Comfy Pants Production Co

Jools is recovering from another ’hedging’

2007-08-23T21:50:00.000+01:00

11 Aug 2007

damn bloody things - I swear they're ganging up on me since I took one of their own 'out' recently.
I mean it's damn unfair ganging up on an innocent but rather merry bystander, who happens upon a shortcut on her way home from a work's do

I mean what sort of malicious hedge looks upon a small, slightly inebriated, individual and decides to send them backwards down a small slope on their hands and knees to be greeted by a large thud as said individual hits the bottom of the bank and attempts to disentangle herself from the hedgerow.

That's the world today folks - damn dangerous, with evil hedgerows hell bent on causing as much damage as possible to wellie wearing wenches.

Hurumph!

Lube Olympics, ladybirds and God Spunk

2007-08-22T21:50:00.000+01:00

09 Aug 2007

OK I'm finally going to attempt to explain (ish) the events of a night in Cardiff several weeks ago. I make no apologies that most of this is going to come across as one of those 'you had to be there' moments, but it might put some of your thoughts to rest (not fears you note as believe me, fear for my sanity will increase 10 fold by the end of this).

So from my dim and distant memory, this is what I think may have happened (Baggie & Moth - please feel free to correct).

Ok so when attempting to do an impression of the children of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, Moth and I got into a discussion about clouds and I began a little bit of a monologue about how God must form them, but he probably waits until Sunday and of course he's a bit bored by then, so when blokes are bored they err...'knock one out', hence clouds are great big blobby bits of God Spunk and when it rains we're being blessed with God's jizz raining down on us!

On arrival at the pub and after several beverages I attempted to impress everyone with my lube olympics impression. Baggie had already seen it so she's best left to explain. But imagine me, if you will demonstrating the best ways to throw yourselves into a sexual act, whilst lubed up..so we had the entrance, the lower, the hang on for dear life and the dismount, followed by the 10.0 scores for executing all of this from a starting position of the top of the wardobe (imagine Jools with arms and legs flailing in all directions).

I can't remember exactly how this led onto ladybirds but it was along the lines of, trying to execute any of these movements without falling off is akin to a woman trying to piss on a ladybird - i.e. a bit on the difficult side!
This then led onto a conversation about how ladybird's deserve it as they always piss on us and then fuck off and what sort of pants ladybirds wear.
Of course being the boffin I am I pointed out to everyone that ladybirds already have pants on, that's the little black and red bits - very boudoir bombshell you see.

Oh yeh and something about volvos and vulva's which I think was a classic spoonerism on my part that then went completely wonky and certainly gained the boys' interest when I said I'd had more experience of vulva's the volvo's.

So there you go - still mad, still drinking, still single - can you believe it??

Hi ho Hi ho

2007-08-20T18:00:00.000+01:00

03 Aug 2007

So during the day I have to be all sensible and I spend my whole time keeping hormonal women apart. Honestly it's all women ever do in a work based scenario, they just want to bitch at each other and blame it on their hormones.

There's always something to blame it on, they've just split up with their boyfriend, they're discovering their sexuality, they're pregnant or going through the menopause, doesn't matter, any which way you have it - there's going to be tears before bedtime.

I spend my whole time doing some demented Dr Phil impression – 'so tell me, how do you feel about that? And what I'm hearing from you is…..'

I ended up having to go through a mediation meeting because someone wanted the fucking lights on in the office. For fucks sake you only have to work with these people, we're not asking you to make them your life partner, you just have to work out how to share a bloody stapler.

Ricky Gervais is renowned for writing a wonderful sitcom about office politics that centres on bad management and office romances but really offices consist of people slagging one another off cause they've had to share a 4 hole punch and someone's left the paper guide on the wrong setting.

is there anything sadder than.....

2007-08-20T16:00:00.000+01:00

31 Jul 2007

a 30+ female with no hope of forming a loving and sexually liberated relationship, wandering round Ann Summers by herself, sighing dejectedly and wondering if at least the cats would like to play with the tassles?

*Is it really that bad when you start to imagine having pussy rub on your jelly and ice cream?

Loo roll fairies – a fairytale for grown ups

2007-08-20T14:00:00.000+01:00

27 Jul 2007

Once upon a time in an enchanted palace known as the shining city of Priviness lived a small and delicate fairy known to all ass Toiletta the guardian fairy of all water closets.

Toiletta ruled over her kingdom with peace and serenity. She had many lovely female followers who were respectful to her world and abided by the rules of the land and could make a 'hotel point' fold on a loo roll in 5 seconds flat.

For many years Toiletta and her followers were blissfully happy as they went about their daily business and Toiletta enjoyed a peaceful reign for the loo rolls were plentiful and abundant.

Years passed and the inhabitants grew worried as their numbers began to dwindle. Then on one magical night the inhabitants of Priviness found themselves over run with young males intent on helping them with their repopulation.

At first the ladies of Priviness were delighted with their new and interesting consorts and for a while the inhabitants would happily laze about making love, skipping through golden fields and generally getting themselves up the duff.

Then slowly as the rose tint began to tire the original inhabitants realised they weren't perhaps as happy as they once were.

Their previous balanced lifestyle was being upset by an imbalance in nature and force unknown to woman. It happened slowly at first, everyone could feel it but none could figure out why arguments were starting to rumble and remote controls were being thrown.

Finally they decide to seek Toiletta's advice as they were in fear of losing their marital beds.

Toiletta listened patiently to their tales of woe and with years of wisdom, enlightened her followers…

'But of course it is obvious what is happening, these men folk have not respect for the rules of Priviness and mock us with their ways. You can clearly see it..have you not noticed how thy throne seats are always left in an upward position and how thy toilet paper is never replaced on the holder and it is always the woman folk who find the inner tube lolling sadly against the holder'?

A gasp went through the assembled throng as they realised that Toiletta did in fact speak the truth, but what one earth were they to do? They couldn't risk losing their only means of reproduction.

Toiletta did impress upon them the learned ways of Priviness and asked them to educate their men.

So over the coming years the inhabitants of Priviness attempted to educate their men folk with a variety of lectures, demonstrations and the tried and tested technique of nagging on mass. However Toiletta did not account for the serious defect in men that leads to total divviness and an inability to hear the fine acoustics associated with a well timed nag.

The inhabitants of Priviness were furious with their ruler and took revenge in the only way they knew how.

And to this day this is why you will find in many homes, across the land, a small fairy, with a crinoline skirt, resting on top of the toilet with a loo roll shoved up her arse.

Social niceties (a semi return to proper posting)

2007-08-20T12:00:00.000+01:00

25 Jul 2007

I don't know about you but I get seriously pissed off with all these 'social' do's where you have to behave in a proper way.

I'm not talking pissed up night's out with your mates, half a ton of cream cheese and a spatula, nope I'm talking about these social do's where you have to be on your best behaviour – you know they type that your well meaning partner drags you along to in a vain attempt to impress his boss – quite frankly you'd rather be sat on the sofa in your jim jams, an industrial sized slab of dairy milk at your side and that scene from Pride and Prejudice on constant repeat on your big screen telly – but you think what the hell he never takes you anywhere where you can wear a frock and there's always the chance of nicking the guest soaps and having a go old nose around for any sex toys.

So off you toddle trying to look elegant and knowledgeable, whilst unaware that your George at Asda label is sticking out the back of your batwing lurex number, when you get swooped upon by that most annoying of creatures: The social serpent. She swoops in with hair like Magenta de Vine's, pashmina looped elegantly across her shoulders and Manolos you'd give your own eggs for.

'Mwah mwah oh daarrling, who are you and who are you here with?'

You mutter something about oh that bloke in the corner he's my husband

'Oh how lovely so you're a mum, are you running round after little ones all the time?'

'Err no I work actually'

'Oh really so what is it that you do?'

FUCK!

What do you say? You can hardly say actually I'm in a crap menial job with shitty conditions and I spend my day fantasising over pictures of Capt Jack Sparrow.

If you make up some highfalutin job at the Bank of England, you just know that Mrs 'knickers on too tight' will know some bloke called Peregrine who works there and went to school with dear little Johnny and you'll be well and truly rumbled.

So what alternatives do you have?

Well we here at Total Tit Inc have come up with a couple of possibilities to get you out of this venomous trap:

So why not try one of these the next time you get asked – so what do you do?

Children, but I'm not really supposed to talk about it as I've been told I'm not allowed to go out on any more recruitment drives and in actual fact I'm damn surprised I'm able to come along tonight, but those electronic tagging devices aren't quite as robust as you would think.

Oh I'm a sanitary bin removal expert. It's not regular but we do get to eat all the chocolate we could ever want.

The drugs DO work

2007-08-20T10:00:00.000+01:00

14 Jul 2007

bloody amazing, I'm trippin out on lemsip and benilyn - more energy than I've had for weeks...watch out ladybirds I'm a comin for ya.....

*bimbles off to find a ladybird catching net and realises a stocking will probably do...calm down Death it's on me hand like a wee little sock puppet...right, where ya at you freaky little spotty fuckers.....

Ow buggering ow

2007-08-20T08:35:00.000+01:00

10 Jul 2007

Its official - exercise is dangerous for you - don't do it I tell you, don't believe the hype, it's all total bollocks...

Yup once again I have done myself an injury. After attempting a run down one of the various country lanes (well I say run when really I mean a lollop not much faster than one of my bovine audience) I am now the proud owner of a dodgy foot. Could possibly be a ripped tendon but have spent the whole day attempting not to walk anywhere and making staff come to me.

Lil buggers didn't even bother bringing me any grapes - how the hell am I supposed to do my Cleopatra impression?

So once again I am incapacitated and the support bandage has done about as much use as a sports bra (not that I would wear a sports bra on my foot, I'm demented but even I know they go round your ears).

So everyone say..ahhhhhhhh and send me tea and cakes and hot men to make me feel better :)

Oh and I shall blog about pissing on ladybirds etc, however I need to seek informative guidance from the other participants as the facts have yet to be confirmed.
(i.e. I was a bit pissed and can't remember how these conversations came about but am hoping we may be able to piece together the evening).

mwah mwah xx

Pissing on a ladybird......

2007-08-19T08:34:00.000+01:00

Posted 08 Jul 2007

lube olympics, god spunk and vulvas vs volvos (the big debate), just some of the many wondrous things, spoken about at great length until 6.30 this morning...

Upside being, you can't have a hangover if you haven't been to bed!

Love to all - go support the Welsh Comedy Festival, your funny bone needs a good work out.

Biffery bites (again)

2007-08-18T08:33:00.000+01:00

Posted 02 Jul 2007

Really not a good idea to be talking to a learning and development professional and realise you meant to say..ooh yeh the acoustics in here are great', but said 'ooh yeh the autistics in here are great'.

Damn, damn damn my divviness

Also compounded by emancipated and emaciated....fuck it gets worse...mind you at least I didn't whack my head on a car door or fall off a pavement whilst trying to save a friend from walking into a lamppost :)

You know you're really old when....

2007-08-17T08:33:00.000+01:00

Posted 01 Jul 2007

trying to extricate a train ticket from a complicated piece of technilogical equipment 2 kindly young gentlemen come up to assist you by handily pointing out that you need to press the big button on the screen!

Cheeky fuckwits, yes I'm not a complete biffer, I do understand that it's a touch screen and to get it to work I cannily need to touch it!

Its at this point you can hear your inner monologue reciting 'Do you even remember leg warmers, I've had more sherbet dib dabs than you've had hot dinners'.

Yup its official guys, according to the youff of the country, I'm old and in need of help. Ner mind at least I can say 'organic growth' and not just be referring to and then giggling at an erection.

*hee hee

The continuing tales of OCD Boy

2007-08-16T08:32:00.000+01:00

Posted 24 Jun 2007

Now in full from the Russell Howard Show:

Following last week's scintillating adventure amongst the perilous peas of his local supermarket. OCD boy has decided he needs some R&R to calm the chaos and soothe his soul.

Knowing his favourite relaxation technique is to spend time with some of his mates; he quickly whips out his mobile and makes some frantic calls to people who really should have better things to do with their time than attempt to play footie in a small garden in the football challenged town of Swindon.

Fortunately for OCD boy none of his friends lead very exciting lives and before he knows it he has a queue of friends on his doorstep insisting that he provides them with beer and food.

Fearing a riot he quickly escapes to the kitchen to rustle up one of his 'infamous' dinner party recipes. Wrestling with his '101 things to do with sprouts' book he quickly produces the most sumptuous meal known to man.

The amassed hordes of hungry young men tuck into the glorious grub and the riot is quickly averted.

OCD boy can once again rest easily as his superhero powers ensure that all is well in the world again and the game 'top trumps' takes on a whole new meaning as the sun sets over his perfect patio.

A question for the ladyeez

2007-08-15T08:31:00.000+01:00

Posted 21 Jun

Ladyeez with long hair...

When you get yourself all sudssied (sic) up in the shower and you're washing your hair, do you find that rather large amounts of hair gets caught in yer erm...how do I put this delicately...well you know in yer downstairs department?

Everytime I get out of the shower I have to execute a yoga like movement. You know like one of those 'put your leg up on the bath to make matters easier', demonstrations you get on packets of things we haven't actually read the instructions for, for about 20 years. Thus making me look like a total tit in the vain attempt at removing the acreage of hair that's become wedged between me butt cheeks.

Please tell me it isn't just me?

*Obituary - Jools RIP

2007-08-14T08:30:00.000+01:00

Posted 19 Jun 2007

Jools died tragically today after a misfortunate zorbing accident saw her hurtle across Giants causeway and into the sea.

A prolific comedy writer, Jools wrote many of our best loved sitcoms and radio plays and was responsible for the famous 'courgette syndrome' monologues.
Stan up comics across the world sought her wit, wisdom and impressive bosom and her closest friends included Ed Byrne, Brendon Burns and Eddie Izzard.

Described as a lovable rogue and adored by her legion of 'courgettie' fans she is survived by her husband, the actor George Clooney and her cats Fifibooboo and Tallulah Belle.

The memorial service will be held in Jools' favourite wine bar where chocolate hobnobs will be served and her ashes will be made into commemorative egg timers.
Guests are requested to wear appropriate pyjama attire and donations should be sent to the charity,
GAG - helping comics adjust to society since 1878.

*Penned at school today - I got paid to write that! :)

OCD Boy - Superhero extraordinaire (as heard on the Russell Howard Show)

2007-08-13T20:43:00.000+01:00

Posted 17 Jun 07

By night a stand up comedian with a hatred of flip flops but by day, Jon Richardson is transformed into the superhero known as OCD Boy.

A normal day in sleepy Swindon see's our hero doing battle with the chavs amongst the aisles of his local supermarket.

Having finally categorised the frozen peas by their location within the European community, our hero espies a young lady precariously perched on the edge of a freezer compartment.

Fearing for the damsel's dignity as she displays her knickers to the passers by, he sprints down the aisle and comes to a skidding halt by her feet.

Casting his hygiene issues aside he grabs the damsel round the waist and lifts her back onto the floor and into the realm of restored honour.

As the young lady begins to express her undying gratitude for this supremely gentlemanly gesture, OCD boy takes flight before she can attempt to engage him in conversation and unwittingly reveal his superhero weakness.

In a flash our hero boards the nearest 'chav central' bus and returns to his dusty office with only his favourite pet, Reg for company.

Join us next week for more scintillating adventures of OCD boy – the man that dinner parties were made for.

Jools, car, hedges and ditches

2007-08-10T01:52:00.000+01:00

Posted 15 Jun 2007

Oh my lordy, I definitely win for the biggest DIV moment of the week.

*Yes indeedy, guess who ran her car into a verge/ditch this morning!

To be fair I did execute the movement pretty stylishly and the resulting parking (pic to follow) was actually pretty impressive. Although divviness was compounded by the fact that half of my work 'colleagues' drive the same route and were delighted at my use of 'hedge attack' tactics.

Jools - fine but whip lashed
Car (once recovered by 4 burly work colleagues - they were blokes before people get some smart arsed ideas) seems fine
Snails - 6 of the buggers relocated by high speed transportation
Hedge/ditch/verge - Oh dear!

Tea and sympathy please folks as my neck hurts to buggery.

*Yes it was totally my fault! I decided to overtake a slow arsed driver who unbeknownst to me at the time was overtaking a slow arsed cyclist; strangely enough country roads aren't really made to take 3 cars! Although to be fair I've always said the road need to be widened so I like to think I've helped out the council a little bit.

Brought to you by Jools is a Total Tit Inc, for all your mud relocation needs.

Pants

2007-07-13T07:41:00.000+01:00

Posted 11 Jun

I am currently sat here in my pants and bra, waiting for my fake tan to dry and slowly turn me into a day glo traffic cone.
Believe me this is not a good look, but at least for once my underwear matches.

Well not so much matches as co-ordinates..i.e. both bits are black, matching would be a little extreme..I mean they're only work pants after all.
God, hope I don't go anywhere with any chance of pulling, the poor sod's going to be in for a real treat when he see's me in my work best.

So who else is blogging in their pants?

