and she's off about toilets, again....

Posted 14 Apr

Carrying on from toilet tardis I thought I better just continue with my education of the men folk and explain in a little more depth about what women actually get up to in the toilets.

First picture the scene:

You're in a trendy nightclub surrounded by gorgeous females (trust me on this, they're all gorgeous cause you've just downed 8 pints of lager), anyway you spot that all the women are making 'evil eyes' at each other as they boogle themselves into oblivion. Invariably at some point in the evening 2 or more of them will make the difficult ascent towards the loos.

Once within the safe toilety haven a complete metamorphosis occurs:

First, most of the glaring ceases as women drape themselves casually against a wall, sink or willing victim

Then we strike up a conversation with anyone who'll listen, which normally consists of:

Gawd there's always a damn queue isn't there
Ooh I like your top, where'd you get it
And ooh what's that bint over there having a rant about?

This continues until we make it into a cubicle, upon which we discover one or all of the following:

No loo roll
Broken lock
No loo seat
Floor that resembles Lake Michigan

At this point we hover over the loo seat, precariously perched with a foot on the door, as we holler out 'anyone got any loo roll?'. Dependent on the floor in question this is either passed under the loos (this is the usual etiquette) upon which we comment on our cubicle buddy's shoes, or occasionally we opt for the overhead lob.

The broken door dilemma is just one of the reasons we take our mates with us. Similar to meerkats we operate a 'look out' system, where a mate is placed outside the door to act as a door stop and also to protect us from any would be predators *see previous comment about ranting bints.

Of course posher toilets never have all of these problems, but I've yet to find one that doesn't suffer from one of them. The problem with posher loos is that they put the toilet further away from the door, which is a logistical nightmare if you are sans friend. Imagine if you will a woman try to invoke a < shape whilst directing her pee backwards. Near on impossible to emerge without looking like a tie dyed hippy.