Wellies, wife swapping and kumquats

Posted 25 Apr

I love living in the country, land of tractors, wellies and wife swapping.
It's great - the local town hall puts on courses to keep us amused, including needlepoint, cow tipping for beginners and a little light BDSM.

No need to worry about the practicalities though, as Majorie from the WI will nip round to tidy up the equipment, offer half time refreshments and proceed to tell everyone in the post office queue about your special birth mark and what exactly you were trying to do with that kumquat.

The local college has decided not to be outdone and is offering the following courses: get to know your soil, pole dancing and empower your breasts – 'unleash your feminine identity with a well fitted bra'.

Do you know what? I couldn't really give a stuff about unleashing anything, as quite frankly my norks need to be bound to my chest by way of a straight jacket to ensure I don't knock people sideways. Who the bloody hell is bothered about a well fitting bra – it's always the first thing to come off! Via the armpit and employing advanced yoga techniques of course.

Seriously guys, you know when you have those 'special' lessons at school when the boys and girls are separated. We assume you're being told about the best wanking position and how to order a pimms without looking gay and you reckon we're learning all about periods and ladybits. Nope we're being taught the age old method of through the armpit bra removal followed by the 'get what you want through nagging' technique.