Serendiptiy - Does this count as a fetish post or just a bit sad? ;)

Tagged

2007-07-11T07:40:00.000+01:00

Posted 8 Jun

I've been tagged by the lovely serendipity and as I'm a complete blogger's whore, I thought why the hell not?

"The rules of tagging: Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, or habits about yourself. At the end, you choose 10 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" on their profile and to read your latest blog. Have fun!"

I'm also not going to explain any of my randomness, so feel free to ask away in the comments and I'll do my best to answer truthfully ;)

1.2nd and 3rd toe are longer than the first (sign of creativity apparently)
2. Attended a premiere at Leicester Sq once
3. Once owned a mouse named Sperm and a monster called Fred
4. Never been hospitalised, did however spend an hour in A&E waiting for a nurse on a Saturday night, after burning both my thumbs on candles.
5. I haven't been to the dentist for 16 years, I can open any bottle, beer bottle with my teeth
6. I was once give a bin bag full of porn (at work)
7. I've shot some pretty impressive big guns
8. Have 'done' a photo shoot with Miss Lovely Legs
9. I've been rescued by the coastguard
10. I own a ouija board

Daily Div (DD) moment - Unsucessfully tried to open the key safe by jabbing at it several times before realising I was using the wrong key.

The Daily Div

2007-07-09T07:39:00.000+01:00

Posted 7 Jun

Ok, I think we can all rest assured that my dimness has returned to its normal state. So in celebration of all things a bit thick, I thought we could have our very own 'daily div' corner. Somewhere everyone can confess their divviest moment's during the day, without fear of recrimination and social stigmatism. (Although to be fair, do be prepared to have everyone laught AT you whilst trying to cover their own embarrassment).

So c'mon guys fess up, just what singled you out today (and every day) for being a complete dimwit?

I'll start the ball rolling (at 8am - we've got a long way to go, so this is just the start). Luckily didn't do this in front of an audience but I did attempt to put the teaspoon back in the fridge this morning. Of course if you have fetish for iced spoons, then I'm ya gal! ;)

*Actually maybe I should start a post about fetishes?....................

normal service has been resumed

2007-07-05T07:39:00.000+01:00

Posted 6 Jun

Just in case any of my lovely blogarino's were getting worried that my turning a corner post indicated that the end was nigh for 'Jools is a total tit Inc', you can rest assured that Inc is still very much a growth inductry.

Yup not 24 hours had passed since the enlightenment which was 'correct knickerage' that Total Tit Industries went into overtime on the factory floor.
All I can say folks is that it's always prudent to pay attention when trying to using straigthtening irons and trying to straighten your thumb is likely to result in tears before bedtime and a thumb that looks like it's been auditioning for the part of Rudolph's nose.

Looks like the whole being an adult thing is out the window then...woo hoo, mini milks, sandpits and fuzzy felt for me.

Turning a corner

2007-07-02T07:38:00.000+01:00

Posted 4 Jun

Regular subscribers to the blog will know that on occasion *ahem* I have been known to have difficulties with various objects/people/life in general.
In fact here at Jools Inc we've even trademarked the Jools is a total tit series.

However folks I'm delighted to say that today it seems as though we may have finally turned a corner on this! Yep at the grand age of 32 I actually managed to NOT put my knickers on sideways this morning.
There was a slight wobbly moment when I had put my foot into the wrong bit of my pants which would've resulted in sidewaysage, but nope I spotted my rookie mistake and took preventative action!

I am so chuffed, I finally feel I'm on the upward curve to becoming a fully functioning responsible adult (no one mention the ash blonde pubes...ok!).

Loads of Kudos to me I feel.

*We're not of course going to mention the fact that I dropped my mp3 player in the bath the other day. Which surprisingly didn't result in electrocution but did result in a whole heap of songs which now go...glug glug glug...where's my rubber duckie...splish splash......which as you can imagine Messrs Hetfield, Rose and Vedder are not best pleased about.

Snogging a tuna with Flash Gordon watching on - Porn? You decide.

2007-06-30T20:52:00.000+01:00

Posted 29th May

Ok so finally got round to watching Brokeback Mountain the other night (yes I blubbed like the great big girly that I am) and is it me or it incredibly hot watching 2 blokes snogging?
I mean gawd almighty I had to change the sheets! Ok so I know some of you will be saying its just cause I'm not getting any but honestly I'm happy with that.
I'll admit me and the device went through a bit of a rough patch recently, she went all stroppy on me due to being consigned to my 'lady drawer' and then I got a bit mardy with her when she short circuited and nearly burnt me pubes off, but we're working through these things.

Actually being single is pretty damn fantastic but I do miss the snogging and don't feel I'm able to enter into the bad boy debate.
You know, do girls really want bad boys....

Personally I think we want a bad boy who can masquerade as a good guy in front of our mum's. You know, the type that will spending ages putting up your wardrobe for you before banging you up against it...oh yeh and as we know tattoos and leather trousers wouldn't go amiss ;)

Anyway got chatting to someone a few weeks ago about what we reckon the sexiest film is. He offered up Flash Gordon, which despite the homoerotic undertones (he's straight) I could kind of see where he's going.

So blogarino's - what is the sexiest film out there? Suggestions please, the more bizarre the better (porn doesn't count, that's a whole different porn shed ball game).
Anybody quoting the following will of course get twatted with a tuna for being too obvious:
Last tango in Paris, 9 and a half weeks, Secretary, Sex, lies and videotape oh and a couple of other ones which are fairly obvious and of course anything French.

Go on my little munchkins give us your suggestions (with reasons if you dare), might even give a prize to the most amusing or bizarre.

Oh and welcome to new subscribers, as always please make yourself at home, partake in a hobnob or 2, but leave the place tidy...I'd have pimped me blog out ages ago if I knew I was going to get this kind of response..so thanks and err I apologise profusely to new peeps for the amount of rubbish they're about to get coming their way..the rest of you... Well you're kind of used to it by now ain't ya's :)

Squeezles

Awoooohhh Noooooooo (ack fuck it)

2007-06-28T20:51:00.000+01:00

Posted 22nd May

As many of you know I have a couple of unhealthy obsessions that I feel the need to rant about with alarming regularity on this here blogette (like a bonkette, but unfortunately a lot less cuddling)

Number one being the toilet habits of the reserved English classes (people, not hordes of schoolchildren reciting, 'the cat sat on the mat') and number two being my downward spiral into the depths of old age.

So it is the latter of my mini obsessions (also realised recently that I have a real phobia towards book molestation, seriously don't get me started, it brings me out in a rash) that I wanted to bang on about again.

We've already spoken at length about the wiry pube like grey hairs that stick out of the top of my noggin, making me look like an old English sheepdog. But we have a new and very startling revelation......

one I can hardly bring myself to share with you guys........

fuck....deep breathe....we're all friends here (and of course all my subscribers are lovely and wouldn't dare take the piss - would YOU?)

Shit....this is actually all quite traumatic for me....I discovered my first grey pube this morning!

Bollocks this does not bode well for any future rendezvous with male personages! I mean I can just about get the demented badger look under control, with the help of Mr Clairol and co (and they fucking lie I can tell you...permanent dye my arse - well you know what I mean, I don't actually want to dye my arse, cause that would just be silly) but now I have to start worrying about me ladybits as well.
Its not enough that my body is sprouting hair like a damned chia pet, but when it does sprout all over, it's now appearing in a decidedly dodgy hue which I will be referring to as 'ash blonde' from now on in.

For pity's sake, what else is there for me on the slippery downward slope.... thermal slippers, little blue pills and hemorrhoids.....can't wait.

Enjoys your day's folks I'm off to get me some primrose oil :)

Too old for this.....

2007-06-26T20:51:00.000+01:00

Posted 13th May

I am way too old to be wandering round Cardiff at some bizarre hour in the morning and then get semi lost and detoured on the way home, meaning I didn't get home til 4am at which point its hardly worth bothering going to bed! - so I haven't. I have poo pooed the sleep option and have gone with the tried and tested 'tea' technique.

Unfortunately there's no hob nobs in the house and the land of wellies is still asleep, so I'm functioning on too much coke (drink), not enough food, slightly worn out feet and the grateful realisation that I am not and will never be a hen night victim.

Hugs and sherbert dib dabs all over y'all
(new readers should take some time to read the blog archive BEFORE making judgements on blogger's ability to systematically entertain mucho squirrels in her noggin - which to be fair I can do with style and dexterity on a number of occasions).

*Bimbles off to see if someone really does still sell milk tray...dah dah da da da dah....... (that's the theme tune to the milk tray man, folks, sing it like you mean it!).

Random Ramblings - Update

2007-06-23T20:49:00.000+01:00

Posted 6th May

Oops for those that missed the random rambling daily bulletins that made up most of March - you can now catch up - aren't you the lucky ones!

There's something quintessentially English about the way we go to the toilet in this country. In particular the way we go when we're hemmed in at gigs or overcrowded clubs. There's this common understanding about the order of things.

First we have to do the standing squeeze and shuffle, where you become a Ricky Martin impressionist as you lambada yourself towards the loo, always located at the furthest geographical point from your current position. Of course we all still do that polite English 'excuse me' thing as we're rubbing our groins against complete strangers as we wade through the throng.

Then there's the etiquette of passing places. You know those little stop gaps on route similar to hobbit holes
– do you plough on through totally ignoring the hobbit hole, hoping for the best
– do you make a bolt for it, letting the other person pass in the process
– or do you do the hesitation thing waiting for someone else to make a decision and doing the wavery head motion.

We follow this with the right/left shimmy where you try to do the passing thing but end up doing the 2 step with your newest friend (all without making eye contact of course, we are English after all).

Then comes the queuing – oh yes this is where the British absolutely excel.

Ladies are particularly brilliant at this but we also get particularly pissed off at this point. We're patiently lining up and all the men seem to have some sort of tardis thing going on. For every 10 men that go into the loo only 2 come back out and then when they do emerge they've got that supercilious smug look on their face which says 'I've just had 3 pisses whilst you're stood here turning blue from practising your pelvic floor exercises'.

I seriously think men must have some futuristic piss extraction machine in the middle of the urinals.

I know there are some subtle differences between male and female urination but believe me, when you're pissed up, wearing a summer skirt and no knickers, you'd give any man a run for his money.

But Christ you guys have mastered the art of speed pissing.

I've been stood a queue for the ladies and no quicker have I said to the girl standing next to me 'oh dear never mind I'm sure it'll be ok but, yes he really is a utter bastard, tell me all about it, is that the fucker over there and by the way where did you get that lovely lipstick from' than one of you fuckers has been in and out of the loo already.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Shopping in a US supermarket must go something like this: Dum de dum ooh look bourbon's on special offer that's me drinking sorted for this afternoon, ooh macaroni cheese, just need to add some chilli and reconstituted ham to it and that's me getting my 4 food groups, oh yeh and I'll just pick up this 16 gauge shotgun whilst I'm at it. Hang on though if I buy the accompanying bullets I get double points which I can spend on a gun wound dressing of my choice. I'll have me some of that.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Living on your own is truly fantastic. There's no need to wax, you can hog the remote and the Quality Street and you don't need to play 'Bathroom bolt'. When you realise you've left all your clothes in your bedroom and you've only got a hand towel in the bathroom. So you make a mad dash across the landing with a loofah hiding your unmentionables.

Living on your own also means that the fridge contents are all yours, to do with what you want, which to be fair, normally means everything goes mouldy and you end up being the sole milk sniffer in the household. But them's the breaks.

Wellied Wonder wanders of to Londinium

2007-06-21T20:48:00.000+01:00

Posted 6th May

I know I should blog about the wellied wonder pounding the streets of Londinium, but a sense of embarrasment and bewilderment are stopping me from fully divulging all of yesterday's events, so in quick summary - some of the surrealism of yesterday:

Coaches nearly missed but caught by skin of teeth (not wonky or brace encased) = 1
Miles of area around Victoria pounded to not locate an internet cafe = 3 but feels about 3000
Numbers of friend's who got lost looking for Sainsbury's when its opposite them, straing them in the face = 1
Number of times banged head against internet cafe wall trying not to laugh out loud = countless
Amount of tea consumed = not enough
Amount of actors who walked from their play to come and introduce themselves to me = 1
Amount of mooners met, squeezed and on way to sozzling = 1 (Emma, love ya babes)
Percentage of assembled mass who got off the tube in the wrong place, not once but twice = about 70%
Glasses of rosé consumed = 1 (v large)
Amount of assembled mass who were stupidly awake at 5am and writing superhero posts whilst eating a lonely breakfast = 1 (sad ole me).

Londinium in a nutshell - bit cold, started to warm up, frienships renewed and formed, much giggling and knackerage. Do it all again next week guys? ;)

Love y'all - curry all over ya.

Kebabs, ear wax and MOOB's

2007-06-20T22:00:00.000+01:00

Posted 4th May

Continuing to grow old – Once you're in your 30's it takes an inordinately long amount of time in the morning for your face to fall into place. You spend all your money on industrial size pots of oil of Olay in a vain attempt to smooth out the wrinkles, which has all the effect of trying to decrinkle a crinkle shirt.

You never have to worry about moisturiser in your 20's, the closet you get to moisturiser is when one of your well meaning but inevitably drunk mates pushes a kebab loaded with garlic mayo into your face, hopefully having removed the chilli sauce first.

The other thing that tends to happen is that your ear wax takes on a mini manufacturing role within your body. What was once produced in small amounts in a kind of lakeside, local tea shop, Auntie's homemade scone way has now been taken over by Richard Branson and is a huge factory style deal, complete with mini wax workers who are hell bent on collecting their productivity bonus at the end of each week.

Apparently my local college has cottoned onto this new cottage industry and is running 'ear candling' courses. Where you can do something with hops with your friends and families, I can only assume that this will entail holding your loved ones close to the fireplace so you can drain their ear wax and mould it into amusing shaped candles.

Mind you it could be worse as they're also offering know your soil and empower your breasts. Both courses available to both sexes, so any men currently sporting MOOBs why not exploit the power within you and discover your feminine identity with a well fitted bra. (Not sure about discovering your feminine identity but you'll certainly discover your inner transvestism and who your real friends are).

Bollocks and bum!

2007-06-19T22:02:00.000+01:00

Posted 3rd May

Ok so something has gone seriously screwy this week. The week started on my usual high on Monday (I do love my weekends) followed by the crap that is my tutor on Tuesday. (yeh and before anyone jumps to it, not my special needs tutor! - I see her on Fridays :)) Wednesday turned to shit cause it consisted on going to Adsa (yeh I know spit, pikey blah blah capitalism) to make a certain purchase to find it sold out, then purchasing said item at a substantially higher amount to realise it doesn't do what its supposed to do, then getting into a rather laborious heated exchange with 'John' from Orange (trust me to pick the first day numpty) topped off by being a complete flid and locking my bank pin number. AArrghhhhhhh.

Today has fared little better as I upset someone (who I don't mean to) and have been having a rant since, am also in fear of losing my marbles (no hope there) and my Saturday night drinking buddies. Was also told on Saturday past that I have wonky eyes! This from someone who could pick up Radio Mongolia with the amount of metal chomping round their molars!

Welcome to new blog subscribers – er Hi J Make yourselves at home, please feel free to partake in hobnobbing but please remember to hoover up the crumbs. All welcome – well apart from sharks and ventriloquist dummy's – cause they're a bit icky.

Wine goggles and a propensity for support undies

2007-06-17T11:57:00.000+01:00

Posted 28 Apr

Prostitutes have got it right – getting paid for sex. Us singlies are totally going about sex in the wrong way, for starters the cash layout begins way before an actual date. First you've got all that preparation crap to try and pull a bloke, like damned foundation underwear. I prefer the all over body hugger which mean the rolls of fat from your bosom to your thighs are all subtly squished together to give an illusion of oneness. The only side effect being that your bosom is now giving you a double chin and your kneecaps look like they've been the healthy recipient of left over liposuction fat.

The there's the ton of make up that would make a cabin crew member recoil in horror and that's just the male ones and of course the countless amounts of furtive phone calls in toilets to ring your coupled up mates for advice on how to pull. This is a pointless exercise as these guys have been shacked up together for years and the last thing they pulled is a lower leg ligament trying to fill Mr Tiddles' litter tray.

Then when you do get a date the process just continues from there…out goes the support underwear and in come the frillies, all wires, balconies and blatant lies…not so much enhancing cleavage as creating.

Then you have to go with his choice of film, cause everything you've ever read has told you that men like their women to be subservient and submissive. So you go and watch a horror film, where he believes you really must need your eyes tested as you seem to have spent the entire film studying your drinks container rather intently.

You have to pretend to laugh at all his jokes and pretend to want to go halves on the bills. Guys – we don't. We may be up for equal opportunities but that doesn't apply to paying for things, when it comes to this we're still complete tight wads.

Then you have to fib your way through the entire sex thing..'Oh you're so big, you're so amazing, I've never had anyone make me feel like this before'.

Finally you're left in the morning trying to think of excuses to get him out of your bed, house and as your wine goggles snap sharply back into place, probably your life.

