You know you're really old when....

Posted 01 Jul 2007

trying to extricate a train ticket from a complicated piece of technilogical equipment 2 kindly young gentlemen come up to assist you by handily pointing out that you need to press the big button on the screen!

Cheeky fuckwits, yes I'm not a complete biffer, I do understand that it's a touch screen and to get it to work I cannily need to touch it!

Its at this point you can hear your inner monologue reciting 'Do you even remember leg warmers, I've had more sherbet dib dabs than you've had hot dinners'.

Yup its official guys, according to the youff of the country, I'm old and in need of help. Ner mind at least I can say 'organic growth' and not just be referring to and then giggling at an erection.


*hee hee

The continuing tales of OCD Boy

Posted 24 Jun 2007

Now in full from the Russell Howard Show:

Following last week's scintillating adventure amongst the perilous peas of his local supermarket. OCD boy has decided he needs some R&R to calm the chaos and soothe his soul.

Knowing his favourite relaxation technique is to spend time with some of his mates; he quickly whips out his mobile and makes some frantic calls to people who really should have better things to do with their time than attempt to play footie in a small garden in the football challenged town of Swindon.

Fortunately for OCD boy none of his friends lead very exciting lives and before he knows it he has a queue of friends on his doorstep insisting that he provides them with beer and food.

Fearing a riot he quickly escapes to the kitchen to rustle up one of his 'infamous' dinner party recipes. Wrestling with his '101 things to do with sprouts' book he quickly produces the most sumptuous meal known to man.

The amassed hordes of hungry young men tuck into the glorious grub and the riot is quickly averted.

OCD boy can once again rest easily as his superhero powers ensure that all is well in the world again and the game 'top trumps' takes on a whole new meaning as the sun sets over his perfect patio.

A question for the ladyeez

Posted 21 Jun

Ladyeez with long hair...

When you get yourself all sudssied (sic) up in the shower and you're washing your hair, do you find that rather large amounts of hair gets caught in yer erm...how do I put this delicately...well you know in yer downstairs department?

Everytime I get out of the shower I have to execute a yoga like movement. You know like one of those 'put your leg up on the bath to make matters easier', demonstrations you get on packets of things we haven't actually read the instructions for, for about 20 years. Thus making me look like a total tit in the vain attempt at removing the acreage of hair that's become wedged between me butt cheeks.

Please tell me it isn't just me?

*Obituary - Jools RIP

Posted 19 Jun 2007

Jools died tragically today after a misfortunate zorbing accident saw her hurtle across Giants causeway and into the sea.

A prolific comedy writer, Jools wrote many of our best loved sitcoms and radio plays and was responsible for the famous 'courgette syndrome' monologues.
Stan up comics across the world sought her wit, wisdom and impressive bosom and her closest friends included Ed Byrne, Brendon Burns and Eddie Izzard.

Described as a lovable rogue and adored by her legion of 'courgettie' fans she is survived by her husband, the actor George Clooney and her cats Fifibooboo and Tallulah Belle.

The memorial service will be held in Jools' favourite wine bar where chocolate hobnobs will be served and her ashes will be made into commemorative egg timers.
Guests are requested to wear appropriate pyjama attire and donations should be sent to the charity,
GAG - helping comics adjust to society since 1878.

*Penned at school today - I got paid to write that! :)

OCD Boy - Superhero extraordinaire (as heard on the Russell Howard Show)

Posted 17 Jun 07

By night a stand up comedian with a hatred of flip flops but by day, Jon Richardson is transformed into the superhero known as OCD Boy.

A normal day in sleepy Swindon see's our hero doing battle with the chavs amongst the aisles of his local supermarket.

Having finally categorised the frozen peas by their location within the European community, our hero espies a young lady precariously perched on the edge of a freezer compartment.

Fearing for the damsel's dignity as she displays her knickers to the passers by, he sprints down the aisle and comes to a skidding halt by her feet.

Casting his hygiene issues aside he grabs the damsel round the waist and lifts her back onto the floor and into the realm of restored honour.

As the young lady begins to express her undying gratitude for this supremely gentlemanly gesture, OCD boy takes flight before she can attempt to engage him in conversation and unwittingly reveal his superhero weakness.

In a flash our hero boards the nearest 'chav central' bus and returns to his dusty office with only his favourite pet, Reg for company.

