Wine goggles and a propensity for support undies

Posted 28 Apr

Prostitutes have got it right – getting paid for sex. Us singlies are totally going about sex in the wrong way, for starters the cash layout begins way before an actual date. First you've got all that preparation crap to try and pull a bloke, like damned foundation underwear. I prefer the all over body hugger which mean the rolls of fat from your bosom to your thighs are all subtly squished together to give an illusion of oneness. The only side effect being that your bosom is now giving you a double chin and your kneecaps look like they've been the healthy recipient of left over liposuction fat.

The there's the ton of make up that would make a cabin crew member recoil in horror and that's just the male ones and of course the countless amounts of furtive phone calls in toilets to ring your coupled up mates for advice on how to pull. This is a pointless exercise as these guys have been shacked up together for years and the last thing they pulled is a lower leg ligament trying to fill Mr Tiddles' litter tray.

Then when you do get a date the process just continues from there…out goes the support underwear and in come the frillies, all wires, balconies and blatant lies…not so much enhancing cleavage as creating.

Then you have to go with his choice of film, cause everything you've ever read has told you that men like their women to be subservient and submissive. So you go and watch a horror film, where he believes you really must need your eyes tested as you seem to have spent the entire film studying your drinks container rather intently.

You have to pretend to laugh at all his jokes and pretend to want to go halves on the bills. Guys – we don't. We may be up for equal opportunities but that doesn't apply to paying for things, when it comes to this we're still complete tight wads.

Then you have to fib your way through the entire sex thing..'Oh you're so big, you're so amazing, I've never had anyone make me feel like this before'.

Finally you're left in the morning trying to think of excuses to get him out of your bed, house and as your wine goggles snap sharply back into place, probably your life.

So prostitute's have got it right - they've never had to fib their way through sex, remember their name or make them a cup of tea in the morning!