01 June 2007

Enhanced drunken jim jams it is then

Posted 13 Apr

OK, so just for my lovely subscribers, I bring you drunken jim jams (you are all going to be SOOO disappointed now as I rather feel we pimped it up a bit too much)

Is it ALWAYS wrong to be in your 30's and still drink an entire bottle of lemon schnapps and throw up down your jim jams?
Cause we never wear anything but jim jams now. They suddenly become the uniform of choice for the semi alcoholic 30 year old. Gone are they days of throwing up in the gutter, on someone else, or down your best batwing fluorescent jumper, nope hit your 30's and you just don't go outside any more. Quite frankly, what's the point you're only going to be harassed by hoodied youffs shouting obscenities about your zimmer frame and all the drinks are bloody expensive. Why go to the expense of going out and buying a jack daniels and coke when you can buy a bottle of Liebfraumilch for a fiver and stay in watching Top Gear.

And what about the serving suggestions they put on bottles of wine. I don't mean the serving suggestions ' this goes nice with chicken or fish' those sorts of one, cause lets face it all we really want is one that says goes very well with kebabs, but I think the lager industry has cornered the market on that one.

No I mean the size servings they suggest. On a standard bottle of wine they reckon you can get 6 glasses out of it. 6! 6! – What sort of Lilliputian fantasy world are these guys living in? I don't know about you but I'm lucky if I get 3 glasses out of a bottle and to be fair I'm lucky if the wine even makes it into a glass.

Now they've also come up with wine stoppers, you know to 'store' your wine so it doesn't go off! Christ that's never going to happen, my white wine is lucky if it even sees the fridge before its consumed. I don't have a cellar, why the fuck would I need a device to store wine.

Of course the problem with living on your own is you have no guage of how drunk you actually are. Yes you've got a ready meal for 1 and the cats for company but that's about it.

Stairs do help with establishing the level of drunkenness but if you live in a studio flat or a bungalow you're totally bollocked. You tend to be ok until you attempt to go for a piss and then suddenly the sofa seems to be a very long way from the floor. Of course its not at this point that your body goes into puke spasms..oh no its at 3 am, you've been asleep for a couple of hours when your body suddenly jerks you awake and you realise that
a) you've drunk an entire bottle of walnut liquer and you have a intolerance to nuts,
b) you're spreadeagled like a beslippered starfish across your rather cold and hard laminate flooring and
c) you're really not going to make it to the loo or even sink in time to chuck up last night's kebab.

And really puke is bloody difficult to get out of flannelette. Maybe that's what we need for the next series of the 'You've got a crap idea' or Dragon's Den or whatever it's called – the first set of puke resistant pyjamas.

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