Join us next week for more scintillating adventures of OCD boy – the man that dinner parties were made for.

Jools, car, hedges and ditches

Posted 15 Jun 2007

Oh my lordy, I definitely win for the biggest DIV moment of the week.

*Yes indeedy, guess who ran her car into a verge/ditch this morning!

To be fair I did execute the movement pretty stylishly and the resulting parking (pic to follow) was actually pretty impressive. Although divviness was compounded by the fact that half of my work 'colleagues' drive the same route and were delighted at my use of 'hedge attack' tactics.

Jools - fine but whip lashed
Car (once recovered by 4 burly work colleagues - they were blokes before people get some smart arsed ideas) seems fine
Snails - 6 of the buggers relocated by high speed transportation
Hedge/ditch/verge - Oh dear!

Tea and sympathy please folks as my neck hurts to buggery.


*Yes it was totally my fault! I decided to overtake a slow arsed driver who unbeknownst to me at the time was overtaking a slow arsed cyclist; strangely enough country roads aren't really made to take 3 cars! Although to be fair I've always said the road need to be widened so I like to think I've helped out the council a little bit.

Brought to you by Jools is a Total Tit Inc, for all your mud relocation needs.

Pants

Posted 11 Jun

I am currently sat here in my pants and bra, waiting for my fake tan to dry and slowly turn me into a day glo traffic cone.
Believe me this is not a good look, but at least for once my underwear matches.

Well not so much matches as co-ordinates..i.e. both bits are black, matching would be a little extreme..I mean they're only work pants after all.
God, hope I don't go anywhere with any chance of pulling, the poor sod's going to be in for a real treat when he see's me in my work best.

So who else is blogging in their pants?

Serendiptiy - Does this count as a fetish post or just a bit sad? ;)

Tagged

Posted 8 Jun

I've been tagged by the lovely serendipity and as I'm a complete blogger's whore, I thought why the hell not?

"The rules of tagging: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" on their profile and to read your latest blog. Have fun!"

I'm also not going to explain any of my randomness, so feel free to ask away in the comments and I'll do my best to answer truthfully ;)

1.2nd and 3rd toe are longer than the first (sign of creativity apparently)
2. Attended a premiere at Leicester Sq once
3. Once owned a mouse named Sperm and a monster called Fred
4. Never been hospitalised, did however spend an hour in A&E waiting for a nurse on a Saturday night, after burning both my thumbs on candles.
5. I haven't been to the dentist for 16 years, I can open any bottle, beer bottle with my teeth
6. I was once give a bin bag full of porn (at work)
7. I've shot some pretty impressive big guns
8. Have 'done' a photo shoot with Miss Lovely Legs
9. I've been rescued by the coastguard
10. I own a ouija board


Daily Div (DD) moment - Unsucessfully tried to open the key safe by jabbing at it several times before realising I was using the wrong key.

The Daily Div

Posted 7 Jun

Ok, I think we can all rest assured that my dimness has returned to its normal state. So in celebration of all things a bit thick, I thought we could have our very own 'daily div' corner. Somewhere everyone can confess their divviest moment's during the day, without fear of recrimination and social stigmatism. (Although to be fair, do be prepared to have everyone laught AT you whilst trying to cover their own embarrassment).

So c'mon guys fess up, just what singled you out today (and every day) for being a complete dimwit?

I'll start the ball rolling (at 8am - we've got a long way to go, so this is just the start). Luckily didn't do this in front of an audience but I did attempt to put the teaspoon back in the fridge this morning. Of course if you have fetish for iced spoons, then I'm ya gal! ;)

*Actually maybe I should start a post about fetishes?....................

normal service has been resumed

Posted 6 Jun

Just in case any of my lovely blogarino's were getting worried that my turning a corner post indicated that the end was nigh for 'Jools is a total tit Inc', you can rest assured that Inc is still very much a growth inductry.

Yup not 24 hours had passed since the enlightenment which was 'correct knickerage' that Total Tit Industries went into overtime on the factory floor.
All I can say folks is that it's always prudent to pay attention when trying to using straigthtening irons and trying to straighten your thumb is likely to result in tears before bedtime and a thumb that looks like it's been auditioning for the part of Rudolph's nose.

Looks like the whole being an adult thing is out the window then...woo hoo, mini milks, sandpits and fuzzy felt for me.