Kebabs, ear wax and MOOB's

Posted 4th May

Continuing to grow old – Once you're in your 30's it takes an inordinately long amount of time in the morning for your face to fall into place. You spend all your money on industrial size pots of oil of Olay in a vain attempt to smooth out the wrinkles, which has all the effect of trying to decrinkle a crinkle shirt.

You never have to worry about moisturiser in your 20's, the closet you get to moisturiser is when one of your well meaning but inevitably drunk mates pushes a kebab loaded with garlic mayo into your face, hopefully having removed the chilli sauce first.

The other thing that tends to happen is that your ear wax takes on a mini manufacturing role within your body. What was once produced in small amounts in a kind of lakeside, local tea shop, Auntie's homemade scone way has now been taken over by Richard Branson and is a huge factory style deal, complete with mini wax workers who are hell bent on collecting their productivity bonus at the end of each week.

Apparently my local college has cottoned onto this new cottage industry and is running 'ear candling' courses. Where you can do something with hops with your friends and families, I can only assume that this will entail holding your loved ones close to the fireplace so you can drain their ear wax and mould it into amusing shaped candles.

Mind you it could be worse as they're also offering know your soil and empower your breasts. Both courses available to both sexes, so any men currently sporting MOOBs why not exploit the power within you and discover your feminine identity with a well fitted bra. (Not sure about discovering your feminine identity but you'll certainly discover your inner transvestism and who your real friends are).