paperboy all the doors would’ve opened at the same time as the suburbanites heard the familiar kerclunk sound of paper against pvc (door, not catsuit you pervs) and 3 blonde, be curled, dressing gown witches would’ve appeared, pretending of course not to have noticed their neighbour doing the same thing.

Parking Rage – ok you big city folks can have your road rage and all it’s glamour we in suburbia have parking rage. When you live in a sweet little village, with sweet little rows of houses and sweet little parking areas you end up with not so sweet (read fuckin loony dickwads) parking in particularly strange places. In particular my effin parking space. My neighbour has 2 cars, one of which being a stoopid 4x4 thing and he insists on parking both of them outside his house (there’s plenty of parking not more than 10 yards away), meaning I can’t park my tiny car outside my house. Knobber

Squished things – Ok you’ve already heard about the curb side carnage which is my drive to work, but the other day there was a wee little hedgehog mashed on the road. I remember thinking ‘how strange that hedgehog seems to be attached to a bit of string, maybe a small child had decided to take it for a walk’. I then realised it wasn’t a bit of string it was said hog pig’s intestine lying stretched across the road.
See and you all thought the countryside was boring and calm – believe me it’s a hot bed of crime, swinging and tweed caps.
Also dictionary on word can’t recognise tourette’s and believes I should have courgette syndrome instead.


Billy said...

"courgette syndrome" I don't want to know what that would involve. :)

Oh and the best way I've found to annoy an old person is to accidentally push in front of them in a supermarket queue. You hear a strange tutting noise and you look round and have to slink off apologetically.

Tim Footman said...

"crime, swinging and tweed caps"

All three at the same time?

Jools said...

Oh yes, have you never heard of the tweed wearing, whip nicking swinging posse of Surbiton?

Jools said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
POE said...

I'm still in shock at the hedgehog thing. Why are my 'people' persecuted so?

(Hello btw)

Lynsey said...

Hi Jools, I have had a recent influx of old people staring. I mentioned the old guy on a bench that I had to move away from in one of my posts but now I have to get all stealthy during my weekly food shop as the tesco trolly man has started staring. Someone make him stop!

POE said...

So that was you in the supermarket the other day, Billy... *tch*

Istvanski said...

Surbiton has had a recent upsurge in popularity over the last few years ever since the famous names and stars of music, stage and screen moved in.

There was a documentary and accompanying film about it hosted by Messrs Sessions & Cornwell.