Curbside Carnage

So I thought 'd give you all an update on the wildlife on my way to work, it's something I used to email my city slicker friends about on a daily basis...however this morning there was much less 'living' wildlife than one would imagine...instead we had the following squish...ed fauna:
6 x bunnies (large and small)
2 x magpies
1 x pheasant

I also regularly see badgers (sorry badge), foxes, grouse and the occasional dear. Birds aplenty including the starlings nesting in my guttering..cats also supply us with mice, rats, shrews, spiders and worms

Oh the joys of living in the countryside...and now its raining so you can add slugs to the above...


**Oh forgot to say that's its my first month anniversary of blogging and it was my birthday last week as well...so I think stickies (cakes for the uninitiated) are on everyone else and you should all send me a bottle of champagne to celebrate!

The sound of cats blogging

So come on then who else experiences cat assisted blogging? Tiggy insists on either walking across the keyboard, playing with the mouse cable or sitting on the mouse..maybe he wants his own blog? (or perhaps more likely, he needs to be fed) Also Holly always appears when I start singing, I would like to think its because of my beautiful singing voice but in reality she's probably just trying to shut me up.. oh and she drools on me.
Pic = Holly 2 seconds after I wrote the above...see!

Gronda gronda

Ok so poor old billy is having problems with my wee reference to an aspidistra over at his blog...so answers on a postcard as to why you would be saying gronda gronda whilst holding an aspidistra... First to answer correctly gets erm a big cyber kiss...and fame forever (or as long as this blog lasts) and no googling it either!

I'm like the crypt keeper

Gawd old age really is a wearisome thing... I am currently harbouring a small forest of grey hairs behind my left ear, I swear they pop up overnight. This is not aided by my slightly dodgy idea to go 'ginger' after my recent holiday. So my hair is now 4 different shades, sort of brown (young me), ginger (enhanced me), blonde (also enhanced me) and grey (old me). Tis a very odd look. The other thing with hair and age is that it seems to grow...everywhere. Seriously why don't people warn you about this, for gawd sake I'm only in my thirties but I'm convinced I will wake up soon to finding it sprouting from my ears in that old chap called Morris way. I mean its sprouting up all over the place and my poor lady Venus doodah doesn't know what's hit it. It also seems to be disappearing down the plughole at an alarming rate, I'll be able to carpet the bath with it soon! Add to that a tendency for my knees to go click when I walk up stairs and my penchant for mumbling things like 'for god sake pull your bloody trousers up' at passing 14 year olds (who are probably in all reality about 23) means I really am a grumpy, nearly old, woman.

p.s. Beloved father is quoted as saying (to my mum) "so then what's the trouser situation?" Parents! Can't live with them, can't poison them!

Incommunicado

So am off up to the parentals for a couple of days so will be incommunicado..them having not heard of broadbrand...however thought I'd leave you with the following (I'm sure you've all seen it before but still thought it was funny). Enjoy my darlings...

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on ... . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Where the whole of England melted

Yet again it's too bloody hot..Where all my bits are sticking to other bits and even my hair and pc mouse are sweating! You know us English never happy no matter what the weather, but god what I wouldn't give to be making snow angels at the moment. Oh and bloody thunderbugs, what's the deal with them, not only do you get all hot and sticky but then you get wee little black flecks getting all hot and sticky on top of you. If anything's going to get hot and sticky on top of me I'd much rather it be a gorgeous hunk of male. (Preferably of the Eddie Vedder variety).

Show me the way to the sprouts

Have just learnt that some top boffins in Germany are trialing a new sat nav tool for supermarkets. A kind of widget sits on your trolley and once you've entered your shopping list Bob's your Mum's brother and off you go round the supermarket to find all your luscious goodies. However has no one spotted the flaw regarding the type of people who actually make lists for shopping (i.e. women and the anally retentive). We'd all be converging on shoes and chocolate (some sort of roundabout/traffic light system would surely need to be introduced) and the poor old sprouts would never get any visitors. Am I the only one who gives hand directions in supermarkets? (no not the roode ones). I mean whenever I get hold of one of those dinky children's trolleys I always stick me arm out at right angles so people can see where I'm headed! I also have a sneaking suspicion that I may be the only person who goes 'spinning' down clear aisles. It's just such a rare treat to find an aisle with no one in it that it just begs for someone to make full use of the space, hence the spinning with Gay abandon (although who she is I have no idea but she seems to join me at the most inappropriate times).

*Just realised that I have my knickers on sideways. It was early, it was dark and I was going for a jog...see yet another reason not to do exercise!

James Hetfield is a god

...amongst men. Sorry but have been watching a metallica special on kerrang and feel the need to lament about the very trouserly endowed Mr Hetfield. I bow to your superior trouser action, lyrical prowess and poetical ramblings, you are indeed a god amongst men (oh so few) mice (oh so many). Other honorary mentions must be bestowed upon the wondrous Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell, who also know how to splay their legs with wicked abandon.

*Note to self, must not watch rock gods, drink grenache and have access to a computer as may lead to rampant and rather sexually liberated ramblings.....incl many misaligned typos...oops

Love love love it!

Check out the new link for Angry Alien Productions. Flippin hilarious especially RHPS. Enjoy my luvvlies (don't say I never give you anything).

~ Have just watched a sex scene (don't ask its research for the website - honest) and realise that I don't like them. Now don't get me wrong I have no aversion to porn, and may well share my porn shed theory with you all one day but sex scenes in anything other than French films just aren't necessary. I mean we're all grown ups and we all know what they're getting up to and frankly it just makes most of us feel jealous or slightly inadequate (or in worst cases, both). It just serves to remind us that everyone else in the world is having sex, when in fact they're not - and like us they'd rather be in their jim jams watching Midsomer and drinking horlicks! Am I wrong?

Bernard Pivot questions

Made famous by James Lipton of The Actors Studio, here are the famous 10 questions and my would be answers:

What is your favorite word? Gusset
What is your least favorite word? Hate
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? An engaging book or piece of music, people with a passion for something
Whats your favorite curse word? Bollocks!
What sound or noise do you love? The ocean, crickets, bird song, bacon grilling
What sound or noise do you hate? Screaming 4 year old girls.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Oooh so many writer, event manager, wedding co-ordinator, criminal profiler
What profession would you not like to do? Nursery assistant
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? VIP club is just through here, have some champagne and George Clooney is waiting for you....