So prostitute's have got it right - they've never had to fib their way through sex, remember their name or make them a cup of tea in the morning!

Jools, car, hedges and ditches

2007-06-15T16:14:00.001+01:00

PROPER LIVE POST - AS IN THIS HAPPENED THIS MORNING!

Oh my lordy, I definitely win for the biggest DIV moment of the week.

*Yes indeedy, guess who ran her car into a verge/ditch this morning!

To be fair I did execute the movement pretty stylishly and the resulting parking (pic to follow) was actually pretty impressive. Although divviness was compounded by the fact that half of my work 'colleagues' drive the same route and were delighted at my use of 'hedge attack' tactics.

Jools - fine but whip lashed
Car (once recovered by 4 burly work colleagues - they were blokes before people get some smart arsed ideas) seems fine
Snails - 6 of the buggers relocated by high speed transportation
Hedge/ditch/verge - Oh dear!

Tea and sympathy please folks as my neck hurts to buggery.

*Yes it was totally my fault! I decided to overtake a slow arsed driver who unbeknownst to me at the time was overtaking a slow arsed cyclist; strangely enough country roads aren't really made to take 3 cars! Although to be fair I've always said the road need to be widened so I like to think I've helped out the council a little bit.

Brought to you by Jools is a Total Tit Inc, for all your mud relocation needs.

Wellies, wife swapping and kumquats

2007-06-14T22:24:00.000+01:00

Posted 25 Apr

I love living in the country, land of tractors, wellies and wife swapping.
It's great - the local town hall puts on courses to keep us amused, including needlepoint, cow tipping for beginners and a little light BDSM.

No need to worry about the practicalities though, as Majorie from the WI will nip round to tidy up the equipment, offer half time refreshments and proceed to tell everyone in the post office queue about your special birth mark and what exactly you were trying to do with that kumquat.

The local college has decided not to be outdone and is offering the following courses: get to know your soil, pole dancing and empower your breasts – 'unleash your feminine identity with a well fitted bra'.

Do you know what? I couldn't really give a stuff about unleashing anything, as quite frankly my norks need to be bound to my chest by way of a straight jacket to ensure I don't knock people sideways. Who the bloody hell is bothered about a well fitting bra – it's always the first thing to come off! Via the armpit and employing advanced yoga techniques of course.

Seriously guys, you know when you have those 'special' lessons at school when the boys and girls are separated. We assume you're being told about the best wanking position and how to order a pimms without looking gay and you reckon we're learning all about periods and ladybits. Nope we're being taught the age old method of through the armpit bra removal followed by the 'get what you want through nagging' technique.

What am I like?????

2007-06-13T06:50:00.000+01:00

Posted 23 Apr

I am so distracted at the moment it is seriously not true!

In the last week I've done the following:
Left conditioner on my hair
Had a bath with the sole intention of shaving my legs and promptly not shaved my legs, necessitating the need for a subsequent shower
Tried to lock my car using the office keys
Forgot to inform our MD that I'd arranged PA cover for him, resulting in a pissed of MD and a PA waiting for him outside a locked office

Seriously I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment (and no before you leap to conclusions I've not been hitting the bottle!).

I swear that the pink candy floss that inhabits my brain is involved in some sort of WWE smackdown with the sensible parts of my noggin. Currently pinning it to the floor, sitting on it's pathetically weedy chest shouting 'Yeh...you is my biatch now' as it desperately tries to escape out of one of my ear canals.

Bloody toilets again....(I'm obsessed, its official)

2007-06-12T07:36:00.000+01:00

Posted 21 Apr

I think I smell of hamster piss and I don't own a hamster - this is not a good thing. Well unless you're a fit single bloke who likes the smell of hamster piss, which one would hope is fairly rare.

Also I got home last night to find that the loo seat was up. Some of you may be aware that I house share with a bloke, so this in itself is not an unusual (albeit bloody annoying) occurrence. However, as usual housemate had left the house before me and arrived back at the house after me. So I checked to se if he had returned home during the day, which was confirmed with a nope and accompanying quizzical (she's off her nut again) look.
So how the bloody hell did it manage to get itself into that position?

Do I now have a male ghost in my house who is determined to leave the loo seat up, piss all over the floor and jizz across my best catalogues?

Londinium calling

2007-06-11T07:12:00.000+01:00

Posted 19 Apr

Yup, up in the smoke I was yesterday for a worky type thingy...anyhoo highlights of the day was seeing a nun on the back of one of those porter trolley things, being given a pig, a sponge and a tree (which had a pube in it), getting disgruntled looks from fellow tubers when my friend had a total 'blonde' moment involving Barney the dinosaur and spending the resulting 5 mins in fits of laughter oh and getting 'attached' to another lady on the tube. Resulting in the best stereo exclamation of 'Oo' I've heard in a long time.

Ed Byrne reckons the best way to communicate with other tubers is to use your ipod as an ice breaker. Sorry Ed you're wrong (and a flithy slutbucket to boot, but we won't go there) the best way, is to secretly lace your rucksack straps through someone else's and they try to go in opposite directions. Fabtastic fun for all in an overcrowded, hot and stuffy carriage!

I also had an incident with my cheek and pak choi juice - but I think we'll leave that right there! (Mind you at least I can identify pak choi and don't think its cabbage or similiar).

Oh and huge thanks to the myspacer who posed a serious question to me this week - I so seriously nearly wee'd (sic) myself, its actually quite worrying and has me searching for 'feminine aids'.

Cause I love disappointing boys (lapdancing) & podcast?

2007-06-09T09:40:00.000+01:00

Posted 17 Apr

Ok for me male readership...as promised lapdancing with only the kind of spin Jools can put on it!

I've come to the conclusion that lap dancing must've originated in comedy clubs or dinner theatre venues. Comedy clubs are not the natural habitat for the normally reserved English classes. We're quite good at the queuing, I'll give you that, but then we find ourselves doing the seat shuffle all night cause no one wants to take the 'firing line' seat at the front. There should be some sort of points or drinks system for these kind of gigs.

Firstly, the poor late bastard who does end up in the firing line should get a huge round of applause and free drinks all night for sheer bravery. The rest of us, whilst waiting for the latecomer to arrive will have to satisfy ourselves with musical chairs. Ensuring that at no point does any part of our body make contact with any strangers, even if this means someone's going to have to read the rules of twister before they can extract us from our seats.

We could attempt the newest fitness craze for the over 30'er – the bar obstacle course, as you once again struggle to the bar ensuring you make no physical contact with another human, resulting in a rather strange interpretive dance which has you alternating between the moves to YMCA, Saturday Night Fever and attempting to limbo under a barman's legs. (Hey it passes for modern dance in some arts fesitvals you know).

You get to take a drink of beer or wine if you make it to the bar and back, if you make it to the loo's and back then you get to drink a shot and if you manage to do both without landing in someone else's lap or standing on someone's foot then you have to down all your drinks.

*personally I think there should also be a high scoring round if you manage to get a comedian to give you a 'terrified' look - but maybe that's just me? ;)

**Ooh podcats? For those that missed/ignored *ahem* the bulletin, I used to do podcasts, then I didn't, the sun's been out so maybe I'll do another one again. Do you want IT? You might even get a namecheck (woo hoo infamy at last - not necesairly a good thing, people start calling you slut and all sorts).

Minty pacers to all of ya!

Sorry my music choice just said 'nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs'! Funkeeehhhh

and she's off about toilets, again....

2007-06-08T08:30:00.000+01:00

Posted 14 Apr

Carrying on from toilet tardis I thought I better just continue with my education of the men folk and explain in a little more depth about what women actually get up to in the toilets.

First picture the scene:

You're in a trendy nightclub surrounded by gorgeous females (trust me on this, they're all gorgeous cause you've just downed 8 pints of lager), anyway you spot that all the women are making 'evil eyes' at each other as they boogle themselves into oblivion. Invariably at some point in the evening 2 or more of them will make the difficult ascent towards the loos.

Once within the safe toilety haven a complete metamorphosis occurs:

First, most of the glaring ceases as women drape themselves casually against a wall, sink or willing victim

Then we strike up a conversation with anyone who'll listen, which normally consists of:

Gawd there's always a damn queue isn't there
Ooh I like your top, where'd you get it
And ooh what's that bint over there having a rant about?

This continues until we make it into a cubicle, upon which we discover one or all of the following:

No loo roll
Broken lock
No loo seat
Floor that resembles Lake Michigan

At this point we hover over the loo seat, precariously perched with a foot on the door, as we holler out 'anyone got any loo roll?'. Dependent on the floor in question this is either passed under the loos (this is the usual etiquette) upon which we comment on our cubicle buddy's shoes, or occasionally we opt for the overhead lob.

The broken door dilemma is just one of the reasons we take our mates with us. Similar to meerkats we operate a 'look out' system, where a mate is placed outside the door to act as a door stop and also to protect us from any would be predators *see previous comment about ranting bints.

Of course posher toilets never have all of these problems, but I've yet to find one that doesn't suffer from one of them. The problem with posher loos is that they put the toilet further away from the door, which is a logistical nightmare if you are sans friend. Imagine if you will a woman try to invoke a < shape whilst directing her pee backwards. Near on impossible to emerge without looking like a tie dyed hippy.

Total Tit - Dramatic encore

2007-06-02T00:12:00.000+01:00

Posted 14 Apr

Advice for not making a total tit of yourself – part 3 (or whatever – I've lost count there's so many).

Tis not advisable to go on a German school exchange as an impressionable 15 year old and embarrass yourself in ways that you will still recall when you're in your 30's.

Such as dumping your boyfriend and letting your greedy German pen pal get her mitts into him, thus spending the entire trip scowling at people (which indeed helps with the goth look you've recently adopted, but helps with little else). Wailing at anyone who will listen and drinking way too much beer (which you don't like anyway) and spectacularly fall out of a tree house in a drunken stupor.

It's also not advisable to wake up in a German household with a monster of a hangover, especially when your pen pal's, 3 older and cuter brothers have all dropped by to say Hi and are proffering plates of cheese and ham.

Finally it really isn't a good idea to agree to go swimming whilst still nursing a hangover and not knowing the German for either 'paracetamol' or 'kill me now' and subsequently throwing your guts up into the nearest bin in the pool reception.

This is not a good way to improve British/German relations – for pity's sake they lost the war, they don't really need some British bint barfing into a bin.

*Unfortunately by no means the last in the Jools is a Total tit series

Enhanced drunken jim jams it is then

2007-06-01T21:00:00.000+01:00

Posted 13 Apr

OK, so just for my lovely subscribers, I bring you drunken jim jams (you are all going to be SOOO disappointed now as I rather feel we pimped it up a bit too much)

Is it ALWAYS wrong to be in your 30's and still drink an entire bottle of lemon schnapps and throw up down your jim jams?
Cause we never wear anything but jim jams now. They suddenly become the uniform of choice for the semi alcoholic 30 year old. Gone are they days of throwing up in the gutter, on someone else, or down your best batwing fluorescent jumper, nope hit your 30's and you just don't go outside any more. Quite frankly, what's the point you're only going to be harassed by hoodied youffs shouting obscenities about your zimmer frame and all the drinks are bloody expensive. Why go to the expense of going out and buying a jack daniels and coke when you can buy a bottle of Liebfraumilch for a fiver and stay in watching Top Gear.

And what about the serving suggestions they put on bottles of wine. I don't mean the serving suggestions ' this goes nice with chicken or fish' those sorts of one, cause lets face it all we really want is one that says goes very well with kebabs, but I think the lager industry has cornered the market on that one.

No I mean the size servings they suggest. On a standard bottle of wine they reckon you can get 6 glasses out of it. 6! 6! – What sort of Lilliputian fantasy world are these guys living in? I don't know about you but I'm lucky if I get 3 glasses out of a bottle and to be fair I'm lucky if the wine even makes it into a glass.

Now they've also come up with wine stoppers, you know to 'store' your wine so it doesn't go off! Christ that's never going to happen, my white wine is lucky if it even sees the fridge before its consumed. I don't have a cellar, why the fuck would I need a device to store wine.

Of course the problem with living on your own is you have no guage of how drunk you actually are. Yes you've got a ready meal for 1 and the cats for company but that's about it.

Stairs do help with establishing the level of drunkenness but if you live in a studio flat or a bungalow you're totally bollocked. You tend to be ok until you attempt to go for a piss and then suddenly the sofa seems to be a very long way from the floor. Of course its not at this point that your body goes into puke spasms..oh no its at 3 am, you've been asleep for a couple of hours when your body suddenly jerks you awake and you realise that
a) you've drunk an entire bottle of walnut liquer and you have a intolerance to nuts,
b) you're spreadeagled like a beslippered starfish across your rather cold and hard laminate flooring and
c) you're really not going to make it to the loo or even sink in time to chuck up last night's kebab.

And really puke is bloody difficult to get out of flannelette. Maybe that's what we need for the next series of the 'You've got a crap idea' or Dragon's Den or whatever it's called – the first set of puke resistant pyjamas.

Space Dust Blow Job*

2007-05-31T21:00:00.000+01:00

Posted 7 Apr

I do think that women who grew up in the 80's must've been a bit disappointed when it came to their first blow job. We've been brought up on Rice Krispies and Space Dust and quite frankly we expected a bit more from putting something in our mouths. They rarely snapped and never crackled or popped – quite frankly I felt a bit ripped off. If I'm going to put something in my mouth, it might as well do some sort of trick whilst its in there or at least attempt an impression of a sherbet dip dab.

*There's going to be some very disappointed punters who came looking for a sex blog - sorry but the jim jams posts are just as interesting, honest!

Updating

2007-05-30T20:31:00.000+01:00

Ok so even though I'm decamped in myspaz, I thought I'd double post some of the witterings in case any of you are missing me...btw I am still reading all the blogs I'm subscribed too but just don't have the time to comment, so please don't think I'm ignoring you my little darlins..I love you all still, muchly.

Anyway so updates coming in the order I posted them on spazzer (apologies to any subscribers but there's going to be shedloads over the next few days...)

Posted 1 Apr
Why do barmen insist on showing you their arses when they're coming over to clear glasses? They make this big show of doing a 360 degree spin as they nonchalantly sashay over and then go, 'oh I must've forgotten something on that table there, let me just do a slow spin round to retrieve it'. Then when they finally walk away they hold the pint glasses just at the right height behind them so the glasses are magnifying their arses to perfection.
Fair enough for the gay ones, but what on earth do the straight ones think they're doing?

Women really aren't interested in arses. The only interest we have in them is asking guys if ours are too big.

It doesn't matter how you respond to this question, face it guys you are ALWAYS going to be wrong. Even a sincere and heartfelt 'but your arse is so tiny in those very flattering 80's style ski pants' will be met with a snort of disbelief and then you'll be spending the rest of the afternoon as chief handbag carrier as we deliberately spend an eon in the changing room having first spotted half of your rugby club heading towards you.

The only way to get out of that question hell is to try and deflect it by doing something completely spontaneous and uncharacteristic. Like taking us out to dinner, listening to an entire conversation or learning the location of the clitoris.

Decamped

2007-04-14T22:30:00.000+01:00

Ok so I have fairly permanently decamped to munterspace (linky in the right bar somewhere near the bottom). I know, I know, I never thought I'd be a munter either, but it's bloody addictive and actually a damn site easier than blogger and doesn't eat my posts!

So shenanigans are over on myspaz, including double trouble with 2 comedians this time - oh yes I've only been and done it again, must learn to keep me gob shut.

I categorically refute the fact that I am a slutty freakboat! :)

See you over there folks. :)

Bloglines ate my gerbil

2007-04-04T22:13:00.000+01:00

Ok well not my gerbil but they have eaten any beta blogs, which means I'm way behind on my reading. Thinking of ditching this place as I'm double posting over on munterland as well and find it difficult to keep up with all the split personalities.

So if I disappear in a couple of weeks, you'll know where I've gone...

toodles
X J

Unidentified pants contents

2007-04-03T08:17:00.000+01:00

(and no it's not a penis!)

Ok so following on from the mascara incident - I discovered, late today, what can only be described as a 'thing' in my pants!
I have NO clue what it was and I'm almost certain it didn't come from me. I can only describe it as a cross between a peanut skin (you know the inner little bronzey coloured husk, not the shell) and a part of cherry, like you'd get in a muffin.

Now I did have a cherry cookie the other day (and yummers it was too) but that was like 3 days ago and I don't generally spend my time shoving cherries down my pants *insert witty/sarky comment here* or indeed have discovered my hidden talent of 'expelling' cherries from my lady bits.

I'm waiting to see what'll appear next.....grape, orange, melon, fruit salad?
Anyone wanna place a bet?

Apologies

2007-03-30T20:00:00.000+01:00

Sorry everyone I've been sucked into that damned munterspace thing and bloglines had gone postal on me! So apologies for not commenting and visiting but bloglines wasn't telling me that people were posting and it suddenly occurred to me..ooh I've not read ole Bob's blog for a while, surely he hasn't actually shut his gob for once? (- no such luck punters - he's still rabbiting on and now I've got to play catch up and read the whole damned lot of it - someone get me a JD and coke...pleaseeeee....)

Anyway April is devoid of any social activities (this is a good thing as me, my car and my wallet are all crippled) so I can spend loads of time catching up wiv stuff before Londoning again.

Ramblings are still going on, over at myspaz, but if you've not been suckered into it...here's another of the random and increasingly odd bits of fluff that's eeked out of my noggin:

Do insects have tongues? If so do you think spiders try and do that thing where they lick all their elbows? And what about bee’s? Do other bee’s go up to them and start licking the black stripes thinking they’re a mint humbug? What exactly is a humbug? I imagine it would be some cute sort of fuzzy bug that rubs it’s legs together to cause a humming sound?

~~~~~If you are a myspazzer, please go comment on my blog - any old bollocks will do I don't care I just want to beat Danny James in popularity (bloody unlikely, but I do have bigger norks than him so surely that should get me some commenters....Bob?)

Random Thoughts - Week Four

2007-03-21T06:44:00.000Z

Why is it when you get older that everything either cracks, aches, droops or falls out? These days I’m like some arthritic alopecia stricken 50 year old llama, they’re about to put down. I mean the hair thing, its never the bastard grey hairs that fall out is it, oh no it’s always the longest, fullest, most amount of dye on it hairs that go hurtling towards the plughole. So you’re still left with the wiry little grey pubes springing out the top of your head, and you can never get the fuckers can you, cause they always shrink away from you the minute you try to pull them out. It’s like those monk’s that can retract their bollocks. The same can be said for my wiry grey hairs, they retract back into my noggin if I as much as look at them with the pluckers glint. And what about the bloody relocation pixies? They come in here in the middle of the night moving my things, leaving me looking like an utter tit in the morning. You go the bed knowing exactly where your pants are, in the pants drawer of course. But oh no come the morning, you’re in a rush to get to work and all of a sudden the pants have disappeared. You’re bimbling round the bedroom, racking your brains as to where they can be secreted. You’re having to run the semi nudity gauntlet in front of your flatmate with just a pyjama top on as you go on some sort of deranged pants treasure hunt. Eventually you give up and think well I might as well have a cup of tea only to open the fridge door to find your pants illuminated in all their glory!

I dread to think what they’ve done with the damn milk!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Being single I have plenty of people giving me suggestions of how I can go about getting myself ‘some’. The most recent being a Valentines, ‘men in a row’ display in a busy part of our town. (They stand in a line, you make a note of theri number then ring the local radio station to see if you can get laid).

Of course I did try suggesting that maybe I’d actually quite like to fancy someone if I want to give them a crack at it and men standing in a row desperate for dates are probably a right bunch of munters, but apparently according to my mother I was just being picky!

However we then came up across the perfect idea for any single young ladyeez out there. We’d make them all wear hoodies over their heads with only the important bits on view. Hey presto hopefully no munters on display.
Of course this would lead to the world’s number one dating show - Guantanamo Bay, Debbie does Detainees.

So Jessica which of these lovely terrorists would you like to shag tonight?
Will she choose number 1 – Achmed - the hunky suspected terrorist who likes nothing better than to set the world alight with his stunning pyrotechnics
Number 2 – Saeed, the 15 year old weakling who has been tortured to within an inch of his life because he smelt a bit marzipany
Or number 3 – Derek, the bloke who looked a bit muslim and got carried along with the crowd as he thought he was going to a Razorlight concert.

Tonight Jessica the choice is yours
'Oh well its so difficult I just don’t know who to choose cause I just love a man with a beard. But on reflection I think I’ll go with Achmed cause I do like a big bang, *giggle*'.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I do feel sorry for men when they have to give a wee sample. For women it’s quite easy as it’s just like holding a bucket under Niagara Falls, so you’re bound to get some of it in the container eventually. However for men it’s like trying to take a sniper shot at someone but they’ve replaced your gun with a bowl of blancmange.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that penises must come with attachments. Most men I know seem to have opted for the watering can attachment, you know the one that sprinkles liberally all over the place. Up the bloody walls, in the carpet, even the cats have learnt not to walk past in their normal nonchalant way when men are having a slash. Little fluffy is shouting to the other cats ‘Hey girls get your rain bonnets out I think we may be experiencing some inclement weather shortly’.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Everyone has people in their office who are always in early desperately showing you up in front of your boss as you try to slink in at 11 o’clock with the hangover from hell and a mouth that feels like its been on a stamp collectors convention.
But you shouldn’t worry about these early fuckers cause they’re not actually up at sparrows fart to impress the boss but have snuck in early to nick all the stationery supplies. Go on check their bags and coats and you’ll find a pile of fucking biros, highlighters and bloody post its. The best way to nick post its is to apply them to you body, no really cause I know post it’s themselves actually defy their name and don’t stick to bugger all but the very last one with the stiffer backing is actually quite sticky. Obviously the smoother the surface the better the adhesive qualities, so for that reason I generally recommend to couples that you let the women nick them. The other great thing to pinch is lever arch files, cause they’re quite a bugger to get out the door at 5 o’clock, but the key to nicking them is to just be totally nonchalant. The theory goes like this, nab a lever arch file from the stationery store at about 4.30, but also make sure you nick some of those fiddly 12 part dividers. Then spend 15 mins printing out rubbish from your pc, doesn’t matter what it is, Tesco shopping bill, Amazon wishlist or porn just as long as you can print some old rot out without anyone seeing. Then make a big old show of stuffing all the paper into the lever arch file. At 5 o’clock walk smartly out of the office ensuring you hold the lever arch file to your chest. For added effect make sure you have a briefcase and if possible a handbag banging against your thighs and really make an effort to look like you’re struggling with all the work you’re taking home. True office professionals can actually pull this off using a box file, which is perfect camouflage for pens, highlighters, stapler, hole punch, biscuit tin, desktop printer anything you can think of really. But I wouldn’t recommend it to an amateur…start with post it body buffing and work your way up.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ok so not exactly inspired in the toilet of the gig this time, but just one of the very random things that occurred to me tonight:

I think sex lubricants and baby oil are a really excellent boon to any relationship.
They certainly add an element of physical dexterity and surprise to any sexual shenanigans.
Women all over the world are busy practising their pelvic floor exercises and running on Stairmasters, just so they can be prepared for oil based bedroom antics.
Cause sitting aside what is basically a greased pole is one hell of a workout.
Its like those R&B shoulders and head, side to side movements.
That's where the whole dance move comes from - hundreds of women desperately trying not to fall off their man.

Then there's the whole dismount debacle. When you try to manoeuvre him into the wet spot. You've basically got 3 moves to consider.
The on top shuffle
the from behind, slide and jiggle
and the missionary pincer movement where you move crab like across the bed.

A seasoned professional (or slapper as we single 30 something’s are known) will of course ensure she leaves her best pelvic tightening moves until she's executed the perfect wet patch position. When she's finally got the guy where she's guaranteed not to encounter any dampness, that's when she does the final flick movement. Followed by the quick gymnast style dismount.
8.6!

In technical circles I've been assured it's known as the
W.I W.I W.O (sounds like a new Sony x box thingy)
WIWIWO - whip it in, whip it out, wipe it off.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

That old chestnut if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it still make a sound?

Of course it bloody does, it goes ‘fucking ow’ like the rest of us. Then goes ‘what did you do that for’ cause lets face it it’s hardly going to fall down of its own accord, it’s going to have been pushed over by some rampant tree gang member with an ASBO tucked under his branch. All the other trees are ganging up and shoving the weaker saplings, taking the piss out the fact they’re only 4ft tall, have no bark and a lack of rings.

This is of course where we first got the expression ‘turf wars’.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Because I’m so kindly, I wanted to bring you another infamous ‘let me be a lesson to you all’ post – designed to help everyone through the trickiest moments in their lives, by carefully NOT repeating any of the dumb ass things I’ve done.

So one of my earliest total tit moments happened when I spent my 16th birthday on one of those action holiday's. You know the type where parents and nutrition are banned and canoeing and tuck shops ruuuuulle.

Because I was 16 and had a ‘proper’ boyfriend at the time this elevated me to a slightly loftier status amongst the 14 year olds sharing my dorm. Being 16 I desperately wanted to impress all the cute 18 year old instructors, so every night, out came the silky black nightie and dressing gown and I would sashay my way down the corridor towards the nearest midnight feast. However the instructors were known for being the spawn of Satan and would wake us up at ungodly hours by running down the corridors banging saucepans.

On the now, infamous ‘staircase’ night they decided it would be an absolute hoot to have a fire alarm drill at 4 in the morning.

Cue me – jumping out of bed in my slinkiest best and bombing towards the very steep spiral staircase. I joined dozens of children exiting the floor, who were doing so in, for once a very calm and controlled manner.
However, ‘Total Titty’ the Lord of embarrassing moments was not smiling kindly on me on that moonlight night – as he whipped my feet from under me and proceeded to ensure I hurtled down the staircase at break neck speed as my silky attire gained momentum on the flagstones.
Imagine if you will a silk encased, slightly precocious teenager careering towards the bottom of 2 flights of stairs taking countless bemused and scared children with her. Uprooting children from standing positions as the force of the ‘silk projectile’ knocks them off their feet and somersaults them into the air.

When they eventually found me, bruised and battered under a heap of children, the static electricity created by the descent into hell ensured I looked like Don King on a particularly bad hair day but it also ensured that for the next 6 months I could switch on a TV by just walking near it – Quite a handy skill to have and one I wished I'd put on my CV.

TM 'Let me be a lesson to you all' brought to you in association with Jools is a total tit Inc.

Blogtastic book

2007-03-17T12:41:00.000Z

It's true!!! Mike went and did it and managed to produce a blogtastic book with your fave bloggers. Go buy it now! I'm not in it, which is more than enough reason to buy it, as it means my drivel isn't cluttering up the pages.

Go on its for charideeee

Shaggy Blog Stories

..Bloggers publish book for Comic Relief.

100 bloggers have published a book to raise funds of the BBC's Comic Relief appeal on Friday 16th March.

'Shaggy Blog Stories' features hilarious contributions from Richard Herring of 'Fist of Fun' fame, BBC 6Music presenter Andrew Collins, comedian Emma Kennedy, and James Henry, scriptwriter from Channel Four's 'The Green Wing'.

Authors Abby Lee, David Belbin, Catherine Sanderson and The Guardian's Anna Pickard have also contributed pieces to the book.

The vast majority of contributions, however, are the work of many of the lesser known and unfamiliar heroes of British blogging; going under pen names such as Diamond Geezer, Scaryduck, Pandemian and Unreliable Witness.

The book is the idea of blogger Mike Atkinson who writes the 'Troubled Diva' weblog. 'Shaggy Blog Stories' features comic writing from not only the cream of British blogging, but also the best up-and-coming and undiscovered writers publishing their work on their own websites.

Giving himself a "ridiculously short" seven days from idea to finished product, Atkinson admitted that he was overwhelmed with the response, which gleaned over 300 submissions for publication.

With a pool of talented writers, and the latest publishing-on-demand technology, Shaggy Blog Stories bypasses the usual snail-paced publishing industry, and offers a mail order service to customers who will receive their finished copy within days of placing their order, and only a couple of weeks after the original idea.

"Blogging creates complex, worldwide networks of friendship and contacts on the internet", says journalist Alistair Coleman, one of Shaggy Blog Stories' contributors. "By creating a buzz about this book, we can reach out to hundreds, thousands of readers who'd be willing to part with a few quid for this very good cause. Mike's got some excellent writers on board here whose work deserves a wider audience. Everybody wins."

For details of how to order the book, visit www.shaggyblogstories.co.uk.

For the background story on the creation of Shaggy Blog Stories, take a look at www.troubled-diva.com.

The wilds of Leics do it to me again...

2007-03-12T14:33:00.000Z

http://www.flickr.com/photos/toniblay/66195368/

Ok so regular readers of the blog know I have a somewhat strained relationship with the byways and highways of the parental homestead. So following on from the late night trip home on a rescue lorry which was the outcome of the ladies that lunch fiasco, Leicestershire has only been and done it to me again.

So the story goes a little like this:
1300 - Jools purchases petrol and leaves the fields of Wiltshire behind her (travelling through 3 different counties in 15 mins)
1330 - Jools continues bimbling along getting annoyed at Sunday 'fuckin' drivers but is quite happy as is singing her wee lungs out to 'Darkside' by Tim Minchin (link to the fabby Timmy below - everyone should pay to go and see him - he's fab and very lovely).
1430 - Jools is supposed to head towards Warick on the A something or other but gets confuzzled and goes across the Fosse Way - cue hilarious japes with Jools, tiny car, large winds and very hairy corners - resulting in Jools nearly coming of the road and peeing herself laughing about it.
1530 - after various detours Jools arrive at parental house and sets to work trying to find the heating - no joy, just about manages to put the fire on and sits round like an ice box cursing the fact she didn't realise ma & pa had a dvd and didn't bring any with her.
1645 - BaggieB phones to say she's in Melton but is lost, Jools try to direct her but can't figure out where she is not being a local an all.
1700 - BaggieB rings again and Jools vainly searches for a map without any luck. Directs baggie B to centre of town and then collects her from a BP garage.
1730 - The 'comedy collective' (CC) head of to Nottingham for an evening of mirth, but spend 30 mins trawling round and round the one way system looking for the venue and car park. Jools muses that some thing's making a very odd noise, eventually decides to pull into a slip road as she realises her front tyre is ripped to shreds.
1800 - after eventually locating the spare wheel under the boot, not In, under the car chassis) the 'CC' decide to be girly and call breakdown.
1900 - Nice man rescues the CC (after realising they're round the back of the biggest police HQ, so quite safe). Jools asks nice man for directions as is bricking herself about the time. Nice man takes them to the car park. Bonus
1925 - The 'CC' hoof it along the street look for the venue, for once BaggieB's navigation skills are working and we find the venue and a queue.
1935 - ools is thinking' fuck we're too late they're not going to let us in'. Arse - but no it was fine folks we could go in but we couldn't see the chap we came to see cause he's ski-ing in Switzerland and his agent hadn't put the gig in his diary!
1945 - Reassess situation and decide despite the transport tribulations that the CC would venture again next week when said comedian is guaranteed to eb there.
1950 - Return to car and pay £3.50 for the privilege
2000- Spend 2 mins going the wrong way UP the car park rather than down, execute a possibly illegal left turn and end up going down a cobbled pedestrian zone only to have to turn around, much to the amusement of many of the assembled 'arty types' standing around.
2010 - BaggieB's excellent navigation skills send us round the entire outskirts of Nottingham but we eventually get back on the right road.
2030- Retire to Chinese establishment in Melton with stiff drink and promptly empty the restaurant of punters.
2200 - Return to house with chocolate and booze and proceed to consume both in large quantities whilst watching (i.e. nattering) Snatch. Many comments made along the lines of me seeing Baggie's snatch and hilarity ensues.
2300 - Freezingness of house resulted in the great scene of 2 heterosexual 30+er's snuggled up under a duvet together rustling chocolate, BaggieB was insisting on playing revel roulette.
0100 - Bed calls

Then this morning was spent getting a new tyre and driving back home, only to do it all again next Sunday.

It could only happen to me! But people may find these snippets quite cheering:

Random Thoughts - Week Three

2007-03-10T23:53:00.000Z

I’ve come up with a great idea to make public transport more enjoyable and it’s the late night tube drinking game. However you can also play it on night buses, coaches, anything really where you’re supposed to be travelling in a forward motion and are surrounded by other people.
So what you do is you enter your preferred mode of transport, ensuring that you’ve brought a bottle of your chosen spirit and a can or 2 of lager, beer, bottle of wine…whatever. Then you wait for your cue to take a drink….the first and easiest drinking option, is the mobile phone ringing, so quite simply anytime someone’s mobile phone rings you take a drink of your beer or wine.
The next level is the ‘look away stare’ option. So every time you look up to see someone staring at you and then they do that ‘oops I’ve been caught out I’ll look somewhere else thing’ you take a shot of your spirit. You can get bonus points in this round for being the person doing the staring but instead of looking away you continue to stare at them but pretend you’re looking at the very interesting ‘Kev is a bummer’ piece of literature located just past their left ear hole. The final level is the ‘stopping train’ round, so every time your transport stops, you take another shot, however you can only do this if the entire carriage goes deafeningly silent and the minute the train starts up again everyone resumes their conversations. You get a triple scoring round if you’re re routed through the Scottish highlands at any point.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bloody cyclists, are they in some kind of ninja secret sect or something. Coming out of the night sky at you dressed in black with some fairly stylish acrobatic moves, well at least the ones on BMX’s. They only wear black at night though, the sods…when was the last time you saw a cyclist dressed totally in black during the day? I mean is it some sort of cloaking device to make them invisible to oncoming motorists or is there a secret vampire cyclists club where they prey on motorists and then suck the air out of their tyres?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Worms are hermaphrodites right? That’s got to be no fucking fun on a Friday night. Hiya, do you fancy a quick one…ooh don’t mind if I do..lets go do some hot lovin. Oh well at least you don’t have to make them a cup of tea in the morning. The animals that have really got it sussed though are the ones where the male gets pregnant and gives birth. How fantastic is that? That’s equality being bang on. Sea horses do it don’t they?
So Mrs sea horse bimbles along…hi honey, wanna get it on tonight? Then as soon as she’s laid her eggs, she fucks off to do the shopping. Bloody genius!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You know that title, Funeral Director? Do you think they really thought about it when the came up with it.

I mean, is the guy in the big hat stood in the corner shouting ‘action’ as the coffin comes into view, or having to shout cut and go for a reshoot as the over keen ‘supporting artiste’ keeps waving ‘hi mum’ to the camera when he supposed to be driving the hearse?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Recently there was a tornado that tore apart several towns in Alabama and contrary to popular belief the Alabamans’ took on a rather more European view of the catastrophe than normal. In total truth I heard a woman interviewed on the local radio station and the interviewer was going on about how awful it was and asked her how the local community were feeling. No word of a lie she said well we’re all ‘quite devastated’. Quite devastated, quite? Not devastated, or totally devastated, just quite - like it’s a small inconvenience, like getting a small pebble in your shoe. Bloody hell woman a tornado’s just split your town apart and people have been ripped from their homes and have died and all you could come up with is ‘quite devastated’. What’s next? Well we were a tinsy bit miffed, oh well can’t be helped, never mind I always felt the downstairs needed to be open plan.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tea, slippers, jimjams, chocolate hob nobs

The perfect night in.

Actually that’s what going on at the other end of phone sex lines. You reckon you’re talking to sexy Sukie from Southampton who’s wearing stockings and a basque, when in fact you’re talking to Jean the cleaner from Stockport, who’s in jim jams, slippers and has just lost her hobnob to the depths of a cup of tea. Brings a whole new meaning to wanting it hot and wet.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ballet style wrapover tops are a bit hazardous aren’t they? You know the type that tie up at the back and unless you’re a size 6, make you look a bit sausagey in the middle. They really should come with a health warning – 'Warning may become hazardous if used in toilet situations'. I mean what are you supposed to do with the bloody stringy bits, and where the hell do they end up?

It’s like the tampon string observation test, the test that all women have to pass before they’re allowed out in the world.

Ensuring when you exit the loo that everything’s tucked back inside, nothing hanging out the side of your pants – well apart from yer pubes cause it’s always on the one night you pull is the one night you didn’t bother waxing. So you have to try and remain sober enough to spot the protruding offender, or be able to rely on your friend’s in case there’s a tuckage incident.

Of course you could rig them up yo your pants in a kind of quick release style mechanism. It would be an absolute boon to the dating scene – You know you fancy someone and you’ve been making subtle ‘come to bed’ eyes at them all evening with no joy. So rather than relying on our rather bad body language powers we can send a simple and direct message that states ‘I want to shag you’. Simply pull on the rip cord of rauchiness to display your pants to the rest of the drunken masses currently boogling to ‘it only takes a minute girls, to see your pants, to see your pants….’

SCORE!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Help help help elp lp p........

2007-03-09T17:42:00.000Z

Shit! Everybody needs to go and do this cause it's a dead worthwhile cause, really easy and you could see your name in lights, or sumthin!
However, shit where do I start?
Suggestions please...otherwise I'm going to show myself up as an utter tit and I'll put into the book what I think is my funniest post and you'll all look on as the tumbleweed of embarrassed shame goes rolling past. Please peeps - which should I go with?
I'll shortlist the most recent ones for ya:

Thermos, Slippers, Tea
Sock fluff & Wimmin
Crop Circles
Kids TV
Porn on the brain
Taking on a stand up comedian
Han experiment
Men don't want shagging no more
Biscuit stereotypes
Observations in a small town
Show me the way to the sprouts

Thermos, slippers, tea

2007-03-06T17:48:00.000Z

– things that are made to live together. I'd love to meet the man who invented the Thermos, what a legend he was. In actual fact I've done some research for you my little ones and it turns out he was a Scottish scientist named James Dewar and he came up with the vacumm flask blah de blah thingy but the damn Germans ran with the idea and patented the thermos flask..not content with trying to take over our little island they want to drink all our friggin tea as well!

However on researching these interesting facts (see I told you the internet isn't just for porn…it's for research…well ok its for researching porn but there is a slight but distinct difference). Anyway being the nice individual that I am I thought I'd burn some learning on your asses. So one of the myths surrounding tea is that this chap called Bohidharma kept falling asleep during meditation (bad Buddhist, naughty Buddhist, sit on the naughty step). Anyway cause he kept falling asleep during meditation, (one would argue that's surely the point) the Buddhists hunted him down with orange silk and threatened to make a parasol out of him. So he decided, to cut his eyelids off and where they fell is where a tree bush grew.

Well I don't know about you but fuck me I don't fancy having some rancid monk's eyeballs floating round in me cup of char.
'Hey Bob, what's this stuff floating in the top of me tea? You trying to go all Costa coffee on me, with your high faluting choccie sprinkles on the top'.
'Ah no Fred that's just bodhidharma's eyelids for you, drink up they've got great restorative properties, all the hip people are having them, that Goldie Hawn can't chuck enough of them down her gullet'.

Another tea myth is that some monky bloke was bimbling along with some hot water (bet the health and safety executive would have had a field day on that), bimbling about with his hot water when some 'leaves' fell into his cup. Now he must've been thinking 'Golly gosh what a glorious piece of luck, that seems all rather splendid and certainly not a potentially life threatening idea – I know lets have a drink. Ooh I feel strangely refreshed and invigorated not at all hazy –

now if only I could work out to make these cocoa beans into a Twix ' I'll be fucking minted'.

Random Thoughts - Week Two

2007-03-04T15:05:00.000Z

Twice, yes count them, twice this week I’ve discovered I’ve been wearing my knickers on inside out – It must be the first day of Spring! Why do you have a pair of pants? I mean there’s not two of them is there? A pair of melons means you have 2 of the damn things but pants ‘Oh no we’re so clever, we will never be referred to in the singular tense’. I can only assume its something to do with pantaloons and that most people have a pair of legs – but c’mon lets face it the way g-strings are going we’ll be lucky if there’s anything more than cheese wire available soon.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’m convinced the person who invented the life jacket, or buoyancy aid as it’s known in technical circles (see I’m up with this techno language…….ooh firewall, html…flange that sort of thing) anyway I’m convinced the lifejacket personage must’ve been a closet raver. C'mon you’re supplying a load of pissed up people with orange jackets that glow in the dark and have a whistle and a light attached to them.
I’m sure if any of us actually read the safety instructions they’d actually turn out to be instructions for doing ‘big fish, little fish, cardboard box’.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

God we have a stupid fire alarm voiceover bint at work…
Pingy pong ‘A fire is being investigated in an adjacent building, please wait for instructions’
'pingy pong ‘a fire has been investigated and no further action need be taken’

No but knock yourself out if you want to have a skive and stand outside in the British drizzle for half an hour. Realising once you're outside and the damn luminescent fire warden harpee won't let you back in the building, that you’ve forgotten to take your coat and yer fags!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Men and bloody anal sex – you’re all obsessed with it. Guys, honestly leave our arses alone. We spend most of the time doing our best to try and cover them up and deflect any attention away from that area and all you’re interested in, is smacking your groin up against them and you’ve all be warned by the Public transport officials about that before. Give us a break, surely a couple of Edam’s will do?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I know us women are supposed to be all sisterly and fluffy and pink and all that but it’s a load old bollocks isn’t it? I mean we really are a bunch of conniving evil bitches, especially when it comes to our fellas. We’ll go to great lengths to hunt down exes, porn, gold bullion, anything we can to prove we’re superior and oh so cunting clever.
Do we believe a word you say, do we bollocks. Remember guys we have a built in bullshit detector. Telling Lies, fucking our sister’s or wearing our tights for the last 2 weeks (which might explain why they now reach our armpits) we can tell when you’re lying.

But do we say ‘Darling – I’m really quite upset by this information I’ve recently acquired, could we sit down and discuss it in a rational and sane manner before I club you over the head with this griddle’. Oh no that would be far too easy, we want you to suffer, we need you to feel pain and short of standing on your bollocks in 4 inch heels the only way we are going to get it is by seeking retribution and spending 2 weeks making your lives a misery.

You’ll wonder why you’ve suddenly lost all remote control privileges, why the doors in your house are shaking in their hinges and why you have unexplained ‘sleep’ bruises.
Every tiny little thing you do will be picked apart and made into the biggest row in history. The slightly annoying habit of leaving the toilet seat up will now have been turned into a monumental crime against all humanity with you taking the starring part as Mr S Hussein.

What will have started this wrath warpath, this simple phrase…

‘hmm….what…err what did you say?’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sock fluff, don’t get me started on the fuckin stuff, no honestly it’s grounds for divorce, no really my friend did just that, divorced her husband on the grounds of his fuckin sock fluff.
Well ok that’s a bit of a fib - it was the sock fluff and the fact he was fucking another bird but mainly it was the sock fluff.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d taken some of the damn stuff with him to ‘her’ house but oh no the bastard not only buggered off every evening cause he had to ‘work late’ but when he did, he then left behind great whopping mounds of grey sock fluff everywhere.

The final show down between them was like one of those gun scenes from a great western.
She’s stood at one end of the hallway with his entire dvd collection in front of her and is wielding a sledge hammer and he’s at the other end with his still loaded piston and no where to shoot it.

The tension mounts - she narrows her eyes in a cold and calculating stare somewhat similar to Victoria Beckham eyeing up a donut. He assesses just how quickly he can exit the room without the sledgehammer being bounced off the back off his head. Then slowly capturing the very essence of this battle of wills, into shot drifts the tumbleweed of sock fluff. The nail in the coffin, the red flag, the starting whistle which means she can launch into full screaming banshee mode from which no man has ever been known to recover.

He runs for the door, leaping over the cat in true Colin Jackson style as the sledgehammer leaves her hand and travels in an arc across the room, smashing the photo of his mother in the process, all the while the sock fluff tumbleweed of shame is sat quietly in the corner mocking them, knowing that victory is in its grasp. Once again the suck fluff has sucked out the very marrow of a loving relationship and has digested it and spat it out again, such is its hatred of mankind.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In other news, was back in the Smith again Friday night, much fun had by the girls but no(heckling) suggestions this time (ok there was a underarm lob incident but I think we'll leave it at that). I'm also supposed to be handing in an assignment on Tuesday but the damn tinterweb keeps distracting me, in particular a whole host of comedians on myspace who are cheating their way towards chocolately infamy. Who'd have thought back in January when I was being a miserable fecker that I'd go and get meself one of them social life thingymebob's.

Oh and honest I didn't mean it bout the porn, I was only joshing - please oh few readers that are still out there, please come back and I'll promise to be a good girl.

Random Thoughts - Week One

2007-02-27T19:20:00.000Z

For those of you who haven't seen these already (and cause I seemed to have frightened everyone off with the porn), here's my random thoughts from last week:

Thunderbugs - You know the little fuckin annoying things that leave little dirty specks all over the place throughout the summer months (otherwise known as Thripps - see tis heducational as well).Well just how small are baby thunderbugs? I mean do they meet a gang of bed bugs and scream
‘run for the hills, lads the giants are invading again?’.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Crop Circles - Ok we all know that this has been proven to be fake and were made by 2 guys and some large snow shoes but really wouldn’t a much better explanation be drunk moles? Stay with me on this one. Ok fields are full of barley, which in turn changes into hops which with the heat of the sun ferments into beer. This seeps through the ground into the underground tunnels. So imagine if you will a network of tunnels full of pissed up moles looking for entertainment on a Friday night. They don’t know where they are or what they’re doing but they do know that they fancy going out for a kebab.

Hey presto, large seemingly random displays of drunkenness.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Fantasies - How many other women have fully fleshed out sexual fantasies – I mean surely I can’t be the only one who gets half way through the sexy shower scene to suddenly comment – ‘ooh look that grouting needs re doing?’ At which point Kiefer generally loses interest and mutters something about ‘women – pah - never happy!).

I mean, surely women’s handymen/plumbing fantasies are actually just the fact that they’ve finally got a man to actually DO something round the house?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Things to be avoided – Shoes. Trying out new shoes and prancing up and down a shoe store admiring your soon to be new purchases in the tiny floor mirrors (do you think mice come out at midnight and look at each other going ‘does my tail make me look fat?’) Admiring your new ankle breaking contraptions is a sure fire way to look an utter knobcheese as you go arse over tit and end up resembling the wicked witch of the west without the green makeup, menacing look and flying monkeys.

Oh ok well I’ll admit that some shop assistants do act like flying monkeys – you can have that one.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Stationery - Do you reckon civil servants take a look at the stationery cupboard and say:
'ack I’ll not bother, it’s only like I’m nicking it from myself'?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Is it ALWAYS wrong to be in your 30’s and still drink a bottle of lemon schnapps and throw up down your jim jams? Guess it makes a change to throwing up in the gutter or on someone else, but really, puke is bloody difficult to get out of flannelette.

Maybe that’s what we need for the next series of the 'You've got a crap idea' or whatever it was called – the first set of puke resistant pyjamas.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Naturists – ok I admire your balls, cause I can cause they’re out there for everyone to see, I admire the fact that you’re comfortable with your body but really all I need to say is guys…...............................................................................................................Jade Goody?

Where Jools' has a rant about Kids TV

2007-02-25T14:27:00.001Z

So everyone of 'my generation', how stupid does that sound? 'My generation' makes me sound like a bloody 60's free lovin radical doesn't it..anyhoo everyone of my generation bangs on about Dr Who being the scariest thing on TV and how they used to hide behind the sofas.

Bollocks! The scariest thing on TV was those kids drama productions you used to get like Dark Towers – anyone remember that…'come with us and you will see dark towers'. Best theme tune ever, sung by Derek Griffiths, the coolest man on British TV ever – and that's a fact folks!
Anyway along with Dark Towers they had a programme called 'the boy from space' no seriously that was the best the 'look and read production company' could come up with - 'the boy from space'. Well I guess at least you knew what you're letting yourself in for.

'Hey Doris we've got to go to that damn school assembly room again to watch one of those drama films, what do you reckon it'll be about this week'.
'Well it says here that its called the boy from space'
'Ooh that doesn't tell us much does it…its obviously one of them surprise mystery drama things where we've got to work out what's going on'
'What you mean a bit like Pinter?' (well obv she wouldn't say this being only 7 but you get the drift)
'So then lets have a crack at what its about…hmm boy – well that could mean anything couldn't it…perhaps it means one of those floaty things you get in the water'.
'Oh yeh good point Mabel, then what else have we got? who came from…what the hell does that mean, came from sounds a bit like Camden, maybe it means a market – aww yes I think we're on to something here and then we've got space'.
'Well that's a bit innocuous isn't it…space as in like ooh mum there's a great big space in my head where the lurning's supposed to go, or there's this big hole round the back of the tuck shop which we've buried Jimmy Johnson'?
'Ooh yes you're onto something now - so what we have is a floaty watery thing in a market with a big hole'.
'So a bloke is stranded at sea and clings to a buoy for dear life, is eventually rescued by some cockney fishermen who take him off to Camden where he promptly falls into a hole'?
'Ahh that's it, we've got it sussed but lets go anyway so we can see just how they're going to execute this rather shambolic script….'

Anyway scariest scene ever is where the eponymous boy from space climbs slowly up a staircase towards 2 petrified children, dressed head to foot in tin foil. Now c'mon on if you were a Bernard Matthews turkey you'd be bricking yourself at this point.
'Quick lads get him before he reaches for the baster otherwise we're all done for'.

Worse than the boy from space though was Luna starring a prebubescent Patsy Kensit. You know all teeth and smiles, she's moved on from the pea thing but has yet to move onto getting her tits out for Mel Gibson.
It also stars Mr Bennett from Take Hart – who remembers Take Hart with Tony Hart. The man responsible for the rise in sales of pasta goods all over the UK. Fuck The Nigella 'cranberries in July' effect bloody Tony Hart started it back in the 70's. Thousands of mothers across the country shouting:

'Oh for fucks sake…Pete have you used all the bloody macaroni again? What we going to have for tea? You'll have to settle for bloody Findus crispy pancakes again'.
'Oh what's that Pete, what you trying to show me? Oh it's a scale replica of the Mona Lisa made out of noodles is it'?

Of course it would be nice to say at this point, 'Oh look you've made her hair out of tagliatelle, her lips from farfalle and her eyes from conchiglie' (that's bows and shells to the rest of us). But we can't say this cause this was the friggin 70's and pasta came in 2 varieties. Macaroni and Heinz ravioli, known by small children the world over as tomatoey pillows.
Anyway I digress Patsy gets into lots of scrapes on a space ships with Mr Bennett and a small speccy boy for company – bit of a precursor for Harry Potter but with less winging and acne.

Yes I know I really need to finish this monologue but it goes in to a rather long winded chat about Dr Who and Wurzel Gummidge. Stay tuned for the next exciting instalment of Jools has a rant about her childhood, featuring such gems as the staircase from Hell and a banana yoghurt incident.

I need your help - variation on a theme

2007-02-24T11:46:00.000Z

Ok so carrying on with the porn theme - I need your help. I need to complete the following phrase.....

PORN...............................

So far I have:
PORN - Saving marriages since 1745

PORN - What the interweb was created for

PORN - Saving the British Film Industry

Pornania Jones - Intrepid Porn Treasure Seeker

Save our Porn - Future generations depend on it

OK , so which if any of these would look groovy on a t-shirt? Or can you come up with something better? Please please I need your ideas. Suggestions on the back of a wank mag please (not the middle cause it's normally a bit sticky).

Apologies to any newcomers *snigger* who have found the blog this week -it's not normally this smutty I promise.

This week I ave mostly been boogling to:

2007-02-22T21:09:00.000Z

Warning parental Advisory - Explicit Lyrics *woot*

Hoobastank - Inside of you
What do I have to do, to get inside of you?
Cuz I love the way you move, when I'm inside of you when I'm inside of you

Just ask and I will do, anything you want me to,
there is no limit, to how far I will go
And I'm sure I can't pretend, to be no gentlemen,
but before I began ,I just gotta know, just gotta know....

Chilli Peppers - Suck my Kiss
Someone full of fun, do me 'till I'm well done, Little Bo Peep, cumin' from my stun gun
Beware take care, most motherfuckers have a cold ass stare, Aw baby please be there
Suck my kiss cut me my share
Hit me you can't hurt me suck my kiss,
Kiss me please pervert me stick with this
Is she talking dirty, give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to suck my kiss

Chilli Peppers - Sir Psycho Sexy
Deep inside the garden of Eden, standing there with my hard on bleedin
'Theres a devil in my dick and some demons in my semen
Good God no that would be treason
Believe me Eve she gave good reason, Botty looking too good not to be squeezin
'Creamy beaver hotter than a fever, I'm a givin' 'cause she's the reciever
I won't and I don't hang up until I please her, Makin' her feel like an over achiever
I take it away for a minute just to tease her, tThen I give it back a little bit deeper

I got stopped by a lady cop, in my automobile
She said get out and spead your legs and then she tried to cop a feel
That cop she was all dressed in blue, was she pretty? Boy I'm tellin' you
She stuck my butt with her big black stick, I said "what's up?" now suck my dick
Like a ram getting ready to jam the lamb, sShe whimpered just a little when she felt my hand
On her crotch so very warm, I could feel her getting wet through her uniform
Proppin' her up on the black and white, unzipped and slipped "ooo that's tight"
I swatted her like no swat team can, turned a cherry pie right into jam

See utter filth running through Jools' noggin. *Sigh*

Porn on the brain

2007-02-20T00:58:00.000Z

I tells ya you go to one comedy gig and you get porn on the brain...I can't help it, my brain has gone into porn overload and everything I see or hear has very overtly sexual conotations to it..so then back to my porn shed theory, I thought perhaps I should expand on why we should all have porn sheds.

Firstly porn and sex aids deserve to be displayed openly, not hidden in bedside cabinets and under beds. You need to display these items proudly, shouting - 'here is my porn, come have a look, my collection is very extensive..you like?'.

Not have it so that it sends you into a brown paper bag inhaling panic attack everytime your parents or babysitter comes round. Steady boys..once you start going down the babysitter track there is no return...

Darling? Have you put all the porn away?
Yes of course sweetness
All of it? Including that really dodgy stuff you had to get flown in from Finland in a special container and you had to give them your Swiss Bank account details before they'd hand it over?
Yes dear, all of it, its all safely stashed in the bedside cabinet.

Oh yes the 'bedside cabinet' cause no fucker is ever going to think about looking in there. It's the first thing you do, surely. If you're housesitting or left to your own devices in someone else's house for any length of time - you go looking for porn. Of course you rummage through the old medicine cabinet first in case they have any embarrassing ailments but then you search for porn.

But oh no, someone's been sneaky and they have a lockable bedside drawer (the fuckwits) but it is ok 'For I am Pornania Jones, intrepid porn treasure seeker. Your fiendish traps and tricks are no match for my cunning and well lubricated fingers'.

Hmmm now where could thay have possibly stashed the key?
Could it by any chance be taped to the underside of the bed? No?
In the little trinket box on the dressing table? No?
Damn trickies these trusted friends of mine.

So then and only then, when you've exhausted all possibilities do you go that place that dare not be mentioned. To that unholy hiding place of all that is evil...

THE MAN'S SOCK DRAWER

I know ladies please try and remain calm I'll send someone round with some smelling salts shortly.

Of course being British we couldn't possibly display our porn so brazenly, oh no we'd much rather wait until we're all sat round for Christmas dinner. Auntie Doris is saying grace and is just at the moment when she says Amen and everyone opens their eyes, when Little Bobby makes an appearance sporting a rather fetching spiked rubber hood with matching love beads necklace!

So be proud of your porn and display it where everyone can see it, even Auntie Doris might like a crack at it.

Back to the Smith again

2007-02-19T10:04:00.000Z

Well as Billy says I'm spending more time in the Smith than he is these days..so staying with my normal reports (cause I've been told I have a certain 'style' which is very recognisable - really only cause I have my own made up language) I bring Jools guide to seeing comedy:

1300 Driveage to Hookling for meetage and much huggage amazingly don't get lost and end up smack bang on time without going wrong once - I'm getting quite good at this driving AND navigating malarky
1415 Teaage (obv.)
1500 Passengerage to Osterlinglee and then trainage to Londinium
1600 Bimbleage, navigation skills challenged however once again I ome up trumps and navigate straight to the venue - I tells you Iwas on top form yesterday. Of course colleague goes 'Well are you sure it's down there'....'well there are a load of posters up outside referring to the show we're going to see!'
1615 More teeage and blueberry muffin (Sorry Riverside people for making such a mess all over your floor but if you will sell flaky pastries (or waking up with a Danish!) you've got to expect some crumb action. Much chat action, which quite freaked me out as I didn't have a keyboard to hand, however you can rest assured that I make just as many typos in real life.
1800 Made my mate sit right at the very front and I mean right at the front, cause there's not even a stage as such just a lip that's about 2 inches tall, which must be a real struggle for the comedian to climb up onto. ;)
2000 Finally exit stage holding my sides and doing my best to not look embarrassed - Mate can fill you in (go on you know you want to!) but did involve me, some beer, comments about munterspace, backswill and Electric Blue - and that was just me!
2200 Tubeage again, lovely journey back, no nutters or owt
2300 More teaage (canyou see a theme developing here)
0100 Eventually arrive home to some 'interesting' messages on munterspace

Fantastic night had by all. Mate (don't know what name you want to use hon) thanks so much for the company and the chats and putting up with me! Ed - thanks for allowing me to be your comedy sidekick for the night! Oh and finally Daniel 'I name things' thank you for giving me one of the best laughs I've had in ages!

Rock on dudes (LC wants you to!)

Fuckin hell

2007-02-16T22:19:00.001Z

A bloody ligth jsut exploded and made a pxzzzzz pop kerduck sound...fell on the floor and fizzed...fuuck its hazardous having your own house ain't it?

OPh yeh feb 14th...blah de blah...not lved up...grumble grumble...been a bloody year...a year I tell ya...cobwebs forming..... gruble mope...ahh rosé...tis better

Oh haircut - hmm.....why? why oh why? I miss my hair all 4 inches of it..obcv am also msing 4 inches of anythign at the moment

*Left the wine addled typos in for Buillster's and romo'samusement...glad I'm ebtertainign soemone anyway!
*lmao*

*Update - Apparently according the the MSN girls smelling of wee and cats may be the reason I'm not attracting single men - why did no on tell me this earlier? You're all a bunch of bastards!
**All emn in porn films are mingers.

How do you blog?

2007-02-11T13:20:00.000Z

Ok so carrying on from the enormous success that was blogging bedrooms (cough)..how/where do you blog?

Are you a desker or a lapper? (lapper Bob, not slapper)

What do you need in front of you to get the best enjoyment from the tinterweb (Bob - we've taken it as read that there would be hand cream and tissues in front of you, so don't feel that you need to add those in).

So getting the ball rolling, here's my tinterweb haven and associated products:

1. Monitor obv..currently displaying muzac...the one thing I can't do without in blogosphere, got have some tunes going dude. Notice it's still tilting, but I'm kinda used to it now.

2. TV - yep as a multititter got have the TV, in fact its rare that I do both but its generally there for when I retire to bed, assuming I've not passed out on it (the bed not the monitor obv).

3. Boring work/course related stuff but at least the damn course is going ahead at last

4. Research of the highest calibre. Whatever is current viewing in the Jools household, especially late at night with the curtains drawn....

5. Porker mags - gotta have em, gotta read em, gotta reach for that kebab.. a lil bit of escapism never did anyone any harm.

6. Misc junk, incl notebook for random thoughts, a half started version of 'only happy when it rains', which features YOU lot and I've never finished, microphone/headset thingy, some randomly collected gemstones, couple of Christmas cards.

7. Blank cd's - always lurking about in case I need to erm swap something with someone on the tinterweb.

8. Health/Beauty products - including vitamins, moisturiser and lipbalm as I check this damn thing in the morning whilst having first cuppa of the day and must start applying the slap, allowing at least 40 mins for my face to fall into place.

9. Trusty mobile which needs a huge amount of charging.

10. Piggy bank - currently empty and bought on a whim.

11. Chocolate, normally dark for when I get the munchies..there's always a bar up here and a bar in the fridge.

12. Candles - always got some lurking, but are in shot today as the room was taking on a somewhat dubious smell (I blame the cats) and these are nice vanillery ones.

13. Assorted crap - piles of stuff to take to work and bills to pay.

14. Missing item - prize to the person who gets it 'completely' accurate.

So there we go my blogarino's my wee haven of tinterweb joy. I must point out however that it took me 40 (yes count them) mins of clearing up before this was in a decent enough state to take a photo of. I feel I may be taking on Bob's traits by osmosis as there were several dubious stains and rather a lot of sticky stuff which required removal.

So tagging people with the meme stick (am I the only one who thinks that sounds like me me so we can all show off our great big ego's?). I tag Billster, Bob and RoMo to come up with the goods.....go run with the antelopes my fellow munters.

Let me be a lesson to you all - #3

2007-02-10T14:53:00.000Z

Oh my blogarino's I've been and done it again. I mean why oh why do these things happen to me. There I am all set for another marathon MSN session including but not limited to discussions about hot actors, hot singers, leather trousers and the removal there of..when I find myself tucked up in bed and (probably) snoring loudly.
I don't know what happened and can only blame it on post work week fatigue setting in - so apologies for not lending any of my 'infamous' entertainment (i.e fantastic typos) to the evening's proceedings.

(Of course this had absolutely nothing to do with a bottle of rosé, no way, not at all - see previous postings, at least the poetry pisshead didn't make an appearance).

In other news I'm very proud to say that I was (quite technically) able to tell NCCKG that whilst she was wrong to think the polar bears are invisible there is some truth in the statement as their fur is transparent. How the fuck did I know that?
Of course this led to an entirely new conversation about if they were in the desert would they be yellow and how come they're still white in zoos.
Er because they're still on snow....
Yeh but they're outside
Yes but they have a clever freezing gidget that still makes snow - I mean its not like in the middle of winter in the tropical house the crocodiles are going 'Oi Fred turn the radiator up will ya it's bloody freezing in here'.

And so endeth the lesson

Obligatory snow shots

2007-02-08T17:20:00.000Z

Things to be avoided

2007-02-07T19:54:00.000Z

Taking on a stand up comedian.

Yeh that's right taking on the fucker on the stage with the microphone is akin to sending a man into a department store on Valentines Day to buy you some sensible underwear.

First you'll be lucky if he gets in there without looking like a pervert, transvestite or gay man.

Then he'll pick out something totally inappropriate which resembles a whorehouse special complete with cheese wire, which means you'll be lucky to see your arsehole or possibly your bean ever again (not that this matters to him as he's unlikely to have found it in the first place).

Finally he'll buy you completely the wrong size, either totally flattering or totally offensive and leave you wondering what measuring criteria he used in the first place to assess you.

If however he does manage to make it home with a reasonable piece of lingerie then you'll immediately be reassessing your relationship to work out how you can live with a homosexual who takes more interest in your cushions than you do.

Advice to all men - don't try and buy your ladeeyz underwear, it's not big and it's not clever and you'll be left wondering why on earth your Valentine's day has resulted in you shouting through the letterbox whilst freezing your naked scones off.

Advice to All - Don't take on a comedian, they ARE big and they ARE clever and the fuckers have a microphone so they're always going to get the last word in.

I made dis

2007-02-07T18:14:00.000Z

Or the alternative title of 'Anyone wanna see my hole' which I thought might over excite the googlers and end up with some err accidents

Anyway I can proudly present to you the result of my...lets go blewdy things up work afternoon a few weeks ago (pen is for size ref and it is a big bit of steel)....how impressive is this?

More excited than an Andrex puppy (and that might be half the problem)

2007-02-06T21:47:00.000Z

Yup I've just booked my tickets to see a wonderful, high cheekboned, Irish accented, long haired comic in Hammersmith...soon. So back up to London again (hey this lets start a blog thing and go to London seems to be working quite well now I've got over my fear of the tube).

I am so excited I really am going to have to take some Tena's with me as I really am going to wee myself especially as I'm a bugger for not leaving my seat during a performance. Especially not during a stand up routine unless you want to be mercilessly harangued by the fucker on the stage with a microphone.

Also am still trying to get my head round how on earth I'm going to catch the Fullmooners** at the comedy store. I mean who the fuck puts on a show at midnight? Bloody Londoners with not a care in the world for those of us who are stuck in the sticks with the only form of entertainment being how many cows you can tip over in a night.
I mean c'mon on we're the bloody ones who need culturing (new word?). Our sign of culture is following a camberet* as opposed to a Double Gloucester down a bloody great big hill. You lot should be putting on coaches and posh hotel suites for us 'commoners'.
You should be sponsoring us to see how many time we can crow bar the words pheasant, tractor, roadkill or daisy into a cultured conversation.

Donations to the get Jools out the bloody sticks fund can be sent to......

*I know this isn't the way you spell soft stinky French cheese but have a lovely image of a French cheese with a beret on smoking a cigarillo
**has anyone been to it already or is planning on going? If so can you give me your review as it looks like a blast to me.

Gone to the dogs

2007-02-06T17:50:00.001Z

Yes Jools has gone to the dogs, very poor show ha de ha ha and all that

Anyway I did indeed go to the dogs last week for a colleague's retirement do. I only mention it as some of you seem to be under the impression that my social life consists of drinking far too much rosé on a Friday night, embarrassing myself on MSN and generally bringing that chat down to a level of smutty tolerance involving leather trousers. However this is blatantly not the case as I excitedly got invited to a night at the dogs.....

Unfortunately this was not the hot bed of male totty I was hoping for, instead my taxi driver for the night was mate and her newly acquired (i.e. still bloody loved up and just returned from a shagging week in Cornwall) boyfriend with neither of them overly excited about spending the night at the dogs or with me. Couple this with Walmart's elite, dodgy chicken curry (which I had to have with roast potatoes as they'd run out of rice) and nowhere to sit then it resulted in a top notch night of entertainment.

Ah well at least I can say I've been, another one of life's experiences locked away for safe keeping. The one plus point was that at least I didn't run the burger roulette of food poisoning, having opted for the bet on black option and going for the aforementioned curry.

Money spent = £8 Dogs bet on = 1 Money won = £0
Hot totty = 0 Snoggage = 0 Food Poisioning = 0

Last day before Xmas

2007-02-06T17:40:00.000Z

Like totally like just like found this post...

Ok, so I like uh huh totally forgot to say what we did on our last day at work. Well what with me being the nice boss lady I decided that we would play games and have nibbles much like we did when we were at school.

Thusly this game was produced about 2 days before we finished for Christmas. Well of course us in the office (4 in total) thought we better get a bit of a head start on the rest of the team and get in a bit of practice. If you've never played Cranium I strongly recommend it, especially for large groups of adults.

After we'd all decided we were pretty much crap at the general knowledge and maths questions (although we did learn the Casanova, I think it was, died in a library), we thought we'd have a go at the creative ones. Now these generally involve making a tit of yourself performing some sort of charade, making a tit of yourself trying to hum lyrics or making very phallic objects with a bit of play doh.

I of course made a perfect representation of a piggy bank (clay) and fellow colleague did a wonderful 'beans on toast'. Then having to take a phone call I was excluded from the next 'clay' but as no one had guessed I came up with nipple and got it right. Must be the way my mind works but it was a small circle on top of another circle..quite obvious really.

The humming bit was incredibly embarrassing to the extent that all hummers had to cover their faces with an internal envelope as we couldn't look at each other without laughing. Points were deducted cause 'lone male' pointed to the radio on his go as his song was playing on the radio - how lucky was that?

However the piste de la resistance (or however you say cherry on the top in frangalese) was NCCKG having to do an impression of a famous actor but you're not allowed to say names or places. As she was struggling I said I'd help her out..piss easy..all I said was I'll have a martini shaken not stirred, in a very lame attempt at a Scottish accent..point to us although major points deducted when I spent the next 10 minutes explaining to NCCKG that yes Sean Connery was in fact Bond!

Come on..guess her age?

Jools guide to removal of Bingo Wings

2007-02-04T11:34:00.000Z

Ingredients:
1. Nice flabby pair of bingo wings
2. Will even suck up a sausage, dyson
3. Cat hair encrusted rug or carpet
4. Music (Jools attempted with Keane, but its too slow - sorry Bargain, I'm trying I really am)

Directions
1. Start music and ensure it can reach ear splitting volume and shakes your neighbour's walls as you'll need to hear it over the dyson
2. Sit on floor next to Dyson (in no way should this be attempted whilst in a standing position)
3. Switch on dyson
4. Push dyson (with long scoopy attachment, not the fluffy one) back and forth across rug/carpet in a frenzied motion
5. Repeat step 4 (and possibly step 1) as necessary
6. Have a cup of tea

Result
Fantastically trim looking wings with only a hint of Boeing.*

*Or in the real world, fantastically aching and still flabby bingo wings with the added gamble of bruising.

Damn and blast

2007-01-29T21:14:00.000Z

The cat's ate all the bloody paté!

Pie oh pie

2007-01-27T19:15:00.000Z

Why is it, that the time you go up the shops without a scrap of make up on and with your male flatmate in tow is the one time there's a cute guy within a 5 mile radius of your backwater of a town!

Fan fuckin (I'm never going to have sex ever again am I?) tabulous.

Also LC has reminded of the wonder that is Mastercheat and the huge amount of histrionics accompanying the current series. But why oh why can someone tell me does it have to impinge on my pie eating enjoyment. I don't know what Mr MacDougall is playing at but can you please return to your normal steak and mushroom pie recipe and not something with steak from only the finest rare breed fed on luxurious lush green grass from the outer Hebrides complete with chanterelle mushrooms found only in the remotest part of wanker island.

I mean c'mon it's a bloody PIE!

From whence she came...

2007-01-27T15:57:00.000Z

(told you I'm no good at tittles).

So then straight on the back of the COC wearing I was back in Londinium for the BFi, TFi, South Bank, Arty thing that was the GW special event. (didn't get lost, got this tube thing sorted I tells ya).

Twas good but I won't bang on about it as this is not and will never be a GW blog (see previous posts re unanonyminity - lovin that word) but got home at about 2.30 am and luckily had morning off work. Got to meet some lovely people and apologies to Pashmina who I may have frightened with my over excited huggage. Spoke with some lovely writers (again) and actually got the chance to have a conversation with the lovely Cello who I'd totally missed speaking to at the bin wearing event. Unfortunately didn't get to see Patrocolus again so have missed out on bloggers yet again even though I did knock her man up to purchase a couple of yo-yo's.

(yes I did wear a bin, act as an auction slave, play SOD and skate round Tescos but no I didn't have any chocolate cocks!)

Anyway life has returned to dullsville and a bout of ickiness which resulted in me at work on Wednesday pm quite frankly drugged up to the eyeballs and barely registering what my boss was saying to me. Though to be fair its hard to concentrate on important words when boss turns up with mismatched shoes and continues to get over excited by her use of Ebay and subsequent use of Penpal! Bless her couldn't ask for anyone better.

So work is dull and my damn course has been delayed again! Honestly there better be some damn fit blokes on this course (It was suggested there might be some firemen so things are looking up).

Otherwise this is the year I need to sort my life out, which will hopefully at least result in me moving domicile but that's not likely to happen until I get my arse in gear and sell the damn house! also a bloke would be nice.

Anyway its my anniversary on 14th Feb - mountain of maltesers to the person who correctly guesses the anniversary of what!

Love and squeezles to all.

In which Jools becomes an auction slave for the night

2007-01-15T06:09:00.000Z

Ok so very brief report re Londinium as I don't want this blog become unanonymous (ooh new madey uppy word). Anyhoo weekend went something like this:

Friday:
Uppy, packing, ironing, ball hunting
Driving to Reading, teaage, hugging, car squeezing
Chauffered to Heathrow, hugging, car squeezing, fox's glacier fruits
Navigator to Hammersmith, parking space, FREE over the weekend, rejoicing
Unpack, remove arms from boot, drinkage, more huggage
Tesco's, drunk, skating, more drunk, bruise, bad behaviour
Lovely convo with strangers, collapsage

Saturday:
Early uppage and forceful showerage, poemage, followed by lardy breakfastage
Decorating skills needed, only the truly talented should apply
Thousands of huggage but no chocolate cock consumption
Winnage!
Got to shout 'perm headed wanker' at an actor
Runnage (don't do running, what was I thinking) and thankfully no muddage
Soberage
Hopscotch, furlongs, Auction slave, post its
Watching, singing, dancing, wearing a coc on my head
Collapsage

Sunday:
Repeat stage 1 of Saturday without the poem
Then repeat most of Friday in reverse
Photo fever resulting in PC melt down
Knackeredage

bibbly bibly bum

2007-01-11T19:47:00.000Z

Yesterday I got paid to go and blewdey things up, tommorrow I'm off to Londinium and may wear a waste paper bin on my head.

Maybe this year won't be so bad...certainly would've liked the old horoscope to have forecasted that!

Please don't make the place messy whilst I'm away...but make yourself at home. :)

1st Book list of double O 7

2007-01-05T20:07:00.000Z

Ok, so due to trippage to Londinium next weekend I have once again graced my local high tec library with my presence and have come away with:

Bram Stoker - Dracula (not cause of the disappointing Marc Warren thing on the beeb but cause of the great cover...just red fangs on a white background - cool or what?)
Ricky Gervais - The world of Karl Pilkington
David Nicholls - Starter for ten
Anthony Kiedis - Scar tissue
Lissa Evans - Odd One Out
Christina Jones - Love potions
H G Wells - The history of Mr Polly

So I'm pretty sure abut the last 3 as I've read the authors before, but what about the other lot...anyone read them, any suggestions?
Where shall I start and what looks befitting on a huge yellow and blue bus on its way to London?

Hoping you're all having a fab start to year. Snoggage update - still 0

Oh yeh and 'no contemporary culture knowledge' girl at work today started the day by wandering into the office with a freezer shelf. Well you would wouldn't you? and they say we're backwards in the sticks!
Actually this was after our attempt to improve 'no contemporary culture knowledge girl's' (NCCKG) comp temporary culture knowledge..which went something along the lines of:

Me - Right so let start with some bands then...ok have you heard of Metallica?
NCCKG - Oh yeh I think we might have their album, has it got like blood on the cover?
Me - Blimey that's good yeh one of them does, well done (proceed to inform band members names and best hits, thinking ok this might not be so hard)
Me - Ok so what about Suede then?
NCCKG - Oh yeh they're the ones that did that Christmas song didn't they......

(after much laughter and weeping and snottage, we eventually inform NCCKG..no darling that would be Slade, the ones with the big boots and dodgy hair). Bless.

and here I go again on my own......

2007-01-01T09:23:00.000Z

Last year

Alcohol units - 1 bottle grenache, 1/2 bottle of asti (spewmanti), 2 large baileys
Hangover - ikkle

Minutes spent singing - approx 60

Snoggage - 0

2007 - present time

Alcohol units = 0

Milk = 1 pint

Tea = 1 but bet it can get up to 20 by end of day

Minutes spent singing = too early yet

Throwing up = 0

Snoggage = 0 (somehow I don't think a nice cuddle with the cat counts - joker picture below).

So great start to 2007 pah! It can only get better from here - can't it?

In the tradition of year end bloggers everywhere

2006-12-31T13:20:00.000Z

I present to you (pom diddly pom pom) my favourite posts from the last year. Well in fact the last 6 months since I've been blogging. Apologies to all I've missed out but I love you all dearly but had to pick my top 12 faves....

Spinny bravely hands her dating disasters over to her fellow bloggers
RoMo in her inevitable style starts a new trend
We all gets heducated by Billy's excellent (but blogger busting) quiz
Patroclus is surprised by her meme making abilities
Heather starts the biggest debate of blogosphere..naughty or nice?
Heffalump offers us fantastic fashion advice
Tadpole treats us to her tickled tonsils
Beastie becomes at one with his dyson
Bob reaches five hundred
Hannah remains grounded despite dating a minor celebrity
Gary loses his meatballs
Anna helps us out with a prickly subject

So that my blogarino's is it, that's the year (well half year in my case) over and done with it. I don't do resolutions but I will really try to comment more often. Also this is my 100th post so thanks to everyone who's stuck by me, through me and all over me (especially during the drunken ramblings).

Of course we've also lost a few along the way so in the spirit of friends not forgot, please spare a minute for Molls who we all miss dearly...Molls come back we love you!

Lovin you all and hoping next year brings you all you've ever wished for
mwah mwah

p.s. Blog meet is still a happening affair on 14th Jan, possibly in the afternoon, possibly in a pub named after a bird. Details to follow once I've got hold of H.

Recovered from Porn Shed

2006-12-30T10:00:00.000Z

Ooh I'd forgotten about these posts which had been hiding over at the now demised porn shed so err yeh......

In fact my theory is that all blokes need a porn shed. You know somewhere to go and while away the hours whilst the wife is cooking Sunday lunch (yeh in your dreams, we'll all take the opportunity whilst your off fiddling with your bits to have a fiddle with ours whilst conversing with Pedro from Brazil who's hung like a horse).But seriously, men of the world unite, please go and buy sheds and bedeck them with comfy armchairs, carpeting and shelves, thus leaving under the bed areas and bedside cabinets free of porn. Porn should be celebrated and have its own place it can call home.

Sockage

2006-12-30T09:30:00.000Z

Gawd forbid if anyone had come and knocked on my door today as they would've have been greeted by a very scary sight..Following on from Billy's 'what do you wear whilst blogging' post(created cause he's a bit of an old perv and wants to hear all about people blogging in their pants!) - today I have mostly been wearing...rubbish. The good old postie would have been greeted by me, minus make-up, hair scrunched up in a top knot, blue (complete with bleach stains) halter neck summer top, old manky grey fleecy shorts and luminous green socks (courtesy of Virgin Atlantic, thank you very much Mr Branson). Luckily I have decided not to answer the door (as I fear a quick trip to the loony bin) and housemate is away 'with the lads' so have house all to myself to run amok with my fashion crimes (the cats don't really care although they do give me the odd quizzical look). Oh and the reason for this crime against humanity - I've been trying to clear out the loft, nuff said methinks.

12 disliked drinks

2006-12-29T12:40:00.000Z

1. Pernod
2. Campari
3. Whisky, brandy, rum
4. Herbal teas, speshly camomile
5. Caffeine style high energy drinks
6. Lucozade
7. Malibu
8. Banana flavoured milkshake
9. Black coffee or even black tea (I mean really what do people think cows were invented for?)
10. Anything that involves pineapple
11. Taboo...anyone remember that? Was along the lines of Thunderbird one recalls
12. Badly made, strong tea..sorry if you make me strong tea I will search you house for lactose to make it tolerant again (see what I did there?)

***Thanks to everyone re kind thoughts regarding cats. Unfortunately it looks like Holly is gone forever (I can only hope the end was swift for her). Honey is back home and still a bit wibbly (though to be fair she always was and often resembles one of those nodding dogs). So she's eating everything, sleeping all the time, has to go back in a week to check that the brace thing is doing the job and healing the fracture and then back in 3 weeks for brace removal, all for the tune of £260! Does still look like the joker from Batman though, so quite cool really.

12 fave drinks

2006-12-26T13:34:00.000Z

1. Rose and white wine (medium dry)
2. Tea
3. Milk
4. Diet coke in particular cherry flavoured and yes I know it cleans toilets and all that
5. Baileys
6. Archers
7. Grapefruit juice
8. Cinzano and Advocaat (and yes I do know how awful they are, but such memories!)
9. Lemon water
10. Very milky irish coffee

11. Singapore Sling's

12. Summer punch (lambrusco, bacardi and tropical fruit juice - yummers)

***Cat update - 1 has returned - well almost. Went out today to find a notice pinned on a lamppost regarding a cat that had been found and taken to the vets last Thursday. 1 trip to vets, reunited with cat who had been hit by a car on Thursday night. Cat has to have jaw wired but otherwise is very happy, content, eating everything the vets put in front of her and should be back with us tomorrow night. Currently resembles the joker and looks very hard!

Only things is - what's happened to the other bugger?

12 Famous people I hate (or quite dislike)

2006-12-25T09:13:00.000Z

1. Piers Morgan
2. John Prescott
3. June Sarpong
4. John Sessions
5. Michael Parkinson
6. George Bush
7. That creationist blokey in the States
8. Ainsley Harriot, Jamie Oliver & Gary Rhodes
9. Tom Cruise
10. Tracey Emin
11. Jethro & Bernard Manning
12. Anyone intolerant of others (yes this is said with my tongue firmly lodged in my cheek regarding the previous entries!)

Tis a Christmas miracoille I tells ya

2006-12-24T16:23:00.000Z

Yeh first of, I hope many Christmas miracoils...As previously stated on this blog my damn effin smart phone has been decidedly dumb over recent weeks and won't sync (look at me getting all technical) with my pc. Its been in and out of its cradle like the proverbial (look who's birthday it is tommorrow) crouping baby. Anyhoo today's I takes it downstairs for a little rest and text one of my work colleagues who is coming round for Xmas lunch as her boyf is spending Xmas with his mum in Londinium and she's all on her own (so I invited her over cause I'm nice like that). Anyway I puts phone back in its cradle and ta da, little whirlygig thing starts whirling, makes a pingdy pongy noise and we're back in business!

So for your delight 2 piccies for ya's

1. Taken at start of December at 1720 on my way home from work to prove just how gloriously long the British summer was this year.

2. Taken about a week ago at 0745 to prove just how dark and dismal it's got recently (yes winter has finally arrived). I love it, all rain, dark, cold..fan flippin tabulous.

And finally wishing you all a VERY MERRY CRIMBO and wondrous New year - who loves ya baby! :)

12 famous people I like

2006-12-23T07:32:00.000Z

1. Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
2. Nick Knowles
3. Nigella Lawson
4. All the Green Wing Cast
5. Simon Pegg & Stephen Merchant
6. Richard Hammond
7. Dawn French
8. Victoria Wood & Julie Walters
9. Damian Lewis
10. Paul Merton & Ed Byrne
11. Stephen Fry & Alan Davies
12. Julian Clary, Melinda Messenger , Billie Piper (but not Mark Lamarr and yes there is a link between them)

p.s. 2 of the cats have gone missing..am really worried as I think someone might have nabbed them as they never stray far from the door, and 2 to go missing at the same time is incredibly bad luck.

12 fave foods

2006-12-22T20:32:00.000Z

1. Mashed potato
2. Chilli (with obligatory yorkshire puds)
3. Roast Lamb
4. Jelly tots, strawberry laces, fizzy cola bottles (speshly the really sharp ones)
5. Mushrooms
6. Chicken wrapped in bacon
7. Steak with stilton and mushroom sauce
8. Tuna, cheese melts
9. Cooked breakfast with poached eggs, but no tomatoes, fried bread or hash browns..bleurgh
10. Roast Beef
11. Pizza (pepperoni)
12. Chinese (any of it but in particular crispy duck and spicy smoked chicken)

12 foodstuffs I hate (well quite dislike)

2006-12-19T18:45:00.000Z

1. Coconut
2. Marzipan
3. Stilton (unless melted)
4. any type smelly French cheese
5. Most fish (really wish I liked it as fancy myself a bit of a Rick Stein in the kitchen – much nicer than the fat tongued Jamie Oliver)
6. Liquorice
7. Peppers
8. Aniseed and therefore I guess celeriac
9. Orange flavoured things, oranges ok, orange flavoured things not so, including chocolate oranges, not even chocolate can redeem this one
10. Apricots and dates
11. Not fussed on ginger flavoured stuff either
12. Offal

12 Things I hate

2006-12-19T18:44:00.000Z

1. Cruelty to animals
2. Smoking around children
3. Arrogance
4. Chelsea tractors
5. R&B, Rap and 'boy bands' and other simpering music
6. Wasps - they serve no purpose exterminate the lot of them
7. Girls that need a boy to feel good about themselves and do the girlie thing like screaming at spiders (I mean all they've really done is deafen the poor thing)
8. Call centres and the British ability to provide bad customer service wherever you go
9. Pennies and 2p's - they make me feel dirty
10. Intolerance of others lifestyles/views
11. Snobbery
12. Cats jumping on/across your head at ungodly hour's of the morning

Feck me!

2006-12-19T18:37:00.000Z

Notice the use of feck there, just so certain groups don't get all het up and report me to buggering blogger! Anyhoo the feck me was as a result of my rememberance of some long forgotten blog posts that I'd always meant to post in December, it being the 12th month and all.

So here comes my not so seasonal lists of 12....

12 Things I Like
1. Stomping good tunes with strong lyrics
2. Men with any of the following: long hair, long legs, slightly effeminate looking, looks good in stockings, bit of stubble, bit rough (really a guy who looks like a tortured art student)
3. Abstract art and contemporary architecture
4. Halloween and goth related decor, anything where I can indulge my dark side
5. Cats but not cat related items (i.e I'm not barmy)
6. The British self deprecating sense of humour
7. Tea (milk no sugar please)
8. White Grenache by Mr's Gallo (Guys if you want to sponsor this blog feel free to send me a crate or 10)
9. Chick Lit
10. Bloggers... was going to say most but actually I've never met another blogger who I haven't liked, but then I only read blogs that I do like..if you get my drift
11. Generosity of the English, a certain 'group' of anonymous people will know what I mean - and yes I will sort out something and email you all when I can work out how to do it!
12. Boys - yes I know that's the same as no.2 but I mean in a work sense as boys are so much more straightforward than lassies and believe me its not just the 18 year olds who have issues!

I'm sure there's loads more but this was all assembled in 2 mins flat.

The 'Do'

2006-12-10T02:00:00.000Z

Scores on the doors =
Alcohol units - countless
Minutes spent on dancefloor - approx 180
Blast from the past - 1
Snoggage - 0
Slow dance - 1
Number of toes stood on by other dancers - 2
Minutes spent wearing a trilby - approx 160
Number of fights - almost 1
Number of exes present - 0
Alcoholic drinks brought by me - 1 (at £3.35 for an Archers and lemonade that's all I could afford)
Number of 'borrowed' items - 3

Han experriment hic

2006-12-08T16:47:00.000Z

Ok so I am post work lunch do and ahve sent housemate out for a couple of bottles of vino, and see as how its thst efstive time of year and i love all my little blogarino's so much, I thought I'd revert to the drunken ramblings that used to frequent this blog. So inted to periodically post throughout the night as my drunken stupor continues, typos and all. (If its good enought for Romo then its more than good enought for me).
So MSN girlies beware - I may well repeat snippets of conversation and I apologise in advance for the undoubetdly lewd conversation that will ensue.
I promise to be a good girl and not mention elather trousers...........well I'll try ;)

bring on the games.....

It's great not checking for typos init! Oh and word verification can piss right off...bloody torture emthod designed to encourage sobriety ..arrghhhh

Update 1 - Oh we went here and had soem sort of horsey douvry things including fishy pate and eggs (glad i haven't got a date tonight) then some strange sausage soup, then some v nice beefy stuff and then a pink and white pudding. Spent the afternoon surrounded by old codgers but tried to raise the elvel of conversation with my rabbit conversation - not sur eof I suceeded...hmmmm

2100 update - beginnign to sober up, how can that be..i've imbided 2 glasses fo white a archers and lemonade and a whole bottle of rosé????
2200 - 2nd bottle open and no mention of leather trousers - i must be goetting boring!

sat 0700 update - well that was riveting for everyone wasn't it! Don't think we'll be rushing to do that again, right off the the shops for sparkly tights. Love all x

Tis the season

2006-12-05T16:38:00.000Z

Actually that's a shit title isn't it but I was never any good with titles and I think I've used err and ho hum way too many times, so that's about as riveting as its gonna get. So then, I am aware that the silvery sheen has come off this blog but thought I better post something just in case there's some lonely soul out there still reading this drivel. Not that I care about that you understand but I'd hate for you to find out where I live and end up on my doorstep with a torch, pitchfork or even worse, threatening to sing Christmas carols.

Aoo...ermm...yeh well like - oh I don't know bollocks to it all, is what I say, so some seemingly random thoughts (actually all my thoughts are random and don't do the connect the dots thing, well they do in my head but no one else can see the logic).
*Bargain's been and got himself girlified, yep that's right the Lordster has been and got himself loved up and I for one am chuffed to bits for him. However this leads me to the conclusion that all the single bloggers are increasingly getting paired off. You mark my words, Spinny will be next and that'll leave just me, all by my ownsome, no one to talk to cause all my chums are off having flipping SEX! BASTARDS.

*Blog Roll - Despite the fact that I'm crap at commenting on blogs, I want to reassure everyone that if you're over there (yes that little sidebar thing, that no one ever looks at) then you're on my blogroll and everytime you write something I do come and have a look at it. I just can't think of anything witty or interesting to say or frankly some of you intimidate me with your intellect and knowledge (mainly about music and cinema and the arts and 'girly' stuff like that).

*Blog meet - ok So the lovely Dazed and confuzzled Heather (yes she is still alive and hasn't been squished in an awful motoring accident/incident/accident) will be in London on 14th Jan, so does anyone fancy meeting in an establishment of the beverage serving kind? We're about for most the weekend but the Sunday works well for us. How's about it blogarino's?

*Quiz - Anyone up for doing a Christmas Quiz..we all had a great time at Molly's & Bills, perhaps we could do another one. I could probably rustle up a festive film thingy but am stuck for anything else. Ideas? Dates? Talking to myself?

*Doing the social thing - so this weekend will be manic..I have the office 'do' on Friday lunchtime which won't finish til at least 4 and consists of ALL female supervisors getting pissed up and learing at the waiting staff (well at least I hope its like that and not all 'refined'), Saturday is the work (work being different to office) evening do, all evening dress (mine = green!) and that stuff, strangely enough will be going as singleton but ex is going too and is giving me a lift - will be v strange for all involved, cept us, cause we IS civilised, finally Sunday sees post hangover recovery with the Blazingsmoke lot, cept I think its nearer Reading and even though she's Scottish we've allowed the lovely Heather to join us!
Well you know charity begins at home and all that ;)

*Life - Still no boyf (past caring), work v busy (still don't care), swimming every day (v proud), faffing about with panitshop pro (v amusing) doing website/helping with music for some 'do' (v fun), results in me - v busy, tired and content.
Oh and smart phone is not living up to its name by having a complete mare and not uploading anything, so can't show you my pretty pictures from 0745 the other morning - bummer.

*Christmas - feck off, can't even be arsed to put up a tree and going to spend my time drinking, eating, watching crap TV and surfing the internet for Christmas porn (is there such a thing?). Bliss!

Oops sorry that all went on a bit long - don't do long posts, plus I've got a bruise on my kunckle, how'd that happen?

***Update - realised that of course I don't have a bruise on my kunckle, as that just sounds filthy but actually think it's a good word, so am going to leave it be, oh and just for Kim, really boringly I was sat writing poetry, getting cold and loving it!***

Falling back on a bloggers favourite

2006-11-22T09:52:00.000Z

Oh yes I'm in that most esteemed bloggers 'I've run out of things to say' club, so I fall back on a blogger's favourite. Why post something witty or thought provoking (not that I ever did) when you can put a link up to something else? Anyway made me chuckle *hee hee he he he!*

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/space+is+fun/

#....la la la lah la la la lahhhhhhh....#

Feeling sorry for myself

2006-11-14T17:31:00.000Z

Ok so I know I promised I wasn't going to do another one of these, 'woah is me' posts but honestly what a shitty few weeks I'm having...

No boyf, sign of boyf or even snoggage since February
Work is crappity crap and I'm getting increasingly annoyed with the fact that people bring me their problems and want me to wave a magic wand for them so they all disappear. I mean honestly I should write a book about the inane drivel and ridiculous comments I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Other 'special interests' are beginning to hack me off, because I work strongly on validation and not getting responses (good or bad) is seriously pissing me off.
oh and no one wants to come out and play with me next week and from comments to the previous post I am obviously a sex mad munter!

Finally to top it all my tarot cards say I'm in for sweeping changes and fruition of past hard work...WHEN!!!! I mean seriously oh smart arsed tarot - When the fucking when??? Its been saying that for 3 months and diddly fucking squat - nothing has changed...apart from being more frustrated and more stressed.

Ha fuckin Ha!

Men don't want shagging no more (hello googlers!)

2006-11-09T17:49:00.000Z

Honestly its sooo true....

After a very riveting debate at work the other day, the gals (and guy) in the office have in fact decreed that blokes don't want shagging any more.
Or to put it another way, they do want shagging but after about 6 months they're just not interested in it any more.
They just go off the idea hence the need for multiple partners (at this point I interjected with my fantastic rota system with built in MOT's at the 6 month point, but everyone went a bit quiet)and we women are left somewhat wanting. You see being the minxy devils that we are, our libido doesn't stop after 6 months use but can happily carry on for years like the proverbial Duracell Bunny (insert own bunny related witticism here).

So my little blogarino's the question is - Is it true, are hot blooded males really not so hot blooded, are men going to have to start resorting to the old 'I've got a headache' ruse just so they can have a peaceful night, cause I damned as well don't know any ladyee who's ever uttered that excuse! - Discuss

p.s. Could someone point me in the direction of the big aircraft hanger which is housing all the pre 6 month point men, who are obviously gagging for it!

Never one to be original

2006-11-04T08:54:00.000Z

Ok I know we've all seen this a hundred times before and this has being doing the rounds on the internet for a billion years, but for those who haven't seen it, for those (like me) who just love it, or those who want to see the latest version........TORN....Enjoy

Oh what a beautiful morninnnngggggggg, oh what a beautiful daaaayyyyy

2006-10-29T08:42:00.000Z

Today is just one of those days, which makes you glad to be alive. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the cats (for once) are behaving themselves (although probably not for long if the birds continue to make themselves fairly obvious prey)...all I need now is a nice bloke to bring me a cup of tea and a paper...

So to prove a point, more action shots take this morning at approx 8am, in comparison to the ones back in the summer, I think you'll agree - not much difference. Long may this warm spell continue....

Lack of a choherent post

2006-10-28T20:40:00.000+01:00

Apologies for lack of coherent posting (typo/spelling) blame the rose is all I can say, those on msn on a Friday will know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, I'm on leave w/c 2oth Nov and have a whole week off which is currently filled with diddly squat so if any of you c*nts fancy meeting up for a coffee or something then let me know. kiss kiss night night

- time to post = 1 minute, time for editing to make some semblance of sense = 3 minutes
- time to use spellcheck and re edit last paragraph = 1 minute

House to myself

2006-10-26T18:11:00.000+01:00

Sorry about the unoriginal title of this post but my brain has gone all mushy from chlorine. Yes folks I have been of the swimming partaking so I am dewy eyed (i.e. bloodshot) and fresh faced (read, skin like a camel's hump*). However I do indeed have the house all to myself from err NOW until sometime Sunday (woo hoo) but what shall I do with all this space and time? I have a friend coming over tomorrow night but otherwise I'm at a loss. So suggestions on the back of a fag packet, or failing that in the comment box - please!!

And if anyone says go out and find a boyfriend I reserve the right to wallop you with a herring or other fish type thingy!

*originally typed skim like a camel's jump...?????

Cause I've been so lax recently

2006-10-23T22:04:00.000+01:00

We'll do the great big - fall back on a meme thing to keep you all occupied...
Have you had sex in the past 24 hours? Chance would be a fine thing
Are you gay? Hmmm don’t think so, although I’ve never given it a go so who can say?
Do you have hairy legs? Generally no although at times I do resemble a womble
Do you smoke anything? Nope although I used to like the sweet cigarettes you used to get as a kid
Do you like monkeys? Depends on the type, what are those wee ones that looked permanently shocked? They’re kinda cute
How many fillings do you have? 2 I think and probably need more but haven’t been to a dentist for 16 years and can still open beer bottles with me gnashers
Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake? Ooh ocean please, I always think of skinny dipping when you swim in lakes and then I think of lake placid!
Have you ever licked one of those square batteries? Err nope, actually don’t think I own anything that takes square batteries
Have you ever read the Bible? Can’t say I have, although as fiction goes…;)
Did you ever go to Sunday School? Nope too busy catching caterpillars or boys!
Do you wear a lot of black? Err I guess but also wear pink, blue and white a lot too
Did you ever bring a weapon to school? Good god no I would’ve got the slipper
Have you ever hugged a tree? In all probability yes and my mate when out with a bloke called Elm – does that count?
Do you know what a sphincter actually is? Ah huh
Describe your hair? Dark, thick, sheds like theres no tommorrow
Are you a wildbeast? Um well I don’t think I’m a beastie as such and probably not that wild anymore..so err no
Do you like to have fun? Depends on your definition of ‘fun’
Do you like drama? Oh indeedy
Have you ever taken a bong hit? Erm only passively!
Do you like mayonnaise? Indeed I do
Are you afraid to die? Shiit yes.
Do you like playing in leaves? Who doesn’t? Speshly with wellies on
Have you ever peed your pants as an adult? Do you know I think I probably have, through either alcohol or laughter, or both
Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult? Don’t recall having done so, I was brought up proper you know
Are you an adult? I severely doubt it
Ever won a spelling bee? No but would like to win a grammar caterpillar
Do you ever eat because you’re depressed? Not any more but do when I’m bored, which is often
Are you a television addict? I’m really not anymore, don’t watch soaps or reality TV so that doesn’t really leave a lot does it
Do you think OJ was guilty? Are leather trousers sexy? Come on at least ask serious questions
Do you enjoy spending time with your mother? Yeh she’s funky and loves me for who I am (someone has to I guess)
Have you ever had sex in a hot tub? No but I wouldn’t half like to give it a go
On a swing? Don’t think so but do have a hazy memory of a playground back in my youff
Do you like Elvis? Well not in the dead corpse kinda well, but yeh some of his music is pretty cool
Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel? Can’t say I’ve ever watched it, but great song!
Ever been hit on at a zoo? Can’t say I have and these questions are taking on a very odd sex and animals theme (that’ll get the googlers)
Have you ever had sex with a total stranger? No, swapped gum with one once but not sex
Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys? I actually think turkeys are pretty terrifying
Does your mom think someone is hot? Um she always used to quite like Axl Rose and now Jack Sparrow. See told you my mum is cool (oh and my dad, which is a bit sad)
Are you a sugar freak? Not so much so
Ever been arrested? No but have sat in a police holding cell (how coool is that?)
Ever commit a crime and get away with it? Yup
Do you like orange juice? Yup but not with bits in
What sign are you? Ooh I hate this question cause I’m one of those stupid cusp people. Yes I’m cancer/Leo cross…can you imagine a crab and a lion…one of the many reasons I am like I am
Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly? I wouldn’t of thought so as I don’t spend that much time with the elderly
Where do you wish you were right now? In my penthouse in London, having won the lottery and surrounding myself with shoes and agent provacteur undies
Did you enjoy this? Well apart from the question about OJ it was all quite riveting.

Riddle me this

2006-10-18T20:00:00.000+01:00

Ok brownie points to the peep who can decipher, some or all of the truthful facts pertaining to my weekend from the following:

pants I my up hoovered of pair a
garden a leg put chair through my
ebay someone into had account hack my

Oh and no one's got the rain question right - yet!

4 friends, 3 cokes, 2 dvds and a dodgy loo seat

2006-10-09T18:38:00.000+01:00

OK so I've returned from the mini meet up in Blazing Smoke and a fab time was had by all. Unfortunately Jazzer was unable to join us so it was just me, Skeddahdoodah, Little Star and Chatterbox. Can't say we put the world to right or chatted about intellectual rights of mongooses (mongeese?) but we did spend all night chatting about 2 subjects very close to our hearts.
Observations include:

how you can spot someone in a car park and know its them you're going to meet
how you can park 2 car park spaces away from another new friend, without knowing
how loo seats are obviously getting bigger, cause I fell down one!
how it's not a good idea to chuck your coke bottle at someone as they can get a little upset
and how 2 complete strangers can meet up and a) not be able to pronounce a certain blogger's name and b) admit that neither has ever tried tapas!

Girls - I had a cracking time, thank you so much for inviting me and for the dvd's (all watched already and greatly appreciated - all I can say is - pants shot!).

Really must get the teleconferencing/origami thing sorted for next time though.

~~Oh yeh and bag of minstrels to the person who can correctly guess what I spent 5 mins doing at approx 9pm last night - in the rain!~~

Dum de dum

2006-10-07T07:19:00.000+01:00

So a while back I asked for your ideas on what literary gems I could spend my time reading, however as I wasn't showered with suggestions I ending up resorting to my normal selection, so this is what I got:

Turning Thirty - Mike Gayle - fantastic, loved it, laughed out loud at parts, rang so true in so many ways
In search of an impotent man - Gaby Hauptman - s'alright, interesting premise but disappointingly obvious ending, plus translation from German makes it a little 'clunky' at times
Solomon Grundy - Dan Gooch - brilliant, very unusual idea but with a great view of life and sharp to boot
Wasting Time - Sarah Harris - disappointing, no where near as funny as I thought it would be, too narrative for my liking and a rushed and obvious ending again

Obviously nothing earth shattering intellectual there. So moving on from thhose, I've now got the following:

Spencers List - Lissa Evans
Brand new friend - Mike Gayle
and 3 books on poetry

Any further suggestions